Father Of 4 Daughters Refuses To Sugarcoat His Instagram Pics, Has A Massive Following Online (New Pics)

"T'is the season to be jolly.....however t'is also the season for children to pick up some rank virus, bring it home & transform our house into a large industrial grade petri dish, where that bacteria multiples quicker than a boat load of bored rabbits that have been fed on nothing but Viagra for a month. Armed with our universal 'sick kid' kit of a large kitchen bowl, enough calpol to be classified as an independent pharmaceutical company & several damp clothes, for the last 2 nights clemmie & I have been a nocturnal tag team to adjudicate a competition between the twins to see who can produce the most "Christmas spirit", otherwise known as vomit. It's Ho ho ho-irrble. Anyone else knee deep in bile at the moment? (fyi clemmie's the one doing the graft as I have still managed to retained the ability from back in the baby days to sleep through the whole thing & wake to proclaim "I think they're better - last night went ok didn't it?!" No wonder I was asked to take the day off today."

"if there’s one positive I can take from this lock down, it’s that it’s forced grandparents all over the world to pick up that black rectangular paper weight that occasionally makes noises (i.e. their phone) and to get to grips with technology.
We've endured a lot of “whats my user name again?”, “oh, which camera do I look at?”, “what’s all this writing on the screen now?”, “who’s Janet? She’s calling me. Is That Janet from book club? ” and “can you hear me now?” but we’ve persevered and for the last 3 nights the girls have had their grandparents read them bed time stories via Skype & they've loved it - it's just like having a real life audio book, just with a conversation about the weather and how empty the shops are thrown in for good measure. Perhaps I can get a whole bank of tech savvy grandparents lined up and make a business out of this & call it 'Grandparent in my pocket: the slightly confused book reading app' ...mmm, on second thoughts, the tech support alone would bankrupt me as resetting a password when you're over 70 seems to involve at least 5 Loud phone calls and a lengthy email about the 'poor state of customer services these days' ....still, the girls are loving this nightly fix so at least there's that! "

"As everyone knows, it's not the size that matters, it's what you do with it that counts. But try telling that to 4 year olds as the struggle to drag construction grade timber they can barely lift, back from the woods. With every trip there's a new branch that gets named and now, because they've humanised it, it simply can't be left behind, despite being perfectly happy in its natural environment.  And what happens when this humanitarian aid mission to rescue Mr woodface is complete & we arrive home? He lies in hall, get ripped to shreds by the dog and then chucked in the garden, left to spend the rest of his days decomposing days next to pile of other unfortunate "recscuees". I'm pretty sure we're single handedly contributing to the deforestation of South East England."

"Forget the spinal compression I suffered from the 4 seperate times I had to give shoulder rides to each daughter so they could each say THEY put the star on the tree.
Forget the accidentally smashed baubles and the thin coating of microscopic glass on the floor, waiting to rip my feet to shreds.
Forget the Micheal Buble festive audio assault we annually force ourselves to endure whilst we decorate.
Forget the ensuing arguements over branch real estate and criticisms of how I failed to evenly distribute the lights even though I know I nailed it. .
Forget it all, because for 30 seconds I got to stand back and see a rare scene - all the girls in my life working in harmony without trying to kill eachother. It's a true Christmas miracle."

"If you're just joining us in the strictest level of lockdown , welcome! I'm sure you've all been suffering from FOMO, but don't worry, you haven't missed much. Pretty much the only thing we can do now is go for ever increasingly long walks to stop everyone killing eachother, but as every parent knows, it's important to plan for all eventualities and reduce the risk of whining tired kids with short legs. As a result we actually had this stupid conversation / plan before setting off.

 'Let's go for a long coastal walk over the next town - it's about 12km there & back. '

Ok, but that's quite far, will the kids make it without scooters?'

'They'll be fine. But just in case we should have a Back up plan'.

'Ok how about this. You drive to the destination in one car. I'll follow with the kids in the car because we can't leave them home alone. You then jump in our car and we'll drivego back home, leaving one car there. That way of we get there after the walk and their too shattered to walk back, we can just drive home.'

That's 3 journeys for 1 6km walk - that's stupid. Can't we just get a taxi back? 

