Hey Pandas, What's Your Best Comeback? (Closed)

For even the biggest stupidity or insult I say "you are right". I have better things to do than engage in that kind of conversations.

My grand nephew lived with us for awhile and he was emptying the garbage when I opened the refrigerator and he asked, "Is there anything old in there?", meaning leftovers. Without skipping a beat, I said, "Just the guy reaching for a beer". He dropped the garbage can.

My most absolute favourite, an oldie but a goodie as the saying goes: “If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your nose.” They have to stop and think about it.

“Go to hell.”
“I don’t know if you noticed but I’m already there. After all, I have looked at your face for at least five minutes.”

There was a co-worker who, in addition to thinking that he was the supreme of sensuality, insistently harassed the girls and that bothered me a lot (everyone really) until the day when, in front of all the harassed women, I asked him: " Do you know what women say when they meet a real man? ", To which he replies:" I don't know ". My return: "But I know".

I would try to see it from your perspective but I fit my head that far up my a**

A friend of mine said K-pop's 'gay' so I said, "Well, you're straight, yet nobody likes you."

Another one I used was when my classmate was being blatantly racist so I said that I'd slap her but it would be animal abuse.

1. Someday you'll go far. I hope you stay there.
2. You bring people so much joy...when you leave the room
3. The people who deal with you on a daily basis are the real heroes
4. You're so full of crap, the toilet's jealous
5. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world

ur welcome

Silence.

It’s a good thing you’re pretty!

These are my top favourite comebacks I use :
1) I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
2) Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
3) Somewhere out there, there’s a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.
4) What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
5) Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
6) Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
7) JOKER: Knock Knock
BATMAN: Whos there
JOKER: Definitely not your parents
BATMAN : (
Warning: Use at your own risk !!!

Used this on some boy who had harrassed me for months. Felt. So. Good.

Me: Go f*ck yourself
Them: Well actually that's phsycally impossible
Me: Well if your d**k's as big as your ego I really doubt it

Once a guy I worked with who was constantly hitting on me had me cornered in in the parts department. He leered at me and said, "I bet you're a tiger in bed!" I said "I'm better. Too bad you'll never find out first hand!" And while he was taking that in I slipped under his arm blocking my way and walked off...

My favorite comes from "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior." I read this in the 80s, when it wasn't exactly an enlightened time for the LGBTQ community, so I found her comeback profound and instructive, if rather unexpected.

Someone wrote in: What should I say when I'm introduced to a gay couple?

Her answer: "How do you do?" "How do you do?"

A guy was bragging how clean his house was. "You can literally eat from my floor" he said. Me: "Yes, a 6-course menu for 18 people."

Mate, put a fu**ing nappie over your face, cause you’re talking s**t!

This wasn't mine, but was the best comeback/pun I ever heard, and came from a woman named Beth:

A young Indian employee was telling his co-workers about his betrothed, and said her name was "Roshni" (pron. Rosh-nee). One of the women in back didn't hear the name too well, and asked if it were "Lunchmeat". Beth shot back, without missing a beat, "Well, she's from New Delhi."

Get someone else’s life — yours isn’t working . . . . . . . . . What goes around comes around. Looks like you’re on the down side of karma . . . . . . . . . A beautiful woman will only be pretty for a few years. I’ll be smart and sassy all my life . . . . . . . . . One of my best: An out-of-control child was bothering everyone waiting for a table. When the kid got to me, I looked down and said “Go stand by your mother. Not everyone likes children.” Kid went to mom. Mom says, “Bitch.” Suddenly I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac, “Is bitch the best you can do? I’ve been a bitch lots of times. Once more won’t change anything.” . . . . . . . . . . . And for adults . . . . . . . . One of my few times at a bar, I saw man striking out with women. When he got to me he said I wasn’t what he was looking for. My comeback was an old joke I heard a long time ago: “I may not be much to look at but I can suck start a Harley. Shame you’re never gonna know what that feels like.” His mouth hung open as I strolled away . . .

On a new (and last) date the guy leaned over and said, "I'd really like to get in your pants".
I looked puzzled and said. " Now why would you want to do that? There's one a**hole in there already.

I've been called a B---H before, no problem. I correct them by saying that's B-being I-in T-total C-control of H-herself and don't you forget it!