64 Two-Sentence Jokes That Get Straight To The Funny Part

I always clean off my plate no matter how full I am.

I have no problem with letting food go to waist.

"Your sister will survive, but only if you give her your liver" said my mother.

"Fine by me, I hate the stuff" I said, shovelling it onto her plate.

I bumped into my old school French teacher yesterday, she asked how I've been all these years

I said I like to go to the cinema with my brother and I live in a house with four windows.

My sister's boyfriend told her she "almost looked like a man" in her suit.

She said the same to him.

I refused the wagyu beef after learning how the cows were pampered by receiving massages and being fed beer.

I just couldn't bring myself to eat such spoiled meat.

I am sick and tired of this stupid stereotype that us Irish people are all raging alcoholics

And the minute my hangover is gone, I will give a compelling argument to further my case.

It began raining cats and dogs outside.

Then I stepped in a poodle.

"I'm afraid I have bad news," said the doctor.

"You're going to diet."

The demon pointed at my belly, swollen with twins, and cackled, “I’ll take one of the little ones inside you as payment for our deal.”

So I sold him a single gut bacterium for a million dollars and wished it luck in eternal hellfire.

The cursed prince could only be saved by true love's kiss, and so thirty-seven princesses tried.

In the end, it was the stable boy's kiss that broke the curse, and all everyone could do was act all surprised.

I could see the look of horror pass over my boyfriend's face as I slid the knife in

He had managed to undercook the chicken yet again.

If I fall asleep again at work my boss said i’d get fired

Then he assigned me to doing the sheep inventory.

My wife was furious when she walked in on me beating our daughter

It's my daughters own fault for challenging me to a game of monopoly.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books.

He only had his shelf to blame.

I had no idea why my boss and co workers kept trying not to laugh during our zoom meeting

After the meeting ended I turned around to see that my four year old daughter had included my adult toy as one of the guests at her dolls dinner party.

“You will be gone in seven days,” hissed the voice on the phone.

“So now would be an excellent time to discuss upgrading your life insurance with Prudential...”

"No one has ever tried to sell their soul to me before," said God.

"I already offered it to the Devil, but I hoped maybe I could get a better deal from you."

"Just let me beat this boss first!" I shouted after I got caught playing games at work.

After punching Mr. Johnson in the face, I sat back down, put my headphones back on and said "sorry bout that, I'm back now".

LPT: If you're in the woods and get attacked by a bear, pretend to be gone.

It'll be great practice for when you're gone a few minutes later.

Penelope from Homer's Odyssey really had 108 suitors trying to get with her only to get access to the throne.

Nobody loved her.