I don’t know about you, but the perfect comeback usually finds me several hours too late—right when I’m in the shower or desperately trying to fall asleep. By then, of course, the moment is long gone. Some people, however, seem to have a natural gift for saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time, and the rest of us can only watch in awe.
Luckily, one Redditor asked users to share the wittiest comebacks they’ve ever said or heard, and they came through with plenty. So if you want a few sharp lines ready for later, this might come in handy. Scroll down for the best ones.
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#21
Once I had to call a coworker who had called out sick to ask him a quick question. As the call ended I jokingly said "Ya know, you don't sound very sick."
Without skipping a beat he said "Well you don't sound like a doctor."
I think about that often.
Without skipping a beat he said "Well you don't sound like a doctor."
I think about that often.
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#22
Tennisser Vitas Gerulaitis was defeated by Jimmy Connors 16 consecutive times.
After he finally beat Connors he said:
"And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row!".
After he finally beat Connors he said:
"And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row!".
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#23
When Lady Astor told Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," he famously retorted, "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it".
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#24
Worked a security job with my father. A “gentleman” who definitely did not belong in the restricted area wanted to get past our security check point. When we denied him entrance, he got [angry] and asked/yelled, “do you know who I am?!?!”
Without missing a beat and with an Oscar worthy performance of “concerned bystander”, my father says, “why? Have you forgotten? Would you like me to call an ambulance?”
I followed my father’s lead and played it straight faced but I really struggled to hold in my laughter!
Without missing a beat and with an Oscar worthy performance of “concerned bystander”, my father says, “why? Have you forgotten? Would you like me to call an ambulance?”
I followed my father’s lead and played it straight faced but I really struggled to hold in my laughter!
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#25
One time this big football dude was crossing a bridge in front of me and some dude squared up to fight him. The football dude calmly said "buddy, think about what youre doing, you are the type of guy i fight on the way to fights" and the dude put his dukes down and retreated. Amazing.
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#26
My oldest son, when he was about 6 years old. I had made some sort of dad joke and followed it up with “I’m embarrassing you, aren’t I?”
That witty little guy responded “no, you’re embarrassing yourself”.
He’s 14 now and I still haven’t recovered, haha.
That witty little guy responded “no, you’re embarrassing yourself”.
He’s 14 now and I still haven’t recovered, haha.
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#27
Putting the heart monitors on a precocious little boy before surgery, who was bragging about winning his spelling test.
Kid: of course I know what that is, that’s a defibrillator!
(Very matter of fact, with a super healthy dose of kid snark)
Anesthetist: yeah that’s right, can you spell that?
Kid, thinks for a second, then says to the anesthetist;
“Can You?”
To this day, top five favourite patient ever.
Kid: of course I know what that is, that’s a defibrillator!
(Very matter of fact, with a super healthy dose of kid snark)
Anesthetist: yeah that’s right, can you spell that?
Kid, thinks for a second, then says to the anesthetist;
“Can You?”
To this day, top five favourite patient ever.
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#28
My friend in a checkout lane at a Trader Joe's when another very bubbly checker opens a lane and calls him over with, "I can help you over here Mr. Man... Sir!"
His reply: "Please, MISTER Man Sir is my father.".
His reply: "Please, MISTER Man Sir is my father.".
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#30
Comedian said to me ( front row) “you’re pretty funny aren’t you mate” I replied “I figured one of us should be”.
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#31
At work. The Stones song "Beast of Burden" is playing overhead. My female coworker is singing along with the "pretty pretty girls" part, and she says "Pretty pretty girls...hey did you guys know, this song's about me?"
Instantly my buddy Mike: "Which one are you, a beast or a burden?".
Instantly my buddy Mike: "Which one are you, a beast or a burden?".
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#32
Me and my husband had been messing around telling "that's what she said" jokes and our 11 year old came on the room and asked why we were laughing so much. I told her that it was nothing, just an adult joke, and she replied "you're an adult joke", ngl it still hurts 4 years later.
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#33
My stepdad is a jerk, a snide one whose face looks like he’s always sucking on a sour toenail. At the time I was studying radio broadcasting and wanted to be a radio host/DJ. I joked about how at least I’d be getting paid for talking since I do it a lot anyway.
He snarkily said “yeah haha I didn’t know how to tell you nicely.”
I responded with “don’t be silly, you’d never say it nicely.”
Felt pretty good. As a kid he was the type to always point out something that was wrong, never gave positive reinforcement. Especially sucked since I had undiagnosed adhd.
He snarkily said “yeah haha I didn’t know how to tell you nicely.”
I responded with “don’t be silly, you’d never say it nicely.”
Felt pretty good. As a kid he was the type to always point out something that was wrong, never gave positive reinforcement. Especially sucked since I had undiagnosed adhd.
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#34
I pulled up to the local bar after buying a new car and a guy said "must be nice having daddy's money" and I responded "it is, but please stop calling me daddy.".
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#35
I had one that I was proud of 20-some years later.
One time at the beach some young women walked by us in bikinis and my wife said "I'll never look like that again". To which I replied "neither will they".
One time at the beach some young women walked by us in bikinis and my wife said "I'll never look like that again". To which I replied "neither will they".
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#36
Overheard a comment in a bar between people I worked with.
"Well that's the first time I've ever been insulted by a Welshman"
"Really? You should get out more".
"Well that's the first time I've ever been insulted by a Welshman"
"Really? You should get out more".
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#37
When I was young at a club -1988, I asked a girl if she wanted to dance. She said “I don’t want to dance with you!”
I said, “Why are you being so choosy, I’m not.” And I walked away.
She followed me back to my table and asked if I would dance with her now.
I said, “Why are you being so choosy, I’m not.” And I walked away.
She followed me back to my table and asked if I would dance with her now.
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#38
Someone at work “I’m looking for the biggest idiot to cover my shift”.
Me: “there’s a mirror in the bathroom if you need help”.
Me: “there’s a mirror in the bathroom if you need help”.
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#39
Unfortunately, heard: I wish I could buy what you know and sell what you think you know.
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#40
One of my dad's friends was a legendary wit and this story was told at his funeral.
John was telling a drunken tale at a grownup party that involved him saying something like "...and then we snuck away to..."
His wife, for some reason, interrupted his story for a quick grammar correction, "It's not 'snuck', John, it's 'sneaked'.
Without missing a beat John said, "Well, I'll be feaked."
Everyone cracked up. Not a bad way to be remembered!
John was telling a drunken tale at a grownup party that involved him saying something like "...and then we snuck away to..."
His wife, for some reason, interrupted his story for a quick grammar correction, "It's not 'snuck', John, it's 'sneaked'.
Without missing a beat John said, "Well, I'll be feaked."
Everyone cracked up. Not a bad way to be remembered!
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