Relationships aren't perfect, and the people in them are far from ideal, either. We all have bad habits and personality faults.
However, what to one person might seem like a minor issue can be a sign of actually abusive behavior.
According to the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline, over one in three women and one in four men have experienced abuse by an intimate partner. We don't always spot the signs in time, but there are some.
Recently, people online have been sharing what red flags they ignored in past relationships.
When u/HappyHappyJoyJoy44 asked other netizens, “What was the first red flag you ignored in your worst relationship?”, many people shared some heavy experiences.
#22
Even though they were 'too busy' to respond to texts, they managed to spend the entire day posting on social media.
notSanii: Dude, this annoys me to my core. Most recently, a guy I was talking to used to run Call of Duty with me all the time, and now when I ask to chill and game he says he’s too tired for games. An hour later I see that he’s gaming with his friends.
His excuse: 'they asked me.' Man, it’s all BS. Just say you don’t care to hang out anymore. Same with the social media thing, they simply don’t care to talk anymore.
notSanii: Dude, this annoys me to my core. Most recently, a guy I was talking to used to run Call of Duty with me all the time, and now when I ask to chill and game he says he’s too tired for games. An hour later I see that he’s gaming with his friends.
His excuse: 'they asked me.' Man, it’s all BS. Just say you don’t care to hang out anymore. Same with the social media thing, they simply don’t care to talk anymore.
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44points
#23
People would give me a weird look when I told them who I was dating, and ask why. They’d say he had a reputation for being an a*****e, but hey maybe he’s different once you get to know him. Turns out he was, in fact, an a*****e.
Willing-Hour3643: That she didn't get along with anybody. She was an argumentative and controlling person in all of her personal relationships."
I ignored all that and thought she'd change but after I was with her, I saw that she blamed everyone for her own shortcomings and had anger issues and mental issues and refused to get help
Willing-Hour3643: That she didn't get along with anybody. She was an argumentative and controlling person in all of her personal relationships."
I ignored all that and thought she'd change but after I was with her, I saw that she blamed everyone for her own shortcomings and had anger issues and mental issues and refused to get help
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43points
#24
Oof… I ignored a lot.
1. Him admitting he cheated on his ex multiple times.
2. Having a lot of girls on his snap/social media.
3. Finding hair ties/girl items in his room around the time we became official.
4. Love-bombing
5. Flirty with other women. Teetering on the boundary between friendship and inappropriate.
1. Him admitting he cheated on his ex multiple times.
2. Having a lot of girls on his snap/social media.
3. Finding hair ties/girl items in his room around the time we became official.
4. Love-bombing
5. Flirty with other women. Teetering on the boundary between friendship and inappropriate.
43points
#25
My (36f) first month with my last bf, I had plans to go to the Renaissance fair with some friends and invited him but he had to work. he acted super pissed the night before that I was still going without him. then the next morning he called me saying he was having a stroke (42m, smoker) and I was like omg call 911, I’m omw to your apartment.
he says no, don’t come over. so I wait. he calls me from the hospital (that he drove to!) 30 min later and says his brother met him there. at this point it’s clear it wasn’t a stroke, and I say can I come meet you, which hospital. he says no.
so I take my friends to the Ren fair and text and call to check on him. he ends up flipping out on me saying I should never have gone since he was in the hospital. I just thought since we had only been dating a month, and his family was there, and he wouldn’t cooperate in telling me which hospital to go to, or where to meet him to see him, AND HE WAS FINE, I didn’t think cancelling my plan was appropriate, or even what he wanted.
This set the stage for the rest of the relationship. He would never admit to what he wanted or needed, and actually would tell me the opposite of what he needed, sincerely, even when I said ah but let me take care of you! or whatever. Histrionic displays and tantrums are a big red flag and you need to leave immediately.
