97 Timeless Grandpa Jokes That Have Aged Like Fine Wine

My granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He’s now classed as a seasoned veteran.

Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.

A dying grandfather tells his grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandpa, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With his last breath, Grandpa whispered, "Facebook..."

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"

I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died...
"Are you still holding the ladder?"

What confirmed the fact that grandpa should retire?
When he stopped lying about his age and switched to boasting about it.

What did grandpa say when everyone told him my father looked like him?
He said, "He's a poor guy, don't worry he'll grow out of it".

What does grandpa say when a waiter asks about the food at the restaurant?
He points at our finished plates and confirms, "They almost didn't like it."

What did the grandpa say when he couldn't understand his grandson's jokes?
He yelled, "Back in my days, at least jokes made sense!"

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans. I said, “Who is this guy?”
My Grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”

I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.

My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive.
Turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese single-handedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

The other day I went to the ATM and this old man asked if I could check his balance, so I pushed him over.

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport. He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport:
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before."
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner."

In America, it's called "Alt Right".
In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina".

I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...
"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age and the reporter asks, "Do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says, "You know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad".
And the reporter, stunned, stammers, "Y-your dad? Where is he right now??"
And the old man says, "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...
Then he got kicked out of the theater.