Stand-up Comedy Jokes For Comedians By Comedians That Don’t Disappoint

“With kids it’s so funny because they’re not strong enough to kill you. But they want to kill you so bad.” — Tina Fey

“If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is. They don’t love you back.’ — Chelsea Peretti

“I’m good at hello, I’m not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. Every time I say goodbye I sound like an idiot. You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you’re on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation. ‘Of course I’ll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I’ll say a few words… Byeeeeee!’ Why am I doing that?” - Michael McIntyre’s

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

“It’s unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes… this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it’s a level playing field. ‘I don’t care when you arrived, I’m getting on this train’.” - Michael McIntyre’s

“Gamblers Anonymous: how do they know where to send your winnings?” — Harry Hill

“If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.” — Lewis Black

“You don’t get that much fun when you’re an adult, do you? The most fun we get is revolving doors.” - Michael McIntyre’s

“It’s never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say, ‘I’m from London’ people go, ‘Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts, where abouts exactly, where abouts?’ ‘Uh… North London.’ If they know it they get more excited. ‘Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts?’ ‘Muswell Hill’ ‘Where abouts? Where abouts?!’ ‘Do you know Sainsbury’s?’ ‘Yeeeeeeessssssssss!'” - Michael McIntyre’s

“You can’t be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You get on on the morning and every single person is reading the Metro. Everyone, everyone. Why doesn’t one person just read it to the carriage?” — Michael McIntyre

“I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for 'flu'. So I went, and I got it.” - Tommy Cooper

“There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.” — Chelsea Handler

“People have absolutely no idea how to access water from modern taps. You have lines of people doing tai chi trying to work it out.” - Michael McIntyre’s

“I went to a stand up about mountain climbing. I was skeptical at first but, I have to admit when the routine reached its peak there was some high level jokes.”

“My wife, she’s carrying our first child. He’s eight, the lazy little…” — Lee Mack

“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’” — Lee Mack

“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’. She said ‘question number 1: have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.'” — Lee Mack

“Two blind fellows walk into a wall.” — Lee Mack

“I went to see a handwriting expert last week, she could tell I was laid-back, gullible and well-off just from a signature on a cheque.” — Lee Mack

“We had a bite to eat around the corner. Horse and Hounds – I won’t be ordering that again.” — Lee Mack