“What’s The Most Memorable Comeback You've Heard In Your Life?”: 50 People Share Witty Stories

One of my favorites is one I told my sister.

Her: If I had a nickel for every time you swore, I would be a millionaire.

Me: If I had a nickel for every time you pissed me off I would put them in a bag and hit you with it.

My mom spit out her drink from laughing.

5th-grader on the playground, to a kindergartener: "Santa's not real!"

Kindergartner to 5th grader: "Santa's real, he brings me presents every year. If he doesnt bring you presents, maybe you should think about why."

At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lip stick.” I f**king laughed and so did the guys buddies. He was so shook.

This one came from me. I was 7 months pregnant and HUGE. While heading to my car some random dude stopped me and rubbed my stomach while asking when I was due.

I rubbed his stomach and asked him when he was due.

My 3 year old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: I’m THREE!

Me: Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old??

Niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: Actually, I’m kind of new.

It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.

I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.

I used the line from the movie Iron Eagle once on a bully at school that actually seemed to help. Using the kids name when he shoved me against some lockers I said so everyone in the hallway could hear:

“What’s your problem, Rory? Can’t you get through a single day without proving what an as**ole you are?”

He stammered and shrugged and walked always and never really bothered me again.

My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get you a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they're little, and it's a pain in the ass for everyone, including the kids. They don't always want the attention.

Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls. One of the girls is very much a people person, and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn't up for that, so she wasn't really participating.

This lady got ticked about that and told our introvert kid "Your sister is so much prettier than you are." Without missing a beat, my tiny little badass looked that b*tch dead in the eyes and said "And you're so much fatter than my sister is, too."

My boyfriend managed to get the cart on to the next aisle before laughing his ass off.

I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry. He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about . But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said if you’re so smart then why the hell are we both doing the same job? He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterwards for having said it.

Regrettably, a secondhand telling. One of my favorite bars in Chicago (Galway Bay) has several Irish bartenders, and gets its fair share of tourists. At the earliest hint of an Irish accent, this particular tourist can't resist... "I've been to Ireland. Amazing place. What part of Ireland are you from?"

Bartender - "I'm from (wherever), but I've moved around a bit"

Tourist - "My great grandfather was from (somewhere place unrelated to bartender's hometown). He was a farrier. Do you know what a farrier is?"

B - "Aye, they shoe horses" [a bit agitated at the dull conversation]

T - "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

B - "Never shooed a horse, but I've told a donkey to f**k off once."

This will get buried, but after 2 weeks of a blockhead coming in late in high school, the teacher openly warns him in front of the class “I’m going to mark you truant if you’re late again.” So he goes “what does that mean?” And my quiet ass pops up and says “it means you’re late and also need a dictionary” and I had the whole class going, teacher popped a smirk. I am still proud.

I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother's room.

Her response: "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your own hand"

For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common

I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack talking talents.

The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody's legs. Mr Smack Talker spouted out the comment that "hair don't grow on dead things." All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.

Somewhere on this planet, there is a tree that has spent it's entire life creating the oxygen you breathe. You should find that tree and apologize.

"Your mom's a wh*re!"

"AND YOUR DAD'S A CUSTOMER!"

Funniest s**t I've ever heard.

A kid in high school tried to insult me by pointing out my long hair. "Yo guy, you have long-a*s hair". I proceeded to follow him around asking him how he knew about my long ass hairs. He quickly started backtracking and saying he was not gay.

We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. Kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told this girl who had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth. She retorted, “At least people like when I open my mouth!” Entire class lost their s**t including the teacher.

Bully: You're a piece of s**t

Kid that was get bullied: and you're the rest of it

Ps: No one really liked this kid but after this he got mad respect.

Old mans response to Hipster calling him a 'Boomer ars*hole'........

'If it weren't for ar*eholes like me, sh*t like you wouldn't exist'.

“What are you even doing?”

“Minding my own f**king business, you should try it sometime.”

It was one of those moments where everyone around heard it and went, “ooooohhhh…” at the same time, and it has always stuck with me.