911 Operators Share Their Stupidest Calls, And It's Too Embarrassing To Read

One time, some guy called 911 because he had multiple women in his bed that he didn't know and who refused to leave.

One woman called saying that every time she went outside the frogs said mmm pussy.

A friend who used to be a police operator once told me she had a hysterical call from a Chinese lady, who was unintelligible but clearly distressed. They sent an officer round, apparently she'd found a hedgehog in her garden and had no f*cking clue what it was - assumed it was an alien or something and freaked out.

Caller: A deer just swam across the river behind my house.
Me: Okay?
Caller: Well I am worried it might be cold.
Me:.......Well there is nothing we can do about a deer being cold. Didn't it run off after swinning the river?
Caller: Yes.
Me: Well ma'am it's a wild animal and I'd guess it's going to be fine.
Caller: ok

"911, what's your emergency?"
"THERE IS A GODDAMN ROCK ON MY LAWN. A ROCK."
"Um... A rock?"
"DID YOU NOT F*CKING HEAR ME? THERE IS A ROCK ON MY LAWN. SOMEONE DID THIS ON PURPOSE. A GODDAMN ROCK IN MY LAWN. I HAD TO DRIVE AROUND IT ON MY LAWNMOWER. A GODDAMN ROCK."
"What's your address?"
"You're f*cking 911 and you don't know my goddamn address? What the f*ck are my taxes paying you for? F*cking useless. Goddamn rock."
"Sir, what is your address?"
"LOOK AT ME ON GOOGLE EARTH YOU CAN SEE ME BECAUSE THERES A GODDAMN ROCK IN MY LAWN!"
At this point, the map finally correlated with his location and he was in the next county. I let them deal with it. I don't know how it turned out.

My mom is a 911 operator, she gets some insanely stupid calls. I remember a few years ago, there was a huge pileup involving several cars and fatalities. Clearly it caused miles of traffic. A woman called 911, insisting that she get escorted out of the traffic by a trooper, because she "had to get home", and it was "ridiculous that she should be stuck like that". Like, people are dead, lady, sorry you're not gonna make it home for Jeopardy.

Got a call from a man that someone vandalized his snowman.

"I want to report an attempt murder. I asked them not to put mushrooms on my pizza, as I'm allergic and they forgot, so it's attempted murder"

6:30 Christmas morning. 9-1-1 goes off. "9-1-1. what's your emergency?"
Breathless, panicky voice "How do I get the cranberry sauce out of the can without it coming out in chunks?"
"Open the other end and slide it out on a plate."
"OH! THANK YOU! You are brilliant!"
I wasn't considered so brilliant once I had to dispatch an officer over there to educate her on proper 9-1-1 usage. Merry Christmas, here's your citation.
source: 4 years as 9-1-1 dispatcher/supervisor in rural Alaska

Entitled rich brat demanding an officer drive her back home because she spent her travel money partying; she felt since her father was a well-known surgeon, and a "higher taxpayer" she should get a break and get a ride. I told her no and hung up on her.

I have been in the 911 biz for over 22 years. If a caller starts the call with "I swear I'm not crazy" then you need to buckle up for some insanity. A guy started a call with those words after escaping from his apartment and running to the closest 7-11. He swore that his roommates were turning into giant crabs. The was going to show the officers that they were currently in giant cocoons transforming. As you might expect he was tripping balls.

Also had one a couple of years ago where a dad called to ask for an ambulance because his 17 yr old daughter had a candle stuck up her anus. He tried to explain that she said she had gotten out of the shower and slipped and fell "butthole first" onto the candle... Medics said they found KY jelly with the candle so I think we all know what was going on there.

Guy calling to argue that his crystal meth is legal because he made it with store-brought products with his own hard-earned money.

Caller: I’ve been poisoned.
Me: Ok, we’re sending an ambulance. Tell me what happened.
Caller: I’ve overdosed
Me: What did you take?
Caller: Pot
Me: Marijuana?
Caller: Yes. I’m dying. Please hurry.
Turns out. She was just super high.

Got a call from a guy wanting the police to come to his address because the guy he sold a bag of weed to wouldn't pay him
Gave me his name, address and date of birth and the name, address and phone number of the other guy as well.
Both got a visit from unit soon afterwards.

Caller: My boyfriend took my dog!
Me: And why'd he do that?
Caller: Because he's an asshole!
Me: No, I mean what possessed him to take the animal?
Caller: Cause he's a f*cker!
Me: ...... Why does he have the dog...
Caller: Cause he's a piece of shit!
Me: ......... Alright, I'll send an officer out to talk to you.

Had a guy call asking if it was legal to shoot his neighbor because his hedges were hanging over his property and he considered it tresspassing.

"I'd like to report a suspicious man, the only description I can give is he is turkish / middle eastern"
Me: "What is he doing that's suspicious?"
Them: "Walking down my street."

I had someone a few months ago call 911 to ask if a tablespoon was the big spoon or the little one.

Me: 911, Whats your emergency?
Lady: My smoke detector is going off, and I think there is a HAZMAT GOING ON!
Me: Is there fire or smoke in your home?
Lady: No
Me: Is it chirping? Maybe it's a low battery sound?
Lady: No!
Me: Did you damage the detector at all?
Lady: NO!!! I took it off the ceiling, unplugged the hard wires and took out the battery....It's still alarming!
Me: Ma'am how is that possible? You are telling me that it it's alarming with no power source...? And what were you mentioning about a Hazmat?
Lady: UGH!!!! THE NUCLEAR POWER SOURCE, DO TO MERCURY INJECTION FROM THE POWER PLANT IN THIS DETECTOR, IS MAKING THIS THING GO OFF! IT WONT STOP! HEAR! HAVE A LISTEN!
Me: ....(hears no sound but her heavy breathing)....
Lady: I WANT TO TALK TO THE KING NUCLEAR EMPORER HOMER SIMPSON OF SPRINGFIELD.
Me: ...(Holds mic away from face laughs uncontrollably)...
Lady: HELLO!? SIR!? ARE YOU LISTENING?!?!
Me: Yes ma'am, total emergency, the Fire Department is on the way to help assist you...
Night shift at 911 always got the best calls.