59 Roasts That Are So Good They Need Some Processing To Understand

“What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”.

Chef told my kitchen that they were as useless as a slinky. Not good for anything, but it still brings a smile to your face when you kick them down the stairs.

After the subject finished a several-minutes rant where they clearly had no idea what they were talking about:
"I do admire your confidence.".

Working with you is like working by myself, only harder.

I was in college, goofing around in a target (probably riding a cart) and a friend of mine heard the customer service counter guy say, "Oh look, the poster child for birth control".

One that has always stuck with me was the time I heard my roommates jokingly complaining about each other. One had long hair and a beard and was pretty chill so we called him Jesus. The other roommate said, loud enough for the entire apartment to hear, "Jesus left all of his dishes in the sink ... and he turned all of our water into wine!"

Not missing a beat from the other room, Jesus' voice echoed "sounds like you turned your tone into whine"

It took my other roommate a solid 5 seconds to process what was said and meant. Then he just deflated at the realization that he set himself up for that comeback. Jesus came out and put his dishes away.

Breathtakingly pedestrian.

I’ve always appreciated how you don't let logic slow you down.

Composer Max Reiger's response to a vicious critique:

"I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. Your review is before me. Soon it will be behind me.".

I'm glad you think it makes you look better - my DIL to me after I got a haircut that I liked.

A drunk guy was once hitting on my coworker at the bar/restaurant we worked wt. When she politely rejected him he got all bent out of shape. He was giving her a hard time after that. I cant remember exactly what he said, but something like, "you sure you should be wearing those low rise jeans? They give you a muffin top. Most women cant pull that off."

Without missing a beat, "well, you dont have the face, body or personality to pull off the level entitlement it takes to tell a woman what she should be wearing, but here we are." The table of guys he was with absolutely erupted with laughter. I dont think the dude quite got it. He looked like he was still trying to figure it out as she walked away.

But also, a woman shouldnt have to drop Eminem level comebacks before the entire table of men a harasser is with finally decides she deserves respect and steps in.

I've only said "Look, a distraction!" once and it worked immediately. The best part was the person's face as he turned back to glare at me.

One day I was working in the office and went to the break room for a snack. There were few others in there, small talking and laughing. Then the door swung open, and in marched Marjory. Marjory was universally disliked. She ran over people like that big rock ball in Raiders of the Lost Ark. She was a large lady with a bad attitude. We all hunkered down waiting for the inevitable storm. But no, right behind Marjory was our boss, Ms. Watkings. The boss said hello and walked to the coffee pot to get a cup. Marjory started needling with the sticky sweet "Hello's". Almost daring anyone to say anything. Ms. Watkins turned on her heel, coffee in hand and said,"Ah, sweet, little MaryAnn." Marjory huffed a reply,"I'm NOT MaryAnn." And the boss looked that woman straight in the eyes and said," I know." and walked out.

"I'm convinced everyone in that meeting knows what their windows taste like".

You brighten every room you walk out of.

Someone told me "you're the reason God created the middle finger" and i laughed for a solid 10 seconds before it hit me that i was the only one laughing.

I read a letter of recommendation that was actually a warning. It used phrases like "I can't recommend George too highly" and "We are thrilled to see him move on".

Churchill's famous assessment of one of his portraits was that is was a "remarkable example of modern art". He hated it so much he had it burned.

Took me like 30 years to fully understand this line from The Lion King:

"I know that your powers of retention are as wet as a warthog's backside"

Aka "y'all got potatoes for brains".

We were waiting to get off a plane and an older man said to another across the aisle "hey, I want to hold onto this book as I'm not quite done with it". The other man quickly retorted " I thought so, there are some big words in it ".