49 Responses To Weaponized Incompetence That We Do Suggest You Try At Home

My partner wasn't using weaponized incompetence but I did feel like the brunt of the cleaning/planning started falling onto me. We just have different cleanliness levels ig. I've never yelled at him for it but I did this:

One day I was cleaning while he was playing video games. He stopped and asked what he could clean. I didn't want to do the mental load to create a chore list for him like he was five, so I said: If you find something dirty clean it :) Now he cleans just as well as me - if not more sometimes. Things I don't even notice.

I brought home groceries one day and left them on the counter. He asked what he should do with them. I said I don't know. He eventually put them away [quite organized too]. He even organized the pantry which I follow too.

I was busy after starting a new job and couldn't wash the dishes for a few days. They piled up. He offered to clean them when he got back from work. And you know what? I let him. He forgot and the dishes sat for days afterwards while he played video games + worked, but I held him to his word and he eventually got around to them after a week. Now when he offers to do something he's on it right away.

Whenever he asks if I'm unhappy with the chore distribution I say no, but if I ever am I'll just move out and have my own place. He then asked what if we get married. I said just because we're married doesn't mean we have to live together. I think at that moment it dawned on him that I would never be his maid and he will never truly "own" me or my time.

After that he started becoming more independent and cleaned just as much as me. Our house is spotless now loll and we both thank each other whenever we see each other cleaning / cooking / etc. It definitely feels more like a team effort and whenever he cleans he's actually cleaning and not doing a "favour" for me ykwim.

I don't even bother putting myself through the process of trying to get them to do something. If they say they can't cook or clean, I tell them that's fine, but they need to bring something else to the table that will make up for what they won't do, because I'm not going to be taken advantage of here.

Can't cook? Then they get a couple of choices: give me the money to pay for groceries to cook, clean up the kitchen and dishes after I'm done cooking, or go buy take out for us. Can't clean? They can go hire a cleaning service because I'm not cleaning up after them. I give them cheap paper cups and plates to use if they're not willing to chip in on dish washing.

Most men I tell this to leave because they don't want to help in any shape or form, lol. Which is fine with me. I've only ever had one man I dated who was very good with cleaning, but he really hated cooking. We made it a deal where I would handle all the groceries, cooking, or buying take out for us as long as he'd clean up the kitchen and dishes after me, which he always did. One of the best relationships ever.

If they don’t get it through reasoning and you telling them at the beginning, they never will

They either care, or they don’t — nagging and hoping does nothing.

I was a preschool teacher for awhile and when my partner couldn’t (wouldn’t) find things, magically forgot how to basic tasks, etc. I would preschool them really blatantly.

“Oh no! Did we forget our finding words?! Behind the book means the book is in front and object is in back! Let’s try it right now!”

“Oh no! Did we forget what IN means? Let’s try right now by putting our dishes IN the dishwasher! Ah ah ah catch that bubble! We don’t complain about clean up time!”

He was also a preschool teacher so it was extra shameful for him but he only tried that stuff once before remembering his finding words and how to load the dishwasher.

My ex would get so loud and aggressive when I pointed out he had been in the military and knew how to fold laundry. He would purposefully cook badly and break glasses and load the dishwasher with cups sitting upright and dishes crammed in too close together. He didn't work either, so any time I demanded of him came out of his gaming time and he was deeply resentful of that. He even stopped spending time with my family because I refused to see his father again after he groped me.

There was no "fixing" that. I tried to gently urge him into therapy. I tried to help him with his VA benefits for disability. I tried to encourage him to spend time with his friends when he started getting reclusive and he refused to go out with me anywhere. It would always end with him shouting and posturing, and then he cheated on me.

My boyfriend now was a whole adult before I ever met him. He cooks, he washes dishes, he does laundry, all without being asked to. If he cooks, I wash dishes and vice versa. He actually got bashful the first time I washed clothes for him and handed them to him folded.

Some people just weren't raised right. Some people have no motivation to improve themselves.

Unfortunately I didn't deal with that very well with my ex. I just started doing everything, and it was gradual over the years so I didn't fully realize how bad it was.

My current partner makes the bed, notices when dishes or laundry needs to be done and then does it himself, picks up when he sees things out of place, etc. It's so amazing, but it's actually what any normal responsible adult really should be doing.

"When you ___, I feel ___, I wanted to feel ___. If you keep doing ___, I will ____."

"When you state you are unable to utilize groceries in order to cook meals, I feel betrayed, used, and disgusted. In my relationships, I want to feel admiration, teamwork, and growth.

If you keep hiding behind feigned incompetence, I will assume your longterm plan is simply to extract extra labor from me to benefit yourself, and I will leave you.

There are literally thousands of books and shows that educate people on cooking and household management. Your refusal to seek education and do your fair share is frankly disgusting.

If you were actually incompetent, you would urgently try to learn so you don't embarrass yourself like this. Thats why it's clear that your plan is to extract unfair labor from me. A fair person would make a trade instead of playing dumb.".

I think the best way to tackle this is to remove them from your life. Of course, it's harder when you're married with children. But there's never gonna be a moment of epiphany for these guys. They will not change and become better.
Saying this as someone who was married to a man who never picked up after himself but was quick to pick fights.

