192 Things People Don’t Realise You’re Doing Because Of Your Depression

Two things:

I write and publish a lot, and make money at it. True, I need a creative outlet, and also true, I make money... but I write because I would rather live in a fictional universe than the real one. I wake up every day disappointed that I'm not dead. Escapism has always been my drug of choice.

I apologize for everything, even things that couldn't conceivably be my fault. I feel so bad for inflicting my existence upon other people that I compulsively apologize for anything, when I'm really apologizing for being alive.

Becoming so depressed I lose my mind for a bit and take out my frustration from life on the people I love the most. I don't have many people I trust or care for. It's causing me to lose the people I love and eventually they get replaced, like a never ending cycle. I'm losing the man I love because of this, and I hate myself so much. It kills my will, each time I break, to even go on with life more and more. Already been in the hospital 2 times for suicide prevention this year alone and about to go back yet again because of all this.

I get really irritable from my depression around family and spend hours in my room instead of coming out to play a "family game''. Also, showering and brushing my teeth. My parents don't understand that it's hard for me and frequently call my poor habits disgusting.

I'm better now that I'm older (70), but so many many times throughout my life I have been deeply depressed, isolated, and even though there were options available to me - therapy, medications, friends - I often could not bring myself to ask for help, because the things that bothered me seemed so trivial and numerous that I felt no one could believe I was allowing such things stop me from living. My IQ was 145, but I couldn't seem to get beyond getting dressed and going out the door.

I died when my husband died

People probably think I’m lazy. The good part is I don’t/can’t seem to care; the problem is me thinking I’m just lazy. Many other people deal with this; I’m not special. Sometimes I want to talk about it, but I feel like I’m just making excuses for myself or seeking attention. It’s a downward spiral with no good way out.

Sometimes my head spins so fast and has so many thoughts going through it at once, I become paralyzed. I can't think or move.

Overthinking and getting lost in conversation with someone, not because u don't care but because u get used to feeling numb, not listening or speaking too much out loud. Thoughts and feelings become connected and alot of the time u feel like a negative person, like there is a devil on each shoulder and only 1 long dark path ahead...

I've given up trying. Everything is overwhelming. Some people can 'take a shower.' For me it means finding the will to do it. Finding something clean to put on. Remembering I've neglected the laundry. Hunting for a clean towel. Knowing I'll have to face myself naked. Feeling so unsteady that I'm going to fall every time I turn around to rinse my hair. Drying off and needing to put on lotion because my skin is burning with dryness but I don't want to physically touch myself. My body disgusts me. I just want to cover myself back up, climb back in to my safe chair - where I pretty much live - and cover myself in a pile of blankets and fall asleep. Between mental and physical effort it's taken me at least 2 hours. I'm filled with a sense of failure that all I can manage in a day is to clean myself. I wish I could just 'take a shower.'

I guess this is why I can't seem to take a shower without much prompting and even 12 hours sleep isn't enough and I don' have the energy to talk on the phone unless I am laying down. I take a tranquilizer. I didn't realize that I should take the second pill the doctor said was allowed. Thanks for posting this.

Waking up every morning with that pit in my stomach knowing that today is going to be just like every other day; putting a smile on my face and fooling everyone into thinking everything is ok and that I’m a positive person.
Feeling like a burden in everyone’s life. Wondering if the real reason people hang out with me is because they feel sorry for me or they don’t want to hurt my feelings. Wondering if people just get sick of me.
Constantly “bothering” people with my anxieties and my worries and my insecurities and my fears.
Apologizing and feeling bad for every little thing I do, even if it’s minuscule or nothing at all.
Reading into every little detail of conversation and over analyzing everything that is said to me, through text or in person, trying to figure out what I did wrong or what the person is really trying to tell me. I take everything the wrong way.
Constantly feeling like a failure. Like I’m never going to be smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough. I will never be enough for somebody and most everybody.
Hating how my brain just doesn’t shut off. It’s running through every situation of the day and trying to dissect what I did wrong and what I could have done better.
And no matter what, no matter how good something is, waiting for something bad to happen. Waiting for something to come in (me) and screw everything up.

If I'm not at work, I just sleep. When I'm at work all I want to do is sleep. Sleep is a place that's safe from my thoughts.

Constantly feeling like your a fake at school because you smile and laugh along with your so called "friends" that don't even know the real you. They tease you about how many days of school you missed when they don't even realize how hard it is for me to even get up in the morning,shower,dress,and get to school on time.

