Stand-up Comedy Jokes For Comedians By Comedians That Don’t Disappoint

"My Uber driver didn't say a word to me during our 45 minute ride. It's truly upsetting they'd employ someone like this without giving me the option of rating him 6 stars." - NatBaimel

"When I was a kid my parents put me into boxing- which is a great sport to put your kid into. If you think that hitting your kid is wrong, but you still feel like someone should be hitting your kid."

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.” - Tommy Cooper

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs.’” — Mitch Hedberg

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

"When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle." - Riki Lindhome

"You want to know the best part about being a stand up comic with a stutter? For my eight minute slot, I only have to write 45 seconds worth of material."

“Horror movies with jump scares are like if a comedian went into the audience and tickled everyone. ‘Technically you laughed! I’m funny!’” — Jeremy Kaplowitz

"In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do. The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself’.” The man shrugged and said, “Not much to say; my wife told me to stand here.” - Oscar Nuñez

"My friends take fields trips to breweries. They have apps that track the name of the beers they have tried. At this point craft beer is just pokemon for dudes with beards." - Lawrence Rosales

"My neighbor's house doesn't have any numbers on its door or mailbox. And I just feel like that's something that needs to be addressed."

“It really doesn’t make you feel safe when you’re walking home at night and some guy’s like, ‘Hey gorgeous, get home safe.’ Felt a little safer before you just said that.”

"I enjoy doing stand-up, especially now because life is so busy and it's so hectic, and with stand-up, I can just go out and relax, and enjoy the silence." - Steve Martin

"What would you do if you cracked an egg for breakfast and a mouse came out and then time froze and God came down and said to forget what you saw or else?" "I'd tell everyone, but I'd make it seem like a joke." - James Etchison

"Just because a woman is nice to you, doesn't mean that she likes you. I found that out the hard way by reading my mother's diary!" - RealDerekMeyers

“I’m a realist. l ask kids what they want to be if they grow up.” — Nat Baimel

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." - Elayne Boosler

“My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.” — Adam Sandler

"The day my buddy's daughter was born he said, "I already love
her so much, and I know that I would die for her." I said, "Dude.... you just met her... you always do this""- Mike Speirs

“When we were kids, my friend and I used to shoplift. Our rule was to only steal from large corporaions. Do you get it? Even as a middle schoolers we had a stronger moral compass than large corporations.” — Ben Rosenfeld