It ended in him almost killing me during a tantrum on a camping trip two years later. They do not change for you, once you show them you’ll stay through their bad behavior.
he says no, don’t come over. so I wait. he calls me from the hospital (that he drove to!) 30 min later and says his brother met him there. at this point it’s clear it wasn’t a stroke, and I say can I come meet you, which hospital. he says no.
so I take my friends to the Ren fair and text and call to check on him. he ends up flipping out on me saying I should never have gone since he was in the hospital. I just thought since we had only been dating a month, and his family was there, and he wouldn’t cooperate in telling me which hospital to go to, or where to meet him to see him, AND HE WAS FINE, I didn’t think cancelling my plan was appropriate, or even what he wanted.
This set the stage for the rest of the relationship. He would never admit to what he wanted or needed, and actually would tell me the opposite of what he needed, sincerely, even when I said ah but let me take care of you! or whatever. Histrionic displays and tantrums are a big red flag and you need to leave immediately.
It ended in him almost killing me during a tantrum on a camping trip two years later. They do not change for you, once you show them you’ll stay through their bad behavior.
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43points
#26
He was a mama's boy. Girl, no matter what... they never change and you'll never be first 🤷🏻♀️
PD: And he'll cheat on you because the only person he needs to be loyal to is his mom 😅.
PD: And he'll cheat on you because the only person he needs to be loyal to is his mom 😅.
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42points
#27
It wasn’t one red flag, it was red bunting. She basically told me the story of how she screwed over every boyfriend she’d ever had (and there were a lot). I finally realised these were a warning but she’d shredded my heart and set fire to the pieces by then.
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40points
#28
A real pattern of stories in which they were always the victim, with no apparent introspection / admission around their own role in any given issue or situation. And wouldn’t you know it….
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40points
#29
When they brushed off my boundaries like they were suggestions.
mariana96as: I should’ve known my ex didn’t know what boundaries are when I saw that his parents have two toilets facing each other in their bathroom. The whole family is insane
No__direction: Mine didn’t even have a bathroom door. Just a curtain. They removed the door! No knocking either. They’d look through the curtain, stair for a long moment the say 'hurry up' or walk away with an irritated vibe.
Boundaries did not exist in that house. Everything was everyone’s business… even my sister’s monthly cycle
mariana96as: I should’ve known my ex didn’t know what boundaries are when I saw that his parents have two toilets facing each other in their bathroom. The whole family is insane
No__direction: Mine didn’t even have a bathroom door. Just a curtain. They removed the door! No knocking either. They’d look through the curtain, stair for a long moment the say 'hurry up' or walk away with an irritated vibe.
Boundaries did not exist in that house. Everything was everyone’s business… even my sister’s monthly cycle
37points
#30
So many! I feel like an idiot thinking back.
But the biggest one: he kept saying ¨Im not good at relationships¨
plot twist, he wasnt
insert shocked pikachu face.
But the biggest one: he kept saying ¨Im not good at relationships¨
plot twist, he wasnt
insert shocked pikachu face.
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37points
#31
Started seeing a 40F who accused every partner she's had since she was a freshman in high school of being abusive & controlling (including, eventually, both me and the guy she left me for)
One is unfortunate. Two or three means maybe some therapy is in order. Fifteen to twenty means you might be projecting a little bit (spoiler: she was abusive and controlling).
One is unfortunate. Two or three means maybe some therapy is in order. Fifteen to twenty means you might be projecting a little bit (spoiler: she was abusive and controlling).
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35points
#32
Lack of car for his younger brother. first time i slept over and we went to pick up breakfast for us and his younger brother. we didn’t realize they messed up his brother’s order (they legit gave us an untoasted mcmuffin, nothing else). it was literally a 2 min drive so i insisted we go back quickly as we just pulled into the driveway. he refused, didnt even offer to give his younger brother his order instead and got mad when i offered mine up. told his brother to deal with it and i got in MY car and drove to get the right order for his brother. i didnt mind as it was a 2 minute drive and i didnt want him eating a plain untoasted mcmuffin, plus we were left to take care of him since their parents were out of town for business.
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30points
#33
I just broke up with someone who would belittle my hobbies and interests at any given opportunity I’m sorry I hope you find someone who appreciates you.