'Oh yeah - or would could just get a taxi'.

In the end, they were too tired to walk back, but the taxi wouldn't take us all, so guess who had to walk home with the dog in the rain? Yup, me. And it was the best 90 minutes of the day."

"Have you ever stopped to listen the insane games your kids make up when they're playing? I have and it's weird. You know what else is weird? Dolls. Dolls are weird. And Dolls strapped to the front of scooters like some long distance truck driver are weirder still.  Infact, Twins are a bit odd. Combine that all with the imagination of children that seem to have one shared mind and it all gets very 'Fear and loathing in Las Vegas' The girls were playing a game of 'dads and brothers' (for some reason they've banned all females from their imagination) then Ottie started shouting "NO BROTHER!" right in the dolls face - "Do that again and you'll go in the hole!" Turns out that despite not having a basis grasp of language or working vocal cords, the doll (brother) had said something mean to dad (Delilah) and it was deemed that the appropriate response what to bury her alive in the garden to teach her a lesson. Very kill Bill. Not sure it reflects well on my parenting though."

"Family. That's what life is all about - At least for me. I hadn't see my parents or hugged them in over a year so finally getting to spend time with them over the half-term filled my heart with the kind of warmth you get from a good hot water bottle. And although within 10 minutes of being home, it felt like nothing had changed, the truth is, for my parents lots has, at least when it comes to the grand kids. I've been shacked up with my offspring 24/7 for the best part of year so I don't see the changes, but for my mum and dad, the changes they saw were substantial. The twins are reading and independent noise machines, it's the first time they've seen Marnie since her diagnosis, Anya now looms over my mum like a adolescent shaped shadow and they'd never the newest addition to the family - Myrtle. I think we forget sometimes, a year is a long time and alot can happen, I'm just glad I finally got the catch up with my folks to share it all. If you're infortunate me enough to have your parents around, Call then if you haven't spoken in a while. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you."

"These 4 regularly drive to me to point of wanted to eat my own hands in frustration, they rarely do what I ask without arguing and they've aged me dramatically (the lines on my forehead are so deep, you could plant crops in them). But without these people in my life, I'd be incomplete. So what did I get for all the efforts I plough into fatherhood? A lie in, homemade cards, a hungover bike ride that almost ended me, 4 hours of watching Pixar films on the sofa whilst being sat on by my offspring and served bottomless tea and a Chinese take away for dinner. As Father's Day go, it was a banger. I hope all the other dads out there were suitably spoilt and milked it for it was worth - you deserve it."

"Dearest sleep, you mean so much to me but over the summer I feel like we've drifted apart. We used to enjoy eachothers company & I'd race home after work to embrace you, but something's changed recently & we seem to have less & less time for eachother. Perhaps its the 4.30am musical beds routine we're stuck in that means I get the 6 inches of bed real estate, while the twins lie spread eagle & try their hardest to turn our bedroom into a vaccum chamber by inhale literally all the air through their mouths. Or maybe its juggling work with kids who need more attention than a peacock that's just had his tail feathers highlighted and wants everyone to know about it. It could be the dog in our room that pads around at all hours like a 4 legged intruder & licks any exposed body part that hangs out of the covers. Or maybe it's the frequent 2.30am intrusions from an 8 year that's convinced there's a large cat in her room & refuses to go back to bed without a chaperone. Whatever it is, I'm shattered & I'm miss you. When the holidays are over, please let's be together again. Love always, Simon. Xxx "

"Here's a simple yet effective way to ensure you leave your family holiday bubble abruptly & come screaming back into reality with a massive bump - step 1: get some drunk A-hole in Gatwick to delay your plane by 3 hours (for added fun, only learn this when you arrive at the airport where there's literally bugger all to do) - Step 2: try to entertain your shattered kids in a security pen at the gate for 2 hours with dangerously low tablet batteries. - Step 3: pack absolutely no nappies or spare clothes in your carry on and then have your 2 smallest child wet them themselves while they sleep a hour out from landing - Step 4: experience the M-O-T-H-E-R of all screaming fits as you try to dress them, using your jumper as trousers and a 12 year olds knickers tighten with a hair band. Step 5: land at 3am and wait for luggage for a freaking hour. Step 6: drive home as the sun comes up and carry knackered kids to bed before you finally hit the sack at 5.45am. step 7: be greeted by 3 year olds at 8.45am & start your day only to learn there's no food in the house - the holiday is definitely over!"

