911 Operators Share Their Stupidest Calls, And It's Too Embarrassing To Read

Mine: an aggressive goose at a city park that was chasing people and biting them on the butt. So literally a goose trying to goose people.

Had a drunk person call to report he was being harassed. Truth was..... He was being arrested by our officers for throwing pizza at people. All I heard in the background was one of my officers saying to him "that better not be our dispatcher on the phone" followed by some muffled talking and my officer taking the phone and saying "he will be taking a ride with us now" and hung up.

A lady called 911 and asked if I could tell the fire department to pick up a fire and move it a mile or two north so the smoke wouldn't blow into their housing community.

Caller: I need an am-ba-lance.
Me: What are you needing the ambulance for tonight?
Caller: I need the am-ba-lance to come out and give me a pregnancy test.
Me: Well, they don't carry that kind of equipment on board. If you are wanting to have them come get you and take you to the hospital to test you they could.
Caller: I'm not going to the hospital. I want the am-ba-lance to come give me the test.
Me: Well, we don't carry those tests on our ambulances, they could only take you to the hospi....
Caller: YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO ME! I AM NOT GOING TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL. THE AM-BA-LANCE NEEDS TO COME OUT AND GIVE ME THE TEST!
Me: I don't think you are hearing me, we don't have that equipment on board. Why don't you try going to popular drugstore and just pick up the test there?
Caller: They sell those there? How much are they?

I just cut off my penis, and I'm going to flush it down the toilet before you get here! (He did.)

The funniest non crazy stories was a really rich and affluent guy who lived in a huge house called about a disheveled looking suv at the bottom of his huge driveway and it wasn't the gardener's or housekeeping. The cop had to run the tags and it turns out it belonged to his daughter and he had bought it for her.

Because an Arab man had sent her a friend request on Facebook and she wondered if we had a terrorism task force that should know about it.

I don't know if its the dumbest call but one time we had a hostage situation. There was a helicopter in the area circling for several hours. We get nosey neighbor calls wanting to know whats going on, can't give out any info just tell them to stay inside. So I answer another call, asking about the helicopter. Roll my eyes and give the same speech, the girl asked "but is the helicopter ok? Why does it keep going in circles like that?" She thought they were going to crash land.

"What's your emergency?"
"MY CAT JUST SCRATCHED ME!!"
"Is it a serious wound? are you bleeding?"
"No, but it really hurt!"

To say they called the regular line and that girl they talked to wasn't very helpful (dude it's still me).

My dad worked as a dispatcher in the Netherlands, got a call from a man who was clearly very distressed, crying, asking for help.
My dad, being professional, stayed calm and asked what the cause for the distress was:
"Ajax have lost again..."
For those not familiar with football/soccer - Ajax is a Dutch football team.

A domestic abuse call, guy playing GTA 5 was severely pissed his wife wouldn't stop chasing him down and killing him IN GAME. His wife was bigger than him or i'm sure it would have been the real deal.

Hello? How do you baste a turkey?
This is 911, ma'am, what is the nature of your emergency?
I need to know how to baste a turkey!
Basically you spoon the drippings back onto the top to help keep it moist. Why did you call 911 to ask that?
Well, you knew, didn't you?

We had an old woman call in and say there was two guys dress in blue trying to break in her house and rape her. So we send about 6 cops over to her house. It turns out it was the gas company reading her gas meter.

I worked on 9/11. I had people call 911 for weeks after because there were "3 brown guys in a car and I thought you should know about it."

We had an Amber Alert go out; guy stabbed the mother of his children and took the kids. Man calls to complain that the Alert is interrupting his TV and that the father should be left alone because he's doing a good thing to be with his kids.

A woman who had seen a clown in London selling balloons for £5 each, which was much more than other clowns were charging

Not me but a family member who was a dispatcher for 20+ years: Someone called in because a kid (5-6 or so) had somehow gotten locked inside a newspaper box- you know, the kind with a window on the front that lets you see the front page. One of the responders spent a bit of time wondering aloud how they were going to break the "window" on the box without harming the kid.
After a minute or two of this, a different responder put forth the suggestion that perhaps they should try inserting a couple of quarters first. It worked. Box opened, kid got out and was fine, and no paper boxes were harmed.

I was a 911 operator for a year, been in EMS 10 years. Lady called because her cat killer her roommates bird and there was blood and feathers everywhere. She wanted someone to come out and clean it up. She wouldn't stop calling and eventually got arrested for 911 abuse.

Man called and asked us if we could dispatch police to his home for assistance. He explains relationship problems so we think domestic.
Officers roll over and respond
Come across approx 15 mins later.
Headquarters, 423
Go ahead
Male requested we break up with his girlfriend for him. We explained to him that we would not. 10-08
Fkn idiot.