A coworker once casually asked me about my lunch and I said I was reheating leftovers from something nice my husband had made the night before (I don't remember what it was, but it's not relevant, probably some kind of curry). She asked if it was a special occasion, and I said no, I work during the day and he works nights, so he makes dinner almost every day because he's home, then I don't have to rush to put something together and he can eat before he leaves.

When I tell you, she looked *flabbergasted*. Even one of our male coworkers commented that he rarely cooks at home because he "doesn't really know how", and I barely stopped myself from saying "wow, that must suck for your wife"

My ex didn't cook at all and in fact the one time I asked him to start some rice-a-roni, he didn't read the box and just dumped all the ingredients in a pan, then shrugged when I asked him how he messed it up that bad. Dude also didn't do his own laundry, take out trash or, you know, clean anything else. He'd mastered weaponized incompetence to the point that I knew before asking that I'd regret it, and just stopped. I wasn't going to do that again, and my next boyfriend was actually willing to do things that needed done, and learn to do new things if he didn't already know how. I married that one, which I'm glad for because apparently not being a manipulative, lazy POS is rare.

I matched his energy, he hated it, I moved out and he got to live in the trash heap he created because I stopped cleaning up after him for the last 6 months of our relationship, he had no clean clothes, no clean dishes, bins overflowing, a gaming room that looked like a landfill, black mould (he wouldn't let me open windows) and the cherry ontop, he blocked both the bathtub and toilet, it was a rental he inherited the tenancy from his late mother who was a hoarder and he already had 2 threats of eviction at that point.

If you see weaponised incompetence tendencies, RUN!

My Dad told me he didn't know how to do the dishes when I was a kid and I didn't know what weaponized incompetence was so I genuinely believed it. I offered to teach him classes until he got it. He screamed that he wasn't an idiot, he did know. I was sooooo confused why he would say that then. He tried it a couple of years later with closing the toilet lid and I again believed him and asked my Mom to take him to the hospital to get his brain checked out and he admitted he was lying to not do tasks. He never tried it again with me.

I've never had a partner do weaponized incompetence but I plan to do the same as I did to my Dad.

I married an adult who had been feeding himself and keeping his apartment clean on his own for quite a while. He was just happy to have someone do half the chores!

I just say I believe in you.

Usually it’s something like this.

Incompetent person: I don’t know how to do this!
You: if you go here and do this. [Short demo]
IP: Can’t you do it for me?
You: I believe in you!

I don’t mind showing or giving suggestions but I’m not just going to do it all for you.

I said "I deserve a clean house and uncomplicated life. Either i can clean it alone in my own house or you take responsibility for your own stuff by listing what you think is and isn't your responsibility and WHEN it should be done. But I will not drag you kicking and screaming into adulthood and healthy partnership. ".

I don’t think this is really weaponized incompetence, more like “outsourcing his critical thinking.” But anyway I feel bad about this in retrospect lol. Recently my husband was putting away laundry while I was doing the dishes. Finally, he ends up with 3 pairs of jeans and he doesn’t know whose is whose.

For reference, it’s just me and my husband. We’re similar in size, but not in height.

For whatever reason, he decided instead of trying to figure it out, he just left all 3 pairs out for me to tell him which was which.

I basically laughed in his face 🫣😭

Like what do you mean???? Look at the brands! Look at the sizes! Look at the lengths! You don’t know what your own pants look like?

2 of the 3 ended up being his! Still baffled how he couldn’t tell at a glance. It’s not like we’re rich or big into fashion. He probably has less than 5 pairs of jeans total!

Generally he’s so great, I usually just tell him I trust his judgement or to ask around/the internet. Not sure I recommend laughing hahaha. But it worked!

Divorce. Breakup. Block.

I flip it on him every time. If I ask him to boil pasta and he asks for help or how to do something, I will say, “are you asking me to make the pasta?” Or “which part don’t you understand?” But not in a mean or snide way. Just very neutral. And it usually makes him do whatever I originally asked.

I have stopped giving them access to waste my time. No need to date an incompetent, and I sure as hell won’t have one living in my house. 

There is one of them in my circle who likes to sluff off his parenting responsibilities by ignoring his kids and letting others pick up the slack; I deal with him by refusing to spend time with him if his kids are there and his wife is not.

I make them answer a question so they have to admit their incompetence out loud or figure it out. Had one guy tell me he didn’t know if he could make a box of Mac and cheese but that he’d try. So I said “you’re telling me you have never made a box of Mac and cheese? Or that you’re incapable of reading the instructions and following the 4 steps with pictures on the box?” And then I am silent while maintaining eye contact and 9 times out of 10 they’ll backtrack and figure it out.

I don't allow it. I watched my dad do that with my mom and resented the way he treated her.
My now husband doesn't do the whole weaponized incompetence bit, and early on in dating I had a conversation with him about the fact that I don't tolerate it.

He's Swedish, so men are a little less likely to use weaponized incompetence. It's not as tolerated in Sweden. Not that there aren't Swedish men who do it, but I've seen way less of them versus American guys.

Hubby makes all our date night plans, cooks, cleans, etc. I never had to nag, or double check him, nothing.