A Collection Of History Jokes That Never Go Out Of Date

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?

Floodlights!

Why aren't you doing well in history?

Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Indepen-dance.

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?

He wanted to Mark Antony.

Who was the biggest thief in history?

Atlas. He held up the whole world.

I started studying art history.

I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.

Which Pharoah played the trumpet?

Tooting-khamun!

How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?

3 Galleons.

Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?

No, but Genghis Khan!

Why did Napoleon conquer so much land?

Because he didn't have much Toulouse.

What did the Greeks say after Constantinople was taken by the Turks?

What a load of Istanbull.

After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name.

Unfortunately, Iran was already taken.

How did the Vikings send secret messages?

By Norse code!

What did Mason say to Dixon?

We’ve got to draw the line here!

Why is history like a fruit cake?

It’s full of dates.

How are the first Americans like ants?

They both live in colonies.

What’s an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?

Pizza Tut!

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

It can’t sit down.

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

What do you call a businessman who lives within the Byzantine Empire?

A Byz-nessman.