73 Of The Most Brutal Comebacks Ever You'll Be Glad Weren't Said To You

Ok I'm eating at a breakfast diner, and there is an older gentleman sitting next to me at the counter.
He stands up to leave, and another old man sitting near him looks at the guy's plate and I guess he noticed that he didn't really eat a whole lot. He says to the old man as he's leaving, "people are starving, and you're leaving food on the plate."
Old man turns to the guy, looks at him for a second, and says, "people are starving, and you're fat. What's the difference?"

My friend asked our teacher "In 20 years, when you see me at our reunion, what will you say to me?"
She replied, "how was prison?"

One time my boss was up on stage for a meeting and was explaining some issues FedEx was facing with shipment times and that we'll need to adjust our shipping ETA's. So this one especially outspoken individual raised his hand and asked "So uhh, like, when are things going to be like they should be?"
To which my boss responded...
"I don't know, when are you going to be like you were in your interview?"
Whole place went nuts.

Was chatting with my parents about something and my Mum and I disagreed on a fact. I looked it up and it turned out she was right, triumphantly she said
"See? I do know a thing or two!"

I said: "Yeah? What's the other thing?"

I think I nearly killed my Dad.

At a party years back a woman was flirting with me. I didn't care for it and neither did her husband, a short, built like a bull Mexican. Hours later, at a bar, he keeps giving me the stink eye, comes up and says 'Are you gay'?
I say 'Why? Are you interested?'
He was so stunned he looked like I'd hit him with 2x4.
Saw him two weeks later. He apologized for being a jerk.

I was on Xbox Live and some older girl was trashtalking these young kids who were admittedly 9, 10, and 12. She said something crude, and another guy pipes in and tells her to get a life. She exclaims, "I have a life, this is my boyfriend's game, I'm just on my lunch break." The youngest sounding of the kids with no hesitation or pause says to her, "I didnt know hookers were even allowed to have breaks."

I have an in-law who eats keto and used it to lose a ton of weight. One of his (very overweight) cousins took it upon himself to tell him that his diet would send him to an early grave.
His response? "Yeah, but at least they'll be able to carry my coffin."

A comedian was being heckled by a guy and his two friends. The comedian told them to "pool their IQs and just come as one fucking idiot, next time".

"Your dicks the size of a tic-tac"
"Is that why your moms breath is so fresh?"

"I envy people who've never met you"
It actually took me a while to realise how cruel it was.

I was texting my (relatively mild-mannered) father the other day, and I mentioned that my mother (his ex-wife) has been complaining to me about having had a c-section when I was born. She keeps saying, "it's your fault I have this awful scar."
So I texted my dad something like, "mom's blaming me for her c-section scar."
My father texted back, "tell her you didn't know so many guys were gonna see it."

Two motorists are angling for the same parking spot. One growls, "I never back down for idiots!" "Really? Well," the other replies, shifting his car into reverse. "I always do!"

One time my girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do. Being a rude animal, I said "It starts with an F and ends with an UCK."
Without even looking up from her magazine she said "Find your lost hockey puck?"
Not the wittiest thing by itself but it was QUICK.

When a hurricane was pounding his home state, Chris Brown tweeted "Please pray for Virginia."
TV writer Danny Zuker responded, "Oh God, what did you do to her?"

I had a customer angry we couldn't take another company's gift card. He said "are you saying I can't read?" I said "no our store got sold we can't take those anymore the grace period ended 2 years ago" when he looked at the gift card again he said nothing. His wife said "I guess you can't read after all".
I wanted to high five that lady.

My brother and I were at a Sonic restaurant in like 2009. He had, in each ear, a one inch hole and and an inch and and half hole. I had one inch ear piercings myself. The waitress skated out with our food. She had probably double-zero holes in her ears, less than half an inch. She looked at me and then at my brother and said, "damn, you make my holes feel small." Without skipping a beat, my brother replied, "that's what all the ladies say."

This short guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking shit on my brother for being tall (6'4") for some reason, saying stuff like "oh big tall man over here look at you aren't you special" etc. My brother responded with, "Dude, I was your height. It wasn't that great".

Man on bench: Run, Forrest, run! Jogger: Sit, fat ass, sit!

Reading through a fight between some friends of friends on FB. A girl says "Taken but not appreciated" in response to being given some advice about something. Someone responds with "I didn't ask for the title of your autobiography"
One of the only times I've audibly gasped at something I've read on the internet.

"You are, without a doubt, the worst pirate I've ever heard of."
"But you have heard of me."
Always enjoyed that one.