Answering “I’m fine” to anyone asking how you’re doing on autopilot. I hate this question. When people ask if I’m ok, I pretty much have to answer with a lie because if I were to answer honestly all the shit I feel people would run away screaming. People don’t actually wanna know an honest answer.

At one point I had a therapist that at every weekly meeting would ask how my week was. At one point I came in really distressed and spent the first 10 minutes crying about all the shit that happened. When I calmed down she asked me the usual question of how my week had been and I automatically without thinking answered “it was fine”. That’s how ingrained it was. I managed to pass it off as a joke though.

The only person I would ever answer honestly was my mom. But more and more she would just make me feel guilty for telling the truth. The other day one of my pets died when I was away. Once I stopped crying and was lying in bed she came in and asked if I was ok. I answered I’m fine. I only realized later what I had said. It destroyed me when I realized that the only person I though I could trust and be honest with had made me feel like she was so tired of me that I automatically answered her with a lie just like everyone else.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone. I’ve lost my trust in everyone.

A friend of mine is diagnosed with the same mental disorders that I am diagnosed with. She puts herself on a pedestal and explains to everyone that will listen that she deserves whatever it is, because things are tough for her. Because of her mental illness, she cannot hold a "regular job". She can't be respectful and/or considerate of others and their perspectives/thoughts/feelings. She throws huge year-long pitty parties and embeds herself in whatever drama she can find. Excuse me, I have this diagnosis too. Yet, I have an adult job. An adult place to live with my adult responsibilities. Yes, I struggle, hard core. But I do not use it as an excuse, ever. I would KILL to be able to stay in bed all day. That would feel amazing. Unfortunately, I live in the real-world that makes me work for money. I have doctor's appointments. I have bills. I work on myself more than I ever thought was possible. Now, people think I am "normal". Mid-class, white, female that lives in a rich neighborhood, come from a stable home. Bi-polar/non-existent mother, PSTD/workaholic father. I wrote the book on neglectful parenting and I STILL WORK MY BUTT OFF TO AFFORD MY TINY ONE BEDROOM APT. Please, tell me again how I don't know what I am talking about.

I get flighty when I'm depressed about work. The slightest thing would cause me to want to quit my job. Even now that I have a job I love, it's a struggle with my "Fight or Flight" mentality. Even if I feel like everything is going great, if something I don't like comes up (i.e. not making enough money), I start getting antsy to move on. Seeing a counselor helped me tame this a lot, but I still have that constant struggle. My counselor helped me realize that, while this is largely due to depression - there is also a significant part of it, that is a result of growing up in a home where my dad moved and switched jobs a lot. We had many great experiences growing up from the different places we traveled and lived, but I can see how that affected my parents' marriage and if I didn't make significant changes in my life, would ultimately set the same trend in my marriage.

When my kids were younger it was easier to hide. They are teens and young adults now and they don't get it. Their friends think I am cool and easy going, always enjoy my house to hang out at. Reality is I can't fight anymore. I hope they got enough raising because I am done. I have a fantastic hubby who just "fills" in when I head into my cycle of depression, I am really good at preparing by stocking the house, prepaying bills and arranging my schedule to affect them as little as possible. But that is all the life I have now. I wake up, get them to school, race through chores and errands, grab take out lunch, and nap until they get home. Make supper, or order in, and back to bed to watch stupid reality shows. I am past exhausted all the time, and I know that I will pay if I expend the little energy I have. A 5 minute school visit costs an afternoon at least. By the time I am home all I can do is lie down and let the obsessive thoughts fly until my mind shuts off and I sleep. Not restorative sleep, but deep deep paralyzing sleep that just makes me more exhausted and less able to do what is necessary.

I cant sleep even if I am exhausted. Fall asleep late wake up early so now I am working everyday just to stay away from going home.

I don't go to sleep until 2 or 3am. I sit on the couch and think of everything I need to do before I can get into bed: take my dishes to the sink, shower, brush and floss, unplug my computer, put my daughter in her own bed. OCD on top of depression and anxiety makes things even worse.

I had a really bad depressive episode in July. (My therapist says that in the old days, it would have been called a nervous breakdown.) It felt like everything was crashing down around me and it would never get better. I learned that if you leave a message with my PCP and use the word hopeless, they get right back to you. I’d been taking the same antidepressants for almost 15 years, so he sent me to a psychopharmacology specialist, put me on a different combo of antidepressants and added an anti anxiety med, for my previously undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Slowly but surely, I’m becoming me again. I was afraid I had early onset dementia, but my cognitive abilities are returning to the way I was 20 years ago. I guess I would say not to underestimate the importance of properly prescribed mood meds. (In addition to a great therapist.)