"As the months and years pass, the amount of child based accessories you own slowly reduces to the point your house no long resembles a mama and papas distribution facility and you can actually walk around. For the most part, I'm glad all that stuff has gone, but there's one thing I miss sometimes. A buggy. And more importantly, a buggy with restraints. Yes, they're huge and cumbersome, yes take up the entire car boot and yes they are essentially large Petri dishes on wheels where new species feed on discarded rice cakes and pom bears, but back when we were 'with buggy', at least I didn't have to manually carry two sets of tired legs when they simultaneously decide to just stop walking, like they did today. and with a buggy at least you strap them in so you know where they are. Today, they sprinted in opposite directions at warp factor 9 and just disappeared. It was like herding invisible cats on steroids. What accessories do you miss?"

"There’s a little known clause in the parenting contract you signed when you became the owner of a small person that you probably weren’t aware of (after all, who actually reads the small print) but it clearly states in 0.2 sized font that 'under no circumstances are 2 parents are allowed to be unwell at the same time or the world will implode & will become a child run state of anarchy'. Unfortunately that’s the situation we’re in & it sucks – ticking off the list of symptoms like a game of covid bingo that no one wants to win. 'Parenting in treacle' is the best description I can come up with - the big girls are fine remote learning, but twins move from room to room causing havoc like a mob of marauding miniature attention seekers & we can't keep up. Fingers crossed its just a common cold but it’s definitely added a layer of complexity to keeping our shit together. My hats off to any single parents out there who are suffering whilst in isolation – I hope you’re getting the moral support you need – keep smiling & embrace the internet – it might just save your sanity. "

"Let's play 'How to spot a walking cliche / stereotype of a late 30's early 40's male' Bingo and see how many you / your other half ticks off (FYI , I'm all of these and I'm ok with that): has multiple kids with quirky names, constantly refers to travelling experiences / night outs that happened a decade ago, wears vaguely fashionable clothes including turned up trousers, a beanie worn so it doesn't properly cover their ears & trainers that a 20 something might think are cool, always has a 'project' going that takes forever to complete, refers to other people as 'dude or fella', drives a family car that has some 'poke', listens to 6 music because they're all about 'new music', moved out of the city & swears they'd never go back to metropolitan life because "the air and pace of life is nicer now", gets a pet that they were initially against but then finds out it's actually their best friend, has a great idea for a business but doesn't' do anything with it because theu're now risk averse, discovered going out for walks is actually really nice, goes way to hard on a night out because they think they're still 19, feels slightly smug when lockdown happened because they worked from home 3 days a week already, buys sourdough and the papers on the weekend but only reads 1 section, knows enough about multiple subjects to sound intelligent until they meet someone that actually knows stuff and then changes the conversation, still thinks they could have made it as a professional sportsman. 
IM A FULL HOUSE!"

"Have you ever stopped to think about the power your kids could exert over you - how quickly they could topple the status quo - if they just worked together? 
Currently, the only things that bond our girls together beyond the simple fact their siblings is a shared hatred of tomatoes, their loathing of forced family walks and their love of playing Mario kart together. This looks nice doesn't it. But as I sat her watching them, I couldnt help wonder what they could achieve if they combined their strengths, formed a sisterly alliance and decided to just stop listening to the authoritarian powers that control their lives - .i.e. us. With 4 of them, were already heavily out numbered so would be over run in a matter of minutes - They could stage an insurrection before lunch and instill a new regime without much too resistance - if only they knew the potential power they could wield if they just worked together. Let's hope they never figure that out - the day we do, were screwed."

