Lawyers aren't funny. Except for, maybe, Saul Goodman, but he's more of a crook than a lawyer, which leaves nobody to rely on for entertainment in the world of law. Without getting too much into stereotypes, I think we can all agree that lawyers usually have a sense of humor that's as dry as an asphalt road over the driest place on earth, which is Kufra, Libya. That dry. Moreover, they usually seem pretty soulless - a perk for their job, but a con in real life - and unempathetic, which makes them seem, well, a bit inhuman. Again, those are just personal observations and agreed-upon stereotypes, and there's always an exception to the rule, but, as you are about to see, our collection of lawyer jokes is mainly based on exactly those three qualities. And you know what they say - there's always a grain of truth in every joke!
If we've agreed that lawyers' humor is usually pretty dry, you won't, however, find anything dry and bitter about these hilarious jokes! In fact, it seems that the stiffer the topic, the funnier the jokes come out to be. And law jokes are a really good example of the theory - they're anything but bland, boring, and bleak but rather the nicest combo of ironic, bittersweet, and clever. Just try and read them without smirking!
So, if you are ready, let us present you with our directory of only the best lawyer jokes found on the internet. If you wish to, add in your own silly jokes in the comments section, I guess we all have a few of those stashed somewhere when it comes to law! Also, do not forget to give your vote to the nicest jokes you find and share this article with other law-abiding citizens that you know.
#101
“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?” “Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”
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#102
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” “You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.
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#103
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?” The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”
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#104
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.
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#105
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough. The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you — what’s with the pocket business?” The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s pictures in there. When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.”
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#106
Why did the lawyer’s chicken cross the road?
He had an easement.
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#107
What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.
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#108
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th-grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest of the charity. Now, what does each get?” After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”
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#109
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processors?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
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#110
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site?
Because the plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
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#111
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?” “Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”
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#112
Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”
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#113
“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.” “Why do you say that?” “Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'”
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#114
Two lawyers walking through the woods spot a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers, and puts them on. The second lawyer looks at him and says, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!” “I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replies. “I’ only have to outrun you.”
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#115
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they’re boring.
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#116
Lawyers are like: "I wish you a happy day but in no way guarantee you one."
*escapes liability*
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#117
What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t take its wingtips off at night.
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#118
A paralegal, associate, and partner walked to lunch through a city park. They found an old lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted each of them one wish. The paralegal said, “I want to be in the Bahamas on a sailboat with Brad Pitt!” Poof, she was gone. The associate said, “I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!” Poof, he was gone. The partner said, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
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#119
If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
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#120
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about the fee schedule. “Alright,” the lawyer says, looking through his papers. “You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 each month for the next 36 months.” “What?! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client. “You’re right,” the lawyer replied. “It’s mine.”
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