73 Of The Most Brutal Comebacks Ever You'll Be Glad Weren't Said To You

This one happened TO me. Absolutely brutal, but hilarious.
I was on a job site with a co-worker named Scott, redoing some plumbing in an empty house. We had an Ipod going, and a song by White Zombie comes on. I can't remember the name of it, but the intro has audio clips of a woman having an orgasm. I yell to Scott "Hey, I think your wife is here!" He was sweeping up some dust after drilling a hole through some concrete, so, he scoops it up, walks over, and very slowly pours it on the floor in front of me with a smirk on his face and says "Hey Pat, your mom's here."
My mother had been cremated about 3 weeks before this happened.

I had an associate at work telling me how they used to volunteer at a Salvation Army Shelter that would take in the homeless on cold nights for free. Apparently one of the people they took in that night was very upset that he had to share the room they were providing and started making a scene. His roommate told him to "go to the front and ask for a refund".

Guy in my class in junior high had psoriasis and had to use a Vaseline type cream on his scalp, making his hair super greasy. We had a young male substitute teacher and the student kept ribbing him all class... just constantly bugging him, saying things like he could tell he's never taught before, he should consider a new job, etc. etc. Really annoying. Finally the teacher looks at him and says, "Well at least I didn't comb my hair with a pork chop this morning before coming to school." Whole class erupts. Kid didn't say a word after that.

Coworker called lead. Lead was on speakerphone.
Coworker notified us he's coming in for work a little late - they were trying to have a baby and his wife thought that day needed to be a day they tried based on her cycle and all that.
lead says "fine [name], we don't mind you showing up 30 seconds late. Good luck!"
Crew died laughing.

"Why do you have only half of you teeth?"
"Because I used to ask stupid questions too."

Told my dad he wasn't funny and how he never makes jokes and he replies with "Well I made you didn't I?"

"Why does everyone always hate my girlfriend right when they meet her?"
"It saves time."

Heckler: My mum died of cancer!
Comedian: I'm really sorry to hear that, but how is that relevant?
Heckler: It was funnier than your act.

Girl 1: I'm French Canadian, so I can drink a lot.
Girl 2: I'm Irish, so I can drink more than you.
Girl 1: Yeah, but I can stop

Friend's mother was shitting on her for not eating her peas: "There are starving children in Africa!"
Friend slouched down in her chair, narrowed her eyes and said: "Name them."

My fire team partner in the army.
New Sgt: where are you from private brown
Pte brown: red deer Alberta
New Sgt: I heard there is nothing but steers and queers there.
Pte brown: where are you from Sgt?
New Sgt: my mothers pussy
Pte brown: I'll have to visit some time.

My 4-year old was mad at me one night.
He tells me: "OH YEA, WE'LL I'M GONNA SELL YOUR BIRTHDAY ON EBAY!" I matter-of-factly informed him that I don't need anymore birthdays anyway. His retort: "AND NO ONE IS GONNA BUY IT!"
WTF. I've hung out with some real degenerates in my 35 years, but no one has cut me as deep as that.

This girl told a friend of mine that another guy had told her that she looks like Megan Fox, to which my friend responded with "You should have given his guide dog a biscuit".

Kid I was fighting with in middle school - (paraphrase) I bet your parents think you're a failure.
Me - Your parents don't even know you're a failure (he was adopted.)
I felt a little bad afterwards, but the kid was a prick and still is 15 years later.

Me, 11 years old, debating a CC member during an election campaign.
"Which one of us is a city council member?"
"Apparently the wrong one"

Overheard two friends ragging each other yesterday:
Friend one: I'm sexier than you by a mile.
Friend two: Yeah if you're standing a mile away.

My friends mom works in a jail, and they had a black woman who would not stop calling the authorities crackers. The woman is told if she says the word cracker one more time she is getting detained or something like that. "Alright fine, Saltine American."

"I have men throwing themselves at me."
"Yeah, but only after they've run out of bullets and thrown the gun."

My buddy and I were hanging out with a good looking girl. He had a new hat. She reached up, touched it, and asked "is it felt?" He responded "it is now". He is far wittier than me.

"Are you getting smart with me?"
"How would you know?"