Medical Jokes To Be Taken Twice A Day

As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”

“Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “But it costs just as much.”

A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.

“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease, there’s no discomfort of any kind.”

“Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly!”

What did the judge say to the dentist?

“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”

"Did you hear the one about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around."

What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?

General Ken OB.

Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”

Doctor: “Heh… Not only from curiosity.”

Me: “Aren’t you going to treat me?”

Doctor: “I am treating you.”

Me: “You’re just staring at me.”

Doctor: “It’s called silent treatment.”

"I thought chiropractors were a big hoax. But I stand corrected."

A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe.

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: "I have some good news and bad news."

Man: "Tell me the bad news first doc."

Doctor: "The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe."

Man: "No way. What's the good news?"

Doctor: "The good news is the surgery was successful."

Mam: "Wait, what are you trying to say?"

Doctor: "You now have a Tic-Tac toe."

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

"After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. We think the doctor would do a way better job than us."

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer?

Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon."

Man: "Why?"

One day, a man stumbled into his doctor’s office with a terrible cold. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didn’t help. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t help either.

When the man returned again, the doctor told him, “Go home. Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.”

“But if I do that, I’ll risk getting pneumonia doc,” replied the man.

“I know,” said the doctor, “but I can cure pneumonia!”

One day, a man walked into a doctor’s office and told the receptionist he had shingles. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later, a nurse’s aid came out. She called his name and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. He responded by saying, “Shingles,” and she told him to wait in the exam room.

Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he has. “Shingles,” he responded. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. Before exiting the room, she told him to take off all of his clothes put on a robe and wait for the doctor.

Twenty minutes later, the doctor entered and asked him what he has.

“Shingles,” the man replied.

“Where?” asked the doctor.

“Outside in the truck,” the man responded, “Where do you want them?”

What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?

Hopefully not your doctor.

Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet?

So that she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!"

Doctor: "Okay, but why are you telling me about this?"

Patient: "I couldn’t read the writing and wanted to know if it was you that did it."

What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?

“Are you seeing any change in me?”