"From my memory of French school exchange trips , French markets revolved around buying bangers, friendship bracelets, combs that looked like flick knives, cheap skull necklaces on black string that turned your neck green and saying "c'est combien?" a lot without really understanding the answer. However, things seem to have changed and my experience differed a little as a 36 year old parent. I now had small humans welded to my shoulders as little legs magically stopped working after 10 paces from the car, the smell of artisan coffee and babyccinos hung thick in the air & despite telling everyone to fill up on the free tasters at the market to avoid a heavy lunch bill, Euros slipped through my fingers quicker than a heavy monopoly losing streak as we stock piled olives & there wasn't a single flick comb or banger in sight - My 13 year old self would be so disappointed, but I know my girls lapped it up - both the coffee and the culture."

"No, despite @mother_of_daughters clothing , this not the triumphant photo taken at end a great Antarctica adventure out on the very edges of human endurance. It's just what we looked like after paying for the priviledge to harvest our own seasonal vegetables in a wet mud covered field along with other drenched families, all hoping to make memories for their kids while carrying grey Instagram friendly pumpkins home that they'll all throw away in a week. The lasting memory that I've come away with - if you want to become a millionaire, start a pumpkin patch and get members of the public to hand over cold hard cash to come to you and pick it all for you. Genius. "

"As the girls have gotten older, I have slowly become the one thing that my 12 year old self hated the most - a parent who shouts too loudly at their kids sports events. I actually banned my parents from coming because it got to the point I would have rather had my head surgically removed & replaced with a chicken than have my mum bellow my name across the field or run on if I got injured - it was so embarrassing that I wanted the ground to swallow me up & leave no trace me or my bruised pride. The problem is, I'm now that parent - that competitive dad that lives vicariously through their offspring and sees a cross country race as an olympics trial. I know it's about the enjoyment of sport & taking part, but my voice box goes into spasm and I blurt out words of personalised encouragement at 120 decibels as perplexed by standers look on & shake their heads. Anyone else struggle with this? Being a proud spectator is a real balancing act I'm still yet to master I guess. "

"They say that, thanks to modern technology, our children's imaginations are rendered as useless as ejection seats in a helicopter. As a kid, I would read the tales from Brambly Hedge by Jill Barklem and lose myself in the incredible illustrations. So to make sure their imaginations are still firing on all cylinders, I decided to embrace technology & shrunk us down to the size of a field mice. (And yes, my 3 year is giving me a piggy back ride, because in your imagination, you can do what the hell you like). Ok my skills aren't as good as @allthatisshe but when I showed the to the twins tonight and said "do you remember this?" ,Delilah replied "yes, of course I do!" She's a terrible liar, but at least it made them (and me) smile. If you could inject yourself into a children's story, which one would it be?"

"And so, after what seems like a lifetime of exhaustive self-funded research, I can today confirm that their is literally no situation or weather condition that children won't eat ice cream in. The lastest experiment was a 4.5 hour of sitting in the car whilst inhaling each others bodily gases on the way to Dorset for a half term break. Despite it being 3 degrees above freezing, horizontal rain cutting our faces, being dive bombed by seasoned sea gulls that prey on tourists and a wind that chilled your bone marrow, ice creams transformative powers made the world into a dairy based utopia. I even saw Delilah trip on the beach while holding her ice cream, but instead of put her hands out to break her all, she barrel rolled out of the it on her forearms to save her cone of frozen goodness. Now that's dedication..."

"Yes, this gets a bit deep, but here me out: Have you ever tried to explain the concept of space and time to a child? In a world where they think breakfast was a life time ago & grandpa is practically a dinosaur, to say that the fossils you're holding are 140 millions years old means literally less than nothing. Then factor in the universe is 13.8 billions years old & that everything you've ever known & will ever know is contained on this small blue ball hurtling through the dark vaccuum of space & time while orbiting around burning balls of gas for eternity, & you've lost them for good. Yet despite their age, fossils have stood the test of time & have left their mark for us to discover. And that got me thinking about us. The lowly human being. we may not last as long as ammonites physically, but the one thing that will out last our physical presence is the memories we create in the minds of the ones we love. So do your best to make those memories happy ones & make them smile at the thought of you. Be infinite. Be star dust. Be the reason their world keeps turning. Be content in who you are & love the ones who love you. I know it's a bit deep, but sometimes it's good to think about this stuff"