Its_Curse: This exactly. About two weeks into the relationship he spent 30 minutes telling me how sh**ty and absolute garbage he thought my favorite band was. I got upset and he said 'Well I'm not making fun of you, just this sh*t band.'
He then proceeded to mock me for literally everything I liked and did for the next two years. My taste in music, my favorite shows, my hobbies, what I liked to eat, what I read, what I wore, my friends, my family. He once literally turned me picking a bagel for breakfast into a screaming match about how I only eat gross sh*t and how I do it on purpose to upset him (I had no idea he didn't like bagels???).
It turns out it was never about the bagel or the music. He was just a controlling and abusive nightmare and was taking his bad day out on me. I left him after he physically assaulted me. I wish my self esteem had been good enough for me to get out of there sooner. I still have CPTSD over it all.
anxiousBarnes: And of course their hobbies are so much more important than yours. I hate that so much. Used to be with a guy who liked 'educational' passtimes like learning new languages and playing instruments and bs like that (all stuff his parents forced into him from a young age) so of course me wanting to read comics and take hip hop dance classes for fun was obviously just absurd and beneath him.
Its_Curse: This exactly. About two weeks into the relationship he spent 30 minutes telling me how sh**ty and absolute garbage he thought my favorite band was. I got upset and he said 'Well I'm not making fun of you, just this sh*t band.'
He then proceeded to mock me for literally everything I liked and did for the next two years. My taste in music, my favorite shows, my hobbies, what I liked to eat, what I read, what I wore, my friends, my family. He once literally turned me picking a bagel for breakfast into a screaming match about how I only eat gross sh*t and how I do it on purpose to upset him (I had no idea he didn't like bagels???).
It turns out it was never about the bagel or the music. He was just a controlling and abusive nightmare and was taking his bad day out on me. I left him after he physically assaulted me. I wish my self esteem had been good enough for me to get out of there sooner. I still have CPTSD over it all.
anxiousBarnes: And of course their hobbies are so much more important than yours. I hate that so much. Used to be with a guy who liked 'educational' passtimes like learning new languages and playing instruments and bs like that (all stuff his parents forced into him from a young age) so of course me wanting to read comics and take hip hop dance classes for fun was obviously just absurd and beneath him.
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30points
#34
He constantly talked down about other women. He would comment on their weight, the clothes they wore, would criticize their tattoos, literally anythinggggg and as time went on I was no different when it came to facing his ridicule. Learned a difficult and forever life altering lesson with him.
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29points
#35
The first time I saw my ex acting upset snapping at his roommate while making dinner, I gently laid my hand on his arm and asked "Is something wrong?" He yelled "IM FINE" and kept yelling at me all night, angry at me for "prying". Turns out he would treat me like this every time he was upset for the next few years.
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29points
#37
The fact that he only seemed to show love or affection through gifts/financial things.
Turns out the entire relationship was based around manipulation, financial abuse, and control. Took a lot of work to unfuck that situation.
Turns out the entire relationship was based around manipulation, financial abuse, and control. Took a lot of work to unfuck that situation.
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28points
#38
He was rude (verbally abusive) towards his mum over something minor. Didn’t take him long to treat me the same over minor things, only even worse. .
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28points
#39
Flakiness and excuses.
Say_Fellas: Second this. The flakiness. Saying they’ll do something then forgetting about it. Cheap words that get your hopes high with nothing to show at the end of it. Not just a few times but Again and Again until you realise it is who they are.
Say_Fellas: Second this. The flakiness. Saying they’ll do something then forgetting about it. Cheap words that get your hopes high with nothing to show at the end of it. Not just a few times but Again and Again until you realise it is who they are.
27points
#40
On the first date she said "I'm kind of obsessive"
She then proceeded to stalk me for a year after I broke up with her. Fortunately, we were both in the military, and she transferred to another command eventually.
She then proceeded to stalk me for a year after I broke up with her. Fortunately, we were both in the military, and she transferred to another command eventually.
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26points