Hey Pandas, What’s Your Best One Liner?

Tell me something I don't know about you.. Like you phone number

I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.

I’m an acquired taste, if you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

What makes you think evolution cares whether or not you believe in it.

Most people get mad when a sentence doesnt end like its potato

When they were handing out brains, you thought they said 'rain' and ran for the porch.

I almost went on America’s Got Talent until I realized I was the one that was supposed to have talent to go :-(

I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula ~ Mitch Hedberg

Eagles soar high, but weasles don't get stuck in jet engines.

I could only think of this one, though it was dumb.
What's up? - The sky (or the ceiling)

Can I asked a question? You just did.

"not my circus, not my monkey"..........

or

"la-dee-frickin'-da"

Being a smart a$$ only proves that an a$$ can occasionally be intelligent.

Half the population is below average intelligence.

Context: Cop busted a guy for painting a guy red and blowing up his house

"Unless you wanna see if your blood is tuscan red, I'd recommend you stay put."

How you Doing?
"I'm doing as I please!"

Have ya ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight ?!!?

Hey buddy you got a match?

Yes, your face and my bum.

A seal walked into a club.

I live on a ranch. This means I know the difference between horse s**t and bull s**t.
This place is a powder keg and these people are a match away.
When I look at you, I think, THATS the sperm that won?
You are what happens when there is no life guard at the gene pool.
Some people are young and foolish, at least you still have foolish.
Till I spoke to you I didn’t know stupid was a career option.

( These are just a few off the top of my head. I was born and raised in NJ. Sarcasm is our Kung Fu … and it is strong grasshoppers. )