Hey Pandas, What's Your Best Comeback? (Closed)

I had a violent husband who used to hallucinate when he was very drunk on spirits. (Notice I did say HAD.) One evening, he came stumbling in and went to the kitchen, going to the fridge to see if he could find something else to drink. He couldn't but started to chase me down the hallway, swearing at me because he said I had "a man in the freezer for later." I have no idea what gave me the courage to reply but I yelled back at him that "At least he'd be stiff!"

After a lengthy discussion about guitars, someone asked me what guitar I had. I said a red one. But I was being serious and not insulting, guess it's an Asperger's thing.

My friend told me he was a non conformist. I told him I knew that already. He asked what gave it away. I replied ‘you fit the stereotype’. I wonder what ever happened to that guy...

I know i've already posted but this one is good. If someone is being a jerk and says you're pretty but you know they're being sarcastic say this"I may be hotter than the sun but your colder than the moon"

"Have you narrowed down the identity of your father to less than a dozen possibilities?"
"That was almost close to nearly being semi-intelligible."
"I have the answer if you'd ever get to the end of your question."
"Let us know if you ever achieve competency at anything."
"You need to set your sights lower. Adequacy is clearly beyond your skillset."
"There's a point in there somewhere, drowning in a sea of verbiage."
"You're boldly going where no one would ever want to go."
"Your parents said you should concentrate on your brains because you'd never get anywhere with your looks. You should have listened to them."
"Your inferiority complex is justified. You're actually inferior."

I had one the other day on here. I’ll attach a screenshot in the chat.

If you had a dollar for every brain cell you had you’d be a millionaire but look at that, your broke.

And yet, despite my face. You are still talking

My comeback to the old misogynists' joke of "What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?" with the punchline of "Nothing, I already told her twice". I said "hmmm, I'm pretty sure what you say is please don't shoot me again!" Shut those two chuckleheads up pretty quick.

I love reading Shakespeare, so I usually just say "Why (sir/ma'am,) cobble you. I do have a few for special occasions:
"F**k you!" F**k me yourself, you coward.
"Nobody asked." Oh well I was about to make you some cupcakes, but since you didn't ask for them just forget it.
"What is wrong with you?" Everything. (Or perhaps, "Well I eat hands and kill people, that's two things)
"She speaks!" You stopped speaking for two seconds! Oh wait, I fell asleep.

A loud, obnoxious, trash talking poker player who I'd just won a huge pot from after calling his all in bluff:
"I'm gonna bust you up. Lets PLAY!"
Me: "No thanks. If I want to play with a prick I'll play with my own. Buh bye!"

Book references. Lots of pineapples up noses.

Yeah. I wasn't worth a damn when I was your age either.

When a random person finds a typo in my work and they write to say how stupid they think i am, if im in the mood i'll fire back:
"Glad i could make your day. It's all down hill from here, better go back to bed. Lol"
People who regulary get joy from others' mistakes are sad and powerless. They aren't worth anything more than my dismissal - and that's only if they catch me at the rare moment where i have so little to do, I'll piss away a couple of seconds on a troll. If they reply - which is rare - i dont read it, i dont respond. Ive gotten out of this situation all i could possibly want. We're done here (which is another great comeback - outright refusing to engage in someone's bs and saying it right to their faces *chef's kiss*)

TL;DR Be Beyonce. Dont stoop to their level - make sure they know you have dismissed them or simply never engage - and living well is the best revenge.

PS.
I also enjoy in a pro setting when some angry guy swears at me - "you cannot talk to me like that. This conversation is over until you can calm down and act like an adult" (hangs up, walks out)
Sorry so long, there are a lot of randos out there who like to crap on creatives - it comes with the gig

Your the reason god created the middle finger.

My mother in law was complaining about all the steps up to our apartment on the fourth floor. I asked, 'Then why don't you climb on your broom and fly up?'

"I didn't mean to push your buttons. I was looking for MUTE."

This guy was talking sh*t so I said ‘I bet your a** is jealous of all the sh*t coming out your mouth’

Alright, this'll be the last one I add.

Someone: "Angry and rude criticism."
Response: "Thank you for your response! For further comments, please contact 1-800-IDONTGIVEAFUCK. [Passive aggressive smile]"

And yet, despite my face. You are still talking...