911 Operators Share Their Stupidest Calls, And It's Too Embarrassing To Read

Last week, we took a call of 8 ufo's above a house. They were stars.

A stolen TV remote.
Fyi, it wasn't stolen just fell between the couch cushions

Woman calling to ask where she can get a paternity test done. For herself. I was confused and asked her, to clarify, if she was needing to determine who the father of a child was, she'd have to maybe contact a clinic. No. She wanted to know how can she find out if she was the mother of someone who claimed she gave birth to them. No mental illness, no hysterical pregnancy, she was just dumb.

A caller dialled 999 at 04:00 on a Saturday morning and asked: "Where is the best place to get a bacon sandwich right now?"

Caller: "I want to file charges against my granddaughters dog."
Operator: "Why sir, what did the dog do?"
Caller: "Well, I think the dog has been molesting her."
Operator: "Ok just tell me what happened."
Caller: "Well I opened the bathroom door last time I was at my son's house. His daughter is 6 years old and was on the floor, the dog was...licking her in her privates."
Operator(trying not to laugh): "Sir, are you sure that the dog is the suspect or the victim? It is just a dumb animal, it sounds to me like your grand daughter was taking advantage of it. Either way, I don't think it's something the police can handle, I can give you the number for animal control if you want?"
Caller: "You know what, you have a point..."
Operator: "Yes, a 6 year old is definitely more mentally aware than a dog. You should talk to her parents about it, not involve the police."
Caller: "Oh ok, thanks buddy! Bye!"

Had a lady trying to call an ambulance because she opened a package from Amazon at home and she was afraid that that her kid was about to have a major allergic reaction... From the packing Peanuts.... because the kid was allergic to peanuts, and when her kid mentioned what they were called, she freaked out.

"My washing machine is telling me to file for bankruptcy." This was a confused elderly lady so it was actually a little sad, but I'm including it because it left me completely speechless at the time. I think my response was, "I... you... what?"

A woman in my town once called 911 because her washing machine was making strange noises and she thought it was possessed by the devil.

My neighbour's sprinkler is on and it's getting MY lawn wet..... I wish I was kidding

"University 911, where's your emergency?"
"**** Hall parking lot. My car's frozen over and I broke my scraper! Send Police to help!"
"Sir, this is an emergency line. Are you hurt or in any danger?"
"No, but if I don't get my car out, the store's going to run out of iPhones! I need to get into line now!"

I had a man call and complain because his neighbor had a Mexican flag flying above the American flag in his yard. He wanted us to arrest him and take his flags down. I told him we wouldn't do that, and he asked to speak to the watch commander. He kept calling and reciting the flag code to me. He eventually wanted to complain to internal affairs. I never got the official complaint so I'm sure they didn't make him happy either.

The most favorite call I've ever had was this woman calling because the lady in front of her at the church's chicken drive thru was taking too long to place her order.
She called 911. Her emergency was that she was trying to get chicken.

A couple weeks ago a woman called and said she put her daughter in a zero gravity machine to keep her safe and then accidentally shrunk her. She is now between the carpet and the carpet padding and you can see her moving around like a worm underground.

"911 what is your emergency?"
"I have an intruder in my house."
"Okay, what is your address?"
"It's a bird."

I've had someone call 911 because they were lonely. About 1,000 times.

Woman calling to complain that her McDonald's triple thick milkshake isn't thick.

Had a woman call because her "baby" wasn't breathing, so we gave her instructions to do CPR. Medics got there and found her doing CPR on her dog.

"The neighbor is giving my horse drugs." - 0500 or earlier, every. Single. Day. Usually followed up about an hour later by: "It's crack!"

Female caller asking on 911 where she could find crack in her neighborhood. According to her there was a crack shortage in town and she was coming up empty everywhere. Calltaker asked for her location, she gave it with no hesitation (she was standing about a block away from our dispatch center) and PD promptly picked her up for public intox.

Me: 911 What's your emergency
Him: "My Grandma's really starting to piss me off"