Think of a comeback as a holy grail of enviable wit, ultrasonic reaction and perfect timing combined at once. If it’s good, it sizzles the person like a Sunday barbecue, stripping them down to the bone where all their initial coolness has evaporated.
But it’s easier said than done. You see, making a clapback is somewhat of a form of art and we'd better learn from the best ones. So when someone asked “What’s the most memorable comeback you’ve heard in your life?” on r/AskReddit, we knew it was time to take the notebooks out.
2.6k comments later, we have some of the best responses from people who were lucky to witness a master comeback. Oh, that sweet feeling knowing you weren’t the target...
#41
Worked in a preschool years ago. Had this one kid who could be a real booger sometimes. Giving the other kids thumbs down, saying he didn't like them, absolutely devastating to the other kids. I was constantly hearing "Miss Bells, Isaac said he didn't like me!"
Then, Isaac made a fatal mistake. He tried it on a three year old girl.
Isaac: I don't like you!
Three Year Old: Well, my mommy LIKES me!
Shut him right up.
It was absolutely gorgeous and a little vicarious victory. The three year old was super sassy.
Maybe not as snappy as the other responses here, but I still chuckle at it to this day.
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160points
#42
"I have neither the crayons, nor the time to explain it to you"
158points
#43
My BIL made a joke about paying a doctor a couple bucks to add the “husband stitch.”
My SIL said “too bad we couldn’t afford to pay him to add the extra inches you need.”
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157points
#44
I had a co-worker who was a bit of a bully. He was an alumnus of William and Mary and wouldn't shut up about it. (We worked with plenty of people who went to better colleges than that, but nobody else was as obnoxious as this guy.) His daughter got into UVA, and I congratulated him because "it's every parent's dream that their kid does just a little bit better than they did."
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156points
#45
For some background, I’m gay. I decided to wear nail polish to school a while back and in my foods class I was washing dishes when another (straight, kind of a jerk) guy walks up to me and says “Oh… I’m sure you’ll have all the guys fawning of you” so I responded “I wish” and his expression was priceless. After the fact I told this to my friends and my best friend (who is lesbian) says that I should have said “Why, are you interested?”
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154points
#46
My own. A much shorter co-worker walked up to the desk, with two cute women, one on each arm, smiling at me, and said, "Jealous?".
I replied, "No, I never wanted to be short'. His face dropped, and the girls snickered.
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141points
#47
When I was working as a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on.
One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him
"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a c*nt".
He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.
136points
#48
This was my mom. (My mom is a very sweet woman who loves all of us kids but also loves to joke around with us so this might sound mean but it's not and was a joke so please no rude comments about it. We were all old enough to know it was a joke. She the kind of woman who will be brought to tears from someone hitting her car then blaming her instead of standing up for herself.)
Now, I have two younger siblings, a sister and the youngest, a brother. Anyway, when we were younger my brother, who was in the annoying, no filter I'm going to say what I want, teen phase would tease my sister. (He too is not a bad guy now, but was a little brat at that age and will admit it. He would be the first, even at that age to knock a kid down for teasing any of his older sisters. Only he is allowed to lol).
This time they were going at it and he was teasing her about how she was the 'mistake' child and wasn't planned, etc. And she would retort that FedEx dropped him off. It was actually very funny to watch. My brother though was taking things a little too far and it was no longer funny but annoying to my sister when my mom came down, already over the constant fighting with them, and with a completely straight face pointed at me first, then my sister, than him, while saying about each of us.
"No, she was a surprise, she was unplanned, you were the mistake." and then calmly walked off to the kitchen to get a drink. My dad poked his head around the corned from the computer just stunned with his mouth open and about to laugh, my sister just died, my brother who couldn't help but smile also had to try and save himself from that savage burn but it was too late.
Best. Burn. Ever.
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131points
#49
I observed this walking to the men’s room at a bar in Nashville.
A legitimately cross-eyed man exiting the bathroom while someone else was walking in and they bumped into each other. It wasn’t anything serious. But it still lead to this exchange:
Cross-eyed man: Watch where you’re going! Non-Cross-eyed man: Go where you’re watching!
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127points
#50
"I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth!"
"B**ch, if I was the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in line!"
113points