74 Long Jokes That Earn Their Laughs

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No", says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"
The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No", he says. "They’re all at the funeral."

After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges.

I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat. I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. My cousin replied, "Absolutely not! She has lost all her matches!"

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!", cried the man.
"Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time".

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."
"I don’t need to outrun the bear", the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're fiction." The manager was confused and asked him, "Don't you mean 'You are history'?" The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject, okay?"

I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for some ham and cheese. The librarian politely told him that he was in a library. The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, "Can I please have some ham and cheese?"

I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder."

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A Husband and Wife at Custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex wife: "I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?"

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room. Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”
“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"
My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City. It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea. A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!"
Her next announcement came six hours later: "Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available."

I was in a barbershop when a man and his young son walked in to get a haircut. The man asked the barber to give his son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby. The barber finished giving the haircut but there was no sign of the father. An hour passed, two hours passed. We finally asked the son where his father was. The boy shocked us by saying, "That man was not my father. He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him."

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes.”

Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! How's the water?"
The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water?"

A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking he’s a horrible person. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, “What happened?”
The man replies, “I hit this rabbit with my car and now it’s dead!”
The other person gets a thoughtful look on their face and goes back to their car. They rummage around in the trunk, and eventually walk back over to the man holding a spray bottle. They spray the rabbit with the bottle, and it comes back to life. It starts hopping away, turning back every few hops to wave at the two people. The man, astounded, turns to the other person and asks, “What was in that bottle?”
The other person replies, “It’s hare spray.”

I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. We agreed and soon the coffee arrived. As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee!"