Father Of 4 Daughters Refuses To Sugarcoat His Instagram Pics, Has A Massive Following Online (New Pics)

"No this isn't a post safari photo - this is the celebration of Keith - the unsung hero of our family that puts up with us and never complains (everyone names their car right?!). Keith is 10 years old, has a dent in the door when I miss judged a McDonald's drive thru while kids screamed "chicken nuggets!" in my ear and I lost my shit, a missing wing mirror cover that was stolen, an interior that has a thin layer of sticky residue over it that can't be explained & old crisps jammed down his seats that have now grown new species on them, but Keith is also a place where we make memories. Here's to Keith, and every other family car out there. You may not set any land speed records, and you may feel unloved but you are literally what keeps us moving."

"Let's play a game of guess who. Whilst at the garden centre (otherwise known as one of the top places parents take kids for free when they can't be arsed to go too far from home or spend any money - others similar places include airport car parks and pet shops), One twin started a game of rearranging frankly weird cast resin domestic animals into amusing positions, but having obviously not read the memo that stated 'sharing is caring', forcibly stopped her sister from joining in. This slow motion cat fight, which saw plastic squirrel being used as blunt force truma weapons, was promptly broken up by a passing parental referee i.e. me), peace was restored and the other twin then entered the game and copied her sister, right down to the dog she picked, resulting in the games original creator suddenly wanting no association with game she originally developed. Now, which one is which? Actually guessing isn't necessary - the faces tell it all. twin life is no joke. It must be hard loving with a human shadow."

"Has anyone else found getting their kids to eat anything that doesn't come in a brightly coloured wrapper this summer more challenging than tasking a one winged chicken to solve a 24 sided rubiks cube in the dark? Yeah, me too. That's why over the holidays I've been getting them more involved in that magical place where meals just materialise out of thin air and land in front of them, otherwise known as the kitchen. If your kid's involved in the cooking, they're more likely to eat the food, so I've given them 3 specific roles: Prep chef (which involves unpacking everything & hiding stuff like carrots in the dogs bed) quality assurance /food hygiene (eating raw ingredients that have dropped on the floor) & sink pig (washing up), where as my role is to oversee it all, which frankly is pretty simple with @goustocooking. It's all measured out beforehand & the instructions are so easy, a 3 year old sucking on dry pasta could follow them. It's now been 3 months of using gousto and it really has saved by our sanity this summer holiday & I'm sure it will do the same during term time! Click on the link my bio to give it a go with 50% off your first order & 30% off the rest of the month using code 'FOD50' and get a bit of your sanity back in the process. "

"Yet another year rolls by and with it, the amount of scrolling I have to do to find my year of birth when completing internet forms increases. I've now been on this planet for 37 years and although this fleshy shell I'm encased in maybe creaking a little more than it used to & I'm now definitely more salt than pepper in the beard department, internally I feel about 15 and that's largely due to these 4 little women who are the centre of my universe. With Clemmie on a long shift and not home until 11 tonight, it was down to the girls to come up with a party and despite licking all the Icing, handing me cards they'd obviously made 10 minutes before I recieved them, opening my present, blowing out my candles and giving my a spit covered cake as a gift, I think they did a grand job. Happy birthday to me and anyone else out there that shares it with me."

"To my girls,
4 years. 48 months. 2.1m minutes. However you want to say it, you've crammed more new experiences into your brief time on this planet than I have in the last 20 years; & yet you've barely scratched the surface in your pursuit of happiness. A journey in which your personalised collection of moments & memories will coalesce and solidify to form the person you're destined to become. And right now is your sweet spot as your world is free from the complexity we adults create. 
I'm proud that you are comfortable with simply being you and aren't afraid to say things as you see them. I'm jealous that from the moment you wake to the moment you refuse to go to bed, your sole purpose in life is to collect as many smiles as possible & wrap them in the kind of laughter that only comes from true unfiltered joy, the type of laughter that can fade with time unless you exercise it regularly. I'm happy you have the ability to dance with a helium soul, effortless and free from the weight of other peoples opinions. The strength of your character can only be matched by the warmth of your hugs - a hug accompanied with eyes so tightly closed that it makes my heart a little lighter. So as you grow, please try to remember the person you are right now. The untainted version of yourself. The younger you, whose collection of smiles far outweighs their cries. As long as I'm your dad, I'll do my best to ensure the balance stays that way. Love daddy. X"

"There can only be 2 explanation for what's happened recently. Either I died a week ago and, like a low budget remake of Ghost, have subsequently spent my time trapped in limbo, unaware that no one can hear hear or see me, Or I've hit the sweet spot of parental irrelevance - One daughter who's striving for independence, another who's testing the boundaries by the minute & twin 4 year olds who thing it's hilarious to ignore me and run off in opposite directions. Either way, my voice seems to carry less weight than a stick insect on a crash diet and I am just in a rut of being ignored. Anyone got any ideas how to navigate this stage? I've tried the softly approach and taking stuff away, bit it just doesn't seem to do anything - help needed please!"

