How can one thing be so loathsome and so hilarious at the same time? Is it some sort of magic? Is it our differing perceptions? Heck, if we know, but somehow, stand-up comedy jokes can either make you writhe with laughter or need an ambulance after scoffing too hard.
There’s no denying that good stand-up comedy jokes are an art form. It requires the comedian to be fully present, know how to interact with audiences, and have a stellar sense of humor. With all this needed, a lot can go wrong on many levels.
If you’d like to steer clear of dumb jokes and getting humiliated after climbing up on that stage, these hand-picked stand-up jokes might be the inspiration you need. Even if you have a niche sense of humor, you’ll find at least one fantastic joke from this list that’ll resonate with you. With over 100 jokes, the odds are ever in your favor here!
We can’t wait to hear which stand-up comedy lines you plan on trying out in front of an audience and which cheesy joke you think might just land. Let us know in the comments, and share this article with your friends to brighten their day.
#61 When the job gets locked out
“My father was a night watchman, but he was a victim of technology. He was replaced by a lock.” - Colin Quinn
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#62 True courage is mom’s credit card
"My friend said the other day, “Doing comedy is so brave! What's your secret to keep doing it year after year despite all the failure?” I'm like, “My secret is not being afraid. Not being afraid to borrow money from my mom even though I'm in my 30s.”
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#63 That Silver Awkwardness Though
“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld
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#64 God’s Prank on Our Cheeks
“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” — Michael McIntyre
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#65 Hold Up, Did I Just Ghostwrite This?
“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.” - Steven Wright
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#66 Honestly, Same Energy
"I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops." - Mike Birbiglia
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#67 When Cultures Trade Life Hacks
"My husband is white and I'm black. I love being in an interracial relationship because I teach him about soul food and why Black Lives Matter; and he teaches me about filing taxes and showing up to places on time."
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#68 Marriage: Expert Level Manipulation
“My wife is very manipulating. My friends say, ‘Then why’d you marry her?’ ‘Because she is very manipulative!’” — Eric Navarro
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#69 Definitely Not the Obstacle Course You Want
“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!” - Milton Jones
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#70 Surviving Maternity, LA Style
“I joined a mom’s group in Los Angeles. Yeah, I don’t find any of these mom's particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave, it’s like The Walking Dead – you just gotta hook up with a crew to survive.” — Ali Wong
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#71 Classic Dad Joke Energy
“A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’
The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more.’” - Tommy Cooper
The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more.’” - Tommy Cooper
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#72 Marriage: Where Trash Duty Never Ends
“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it.” — Rodney Dangerfield
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#73 When “Space” Actually Means Goodbye
“My girlfriend needs 'space.' And this is what space means, guys. It means, ‘I need you to help me break up with you.’’’ - Yannis Pappas
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#74 Peak first-day-in-America energy
"When I was 14, my family visited my uncle who lived in Queens. This was early Thursday morning, and my uncle was like, "I have something to show you." I had never heard of Thanksgiving. And my first day in America, he showed me the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I was like, "This is every day in America! As advertised!" "They have so much money, they have a party for Garfield everyday! Mariah Carey is here!" No other day has lived up to that first day."
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#75 Plot twist: Not who you expected
“My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out: ‘One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.’ I thought, I’ve got the better deal here: ‘One, your sister…’”- Michael McIntyre’s
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#76 Aquariums Don’t Have Horoscopes, Right?
“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’” — Tim Vine
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#77 Plotting his great escape already
“My son’s got two words: car and map, that’s all he can say. ‘Car, car, map, car!’ I’m fairly worried he’s trying to escape. So if the next word is passport, we’re in serious trouble.” - Michael McIntyre’s
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#78 Financial Advice According to Ali Wong
“DIY stands for “you should’ve married someone with more money.” — Ali Wong
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#79 Girls: Born Fluent, Boys Still Buffering
“You learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: ‘Are you my mother? Lovely to put a face to a name.'” - Michael McIntyre’s
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#80 Commitment Issues: Stay or Come?
“I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him. ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’ He went insane.” — Carrot Top
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What Are the Different Types of Stand-up Comedy Styles or Genres?
Funny stand-up jokes take a variety of forms. You might have encountered different types of comedy at shows, and you should choose one that suits you best. Here are some of the most common types:
Observational stand-up comedy is the most frequently used style by performers. It involves commenting on things that everyone does but nobody talks about. These simple observations draw from everyday life, making this comedic style hilarious and relatable.
Wordplay comedy is about using puns, rhymes, and double entendres. This style usually involves a lot of one-liners. Comedians who can master this skill will be able to shock audiences with creative wordplay. You can start learning from this dino stand-up comedian who makes puns that are so bad they’re good.
Anecdotal stand-up comedy is another popular style that is becoming common. These comedians usually focus a lot on storytelling. Performers don’t use short stand-up comedy quotes but rather long stories with good hooks.
The list is long, and there are many other styles, like dirty or clean stand-up comedy jokes, deadpan humor, insult comedy, dark jokes, and more. It’s up to you to find one that works for you.
