Hey Pandas, What’s Your Best One Liner?

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein

I would tell you a joke about noble gases but it wouldn’t get a reaction

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can helium and you can’t curium you may as well barium

To people walked into a bar. One asked for h2o. The other asked for h2o too. He wasn’t specific enough. He promptly died. Knowledge is power kids. Yay. Long live the nerds.

I hate my social media accounts. I hope they blow up.

You might be kind, but German children will always be kinder

"Do you live around here often?"

There is no "I" in team, but there is a "u" in F$#k you.

You go to an American bathroom and suddenly, you're a Russian. When you come out, you're Finnished

(someone commenting on a woman's practically theoretical dress) "I've seen more cotton in an aspirin bottle."

If you wake up and smell the roses chances are you’ve been buried alive.

If some one says to me "Drive safely" I reply "I will drive as I want to"
Or "Sleep well" I reply " I will sleep as I want to"
All with a very serious and indignant face. :) Then I smile.

If someone is weareing a very bright or off beat shirt or shoes etc I always say " You can wear that shirt/shoes/tie etc with any thing" Then I pause to see how their face lights up and feel proud, then I reply the second part "Because it goes with nothing." :)

A guy was so lazy that he got up at 3 am so he would be able to do nothing for a longer period of time.

We went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog there. It was a s**t zoo!

Everything is getting smaller or an inferior quality. Terry’s Chocolate Orange is now a chocolate satsuma.

Innuendo – an Italian enema.

We used to cough to hide a fart, now during covid we fart to hide a cough.

Those three little words to keep your wife happy – you’re right dear!

Get someone else’s life -- yours is not working.

You ask if he had any enemies? Do you have a phone book?

Don’t be so open minded that your brains fall out!

A guy said he wanted to get into my pants.
Not possible, I said, there’s only room for one asshole and I’m it!

A guy said, “If you ain’t from Texas, you ain’t s**t.” I felt bad, but then wondered if I would have felt any better if he said I was s**t.

Have you been to Area 51? Not that I remember.

Customer at a drive thru window: Is Jack here?
Server: No, Jack’s off tonight.

Date said: I can’t tell you what I do for a living and then let you live.
Me: Well, can you hint at it and just beat me up?

Fired at the guy, missed his ear by 3” -- yup, got him right between the eyes.
I did fire a warning shot through his liver.

The car could stop on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in some guy’s pocket.

You look tired. Let me hold your wallet.

I am single by choice. You, however, are being rejected.

I’m really an asshole but this is my day off.

I shoot in the low 70's, gets any colder than that, I don't go out.

How come you're late so soon? you used to be behind before but now you're finally first at last

Not me, but one of my friends. I was telling him about the time I went behind the bleachers and saw some clueless couple doing IT....and he said, "Would be good practice for when I'm an adult." It was two weeks ago. I'm 13 and he's 14.

Nothing is better than the best

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

- Groucho Marx

I encourage friends with this classic line from Rodney Dangerfield [google him]: "Look out for number one and try not to step in number two."