How can one thing be so loathsome and so hilarious at the same time? Is it some sort of magic? Is it our differing perceptions? Heck, if we know, but somehow, stand-up comedy jokes can either make you writhe with laughter or need an ambulance after scoffing too hard.
There’s no denying that good stand-up comedy jokes are an art form. It requires the comedian to be fully present, know how to interact with audiences, and have a stellar sense of humor. With all this needed, a lot can go wrong on many levels.
If you’d like to steer clear of dumb jokes and getting humiliated after climbing up on that stage, these hand-picked stand-up jokes might be the inspiration you need. Even if you have a niche sense of humor, you’ll find at least one fantastic joke from this list that’ll resonate with you. With over 100 jokes, the odds are ever in your favor here!
We can’t wait to hear which stand-up comedy lines you plan on trying out in front of an audience and which cheesy joke you think might just land. Let us know in the comments, and share this article with your friends to brighten their day.
#41 Self-Sabotage: The Artist’s True Nemesis
"Artists, don't let anyone crush your dreams. If you're a real artist, chances are you're self destructive enough to crush them yourself." - Erikka Innes
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#42 Plot twist: Not heavenly approved
"A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?” “No, this is the rink manager!” - Emmy Award
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#43 Plot twist: Life’s true beginning is spicy
"Abortion is such a divisive issue. Conservatives argue that life begins at conception, while hipsters insist you haven't lived until you try Sriracha on a hot dog." - NatBaimel
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#44 First name, last effort
“Aaron is the worst name. It’s the first name in The Baby Name Book. How lazy can your parents be?” — Michael McIntyre
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#45 Marriage Is the Ultimate Tattoo Debate
"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later." - Margaret Cho
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#46 Sweaters get more second chances than relationships
"I see people getting married to people they've known for like a year and a half. A year and half? Is that really enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them? I mean, I've had sweaters for a year and a half... And I was like, "What was I doing with this sweater!"
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#47 Plotting to ambush my dreams instead
“I’m sick of following my dreams - I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.” - Natasha Leggero
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#48 Plot Twist: Flexibility Means Skipping Tuesdays
“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
He said: ‘How flexible are you?’
I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’” — Tommy Cooper
He said: ‘How flexible are you?’
I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’” — Tommy Cooper
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#49 Plot twist nobody saw coming
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard
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#50 That’s one way to light the party up
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
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How to Make Self-Deprecating Stand-up Comedy Jokes?
Self-deprecating humor is the process of putting yourself down, undervaluing yourself, or being excessively modest as a joke. The best way to write self-deprecating jokes is to be honest about horrible situations. People will find a wealth of potential laughs in situations they experience or through thoughts they secretly have about themselves.
Some comedians tend to exaggerate or make up stories for comedic purposes. But it is best to draw inspiration from your own lived experiences. The only issue with these stand-up comedy jokes is that people might not understand that you’re trying to be funny. They might express sympathy or try to give you advice. You have to expect all of this since it comes with the territory.
#51 Basically every indie karaoke dream
“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones
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#52 Priorities: Mutant Edition
“It took Marvel all of 20 seconds to create Wolverine and Deadpool. They’re Canadian right? Give them powers based on healthcare.” — Danish Anwar
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#53 Sleep? Never Heard of It
"I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long."
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#54 Chef’s “Maybe Don’t” Picks
"I saw an item on the menu that said "Chef's recommendation." What is all the other stuff then? Is the chef just like "I could make it..." "I would NOT recommend it." - Richard Sarvate
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#55 Well, at least the punchline landed
"I just got fired as a mailman. I'm also a part time stand up. I'm funny but have to work on my delivery."
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#56 Scissors for scissors? Seriously?
“I bought a new pair of scissors. But they were in this extremely tight, plastic cover thing. And I realised, the only way to get my new scissors out of the packaging was to get scissors and cut the scissors out with scissors. The thing I needed was staring at me.” — Michael McIntyre
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#57 Low-Key Living the Dream
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy
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#58 When You Know It’s Already Too Late
“Who’s phoning radio stations to warn of traffic jams? Who in their right mind gets stuck and thinks, ‘Get me the phone, I must warn the others. It’s too late for me…'” - Michael McIntyre’s
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#59 Proof that shade fuels rocket fuel
"Someone posted a win online recently. She said a boy in high school chemistry told her she'd never work at NASA and laughed at her. That was the day she decided to become an engineer, and, surprise surprise: she's now a scientist at NASA. That's proof that bullying works." - Sasha Rosser
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#60 When “Visitor” Takes On New Meaning
“A homeless woman has broken into my parents home 5 times this month. It’s heartbreaking. She visits more than I do.”
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