""But why do we need so many lights daddy?" 

My answer: "because coronavirus has been rubbish this year, so I wanted to make this Christmas really special for you."

The truth : there's a guy down the road who is obviously trying to make his house into a festive light source so bright, it gives the sun a run for it's money and as a result, I'm suffering from an massive inferiority complex. Fuelled by this obsession to not be outdone, daddy succumbed to the '3 for 2' deals on Christmas lights at the local garden centre and now is the proud owner of over 4500 LEDs, meaning our house is now visible from space and will no doubt be used as a homing beacon for extra terrestrial life that fancy a trip to our planet. I now find myself locked in an unofficial illuminations competition with Mr. 'Look how Christmasy I am compared to you' down the road without him even knowing it - a battle where the winner is actually a loser. If we're all eating cold beans directly out of a can in January, it will because our Christmas electricity bill has bankrupted us."

"When does the easy part of parenting kick in? What age are they when you think you've nailed it? Seriously - when? Because I've been waiting for 14 years and although the look and feel of it changes over time, nothing about it is ever straight forward. I know for anyone who's new to the parenting game, this might not be comforting, but I'd go back to the times when I could hold an 8 month old  in one hand while they quietly did a shit in a heart beat if it meant I didnt have to deal with 5 year old twins who either yell my name constantly, argue or just grunt when they don't get what they want and 2 older girls who suddenly become deaf when I ask for help. 
I think the problem is that the older two have figured out that parents are essentially frauds. We don't have all the answers, we make it up as go and our powers to enforce the rules we create are limited, which are all weaknesses to exploit. I'm basically 'parental glass' - they see right through me and know that I'm fragile - as a result, I spend alot of time shouting up to the general direction of their rooms, only to be met with complete silence. Tell me I'm not alone with this experience! I thought having 4 kids would mean more help, but it anything, it's just 4 times as frustrating!"

"There are seemingly so many small milestones we collect along the path of parenthood, that if you could trade them in for air miles, we'd all have a lovely free holiday to the Maldives, with enough left over to take a weekend trip to the moon and back. That said, this weekend is quite a big one - the transition from cots to big girl beds & frankly I'm an emotional cocktail that no one wants to drink - bitter sadness & scared shitless in equal measures - (If I were name this drink, it would be called 'brown tears'). I'm Sad that the last artifacts of having babies are vanishing, but scared that, free from the constraints of their partially barred sleep zones, they'll now wonder around like disorientated zombies whenever they feel like it, no doubt coming into our room to watch us sleep (if you've ever woken to a child starring at you through the darkness at 3.45am, you'll know how is can literally make your heart flat line & have you checking your underwear for wet patches). Any tips on getting them to stay put in those first couple of days?"

"Here's a poem I wrote for anyone who's ever given a kid a shoulder ride:

No more forests of legs for you,
for up on my shoulders, there’s a marvellous view.
With panoramic horizons spanning all round, leave all your troubles down there on the ground.

But with any good shoulder ride, there are some strict rules. We’ll start off real simple - please watch your damn shoes!
Refrain from grinding them into my top, the stains are a nightmare, this HAS to just stop.

Stop wiping your snot in my lovely clean hair - I know what you’re doing whilst sitting up there!
It may be subtle & speedily done, but picking it out really isn’t that fun.
That green slimmy substance from your dark nasal cave - THAT IS NOT HAIR GEL - for god sake, please behave!

And what’s that warm feeling on the back of my neck? You wouldn't ...It can't be..... - YOU'VE PEE'D! – WHAT THE FECK?!! I asked if you needed one ages ago, to which you replied, “I really don't know....”.
Yet here I am, in urine soaked clothes, (with a waft of ammonia going straight up my nose), so next time please try, next time please push, or at least give me notice, so I can find you a bush!

Remove your little digits from out my eyes. Despite what you think, I don’t want a surprize.
I value my retina and value my sight - playing peek-a-boo now? That doesn’t seem right.

And Yes, you’ve been doing this for many long years, but please stop steering me by pulling my ears.
I am not a horse or a decrepit old mule, I’m human like you , and it’s really not cool.
They’re attached to my head & glued super tight, so despite trying to remove them with all of your might, 
this is will end in one simple way; you not being carried for the rest of the day.

Comply with these rules & we’ll get along fine, I’ll ignore the compression