77 Savage Comebacks That Ended The Argument Immediately

Was jokingly asked out to yr 10 formal (prom) in front of whole class by a "popular" girl who definitely had no interest in me. I without a moment's hesitation say *No thanks Lauren. I have standards* whole class and teacher lost it.

I was playing spades one time and a guy tried to lead the game off with a spade. I told him he couldn't do that; spades have to be broken first. He refused to play by the rules, so I refused to play. He started singing, "The wheels on the bus go round and round," to imply that I was acting like a child. He asked me, "Do you know why I'm singing that?" I said, "Yeah, cause I'm taking you to school.".

“I’ve been called much worse by people much better”.

This one came from year 6 at school, probably my favourite.

My mate: "your gay"

Some kid: without breaking step "you wish"

My mate got roasted and all I could do was applaud.

Patting myself on the back for this one. I was helping a kid in class and big bully kid said I’m a nerd for helping. Told him, well at least I’m graduating, whole class went oohhhhhhhhh. Thought I had to fight the guy after so I watched my back the rest of the day.

He didn’t graduate, got caught with d***s and spent a few years in jail.

Kid in class (on the spectrum somewhere) knocks over a lab stool. Smart a*s goes haha you knocked over your chair. Stuff like this usually sets him off. To my amazement, he replies “No, I laid it down just like I do with your mother.” I gave him a high five.

Sitting in a bar at 3AM off of Bourbon St. The windows are just open shutters. Dude who just left the bar leans in on our table to shout at some friends still in the bar. One of our group makes a silly/snide comment. Dude leaning in smacks the table with an open palm and says, “Everybody who ever loved you was wrong.” Then he walks away without looking back.

We still revel in that story.

My dad got fed up with my buddy one time. My dad is tall and he is short.

He says:
"You know what buddy, I got 12 inches on you. And I'm taller.".

In high school, this chubby/fat dude made fun of another guy in class.. kept mocking him with his curly hair.. this other guy is an introverted nerdy quiet guy.. suddenly he goes "yeah, well at least I can see my d**k!" Entire classroom went off!!I will always remember that episode.

A long time ago when mom jokes were the vogue in my early twenties (in the late 90's) and before I realized that courage wasn't just some level of manliness, I was telling a friend that they really needed to man up and tell someone the truth.



I looked over and said "Dude, don't make me punch you where your balls are supposed to be!", all implying that indeed he was in fact, b**less. Without dropping a beat, my friend just laid this one out there "Dude! You're gonna punch your mom in the mouth?" Touche, Touche.

A TV news weatherman said to a group of us off the air in a conversation about a local school, " Well, I went there and IT SUCKED!" A really quick and funny producer instantly replied, "Kinda, cause and effect, right?" We all laughed for like 5 mins.

Okay I know it's lame to mention one I said but...

I was 20 home visiting from school and a Fwb and I were planning a weekend together. We booked a hotel downtown and everything. (Big city) Well before hand I was having lunch w my mom, my siser and her at the time bf (they are now married.) My sister is 3 years older than me. I mention my weekend plans and my sister makes a judgie face and says something to my mom to the affect of

"How can you let her spend a weekend at a hotel with a man she's not even in a relationship with" (making it out to be like I was being skanky)

To which I replied

"I'm sorry which one of us lost her virginity at 14 because it sure as hell wasn't me."

That shut her up pretty fast.

The only man you haven’t shagged is your dad and that’s because you’ve never met him - me to a girl who pointed how unattractive she found me for no good reason lol.

Someone once told me I had a face only a mother could love, I responded with "Yes, your mother!".

4th grade and I was obsessed with mirrors. My mom knew this and let me take her little compact mirror she used to apply lipstick to school with me. A bully on the playground approached me with his friends because they wanted to use the ball I was playing with. He told me to give him the ball. I said no. He said I was ugly and all of his friends did the whole “Ohhhh, ooooooo” sound. So, I asked him what was uglier than ugly. He said what? I opened the mirror and showed him his reflection and he stood there not knowing what to say. One of his friends got the joke and started cracking up and one by one everyone else understood until everyone was laughing. The bully didn’t understand it and two or three of his friends all explained it to him. To this day I’ve never seen somebody’s face turn as red as his did. He never bothered me again and his friends became my friends.

Overweight lady at McDonalds: “Well God gave me a mouth to talk so I’m gonna use that privilege.”
Random dude: “God gave you a mouth to eat too but I see you’ve a****d that privilege.”
Overweight lady’s jaw drops.
Random dude: “You’ve got some ketchup on your chin.”
She proceeds to wipe with a napkin.
Random dude: “No, wrong chin.”.

A street hustler is trying to hand out/sell CDs and an overweight gentleman walks by and says no thanks.

Hustler: “if it was a donut, you’d eat it.”

Tubby: “if it was a dollar, you’d beg for it.”.

Few years ago had a summer job cleaning the beach and pulling weeds. Had a hard time pulling this weed out so this kid who I worked with came along

Him: Move Over this is a man's job!!

Me: Then why are you doing it??

Everyone laughed.

"Me respeita muleque! Só não sou teu pai porque tua mãe não tinha troco pra 20!"

Which roughly translate as: "Show some respect boy! I'm not your dad only because your mom didn't have change for a 20!".

I once gave a classmate a penny and told him, “it always feel nice giving money to the poor”. He response with “thanks man, with this I can do your mom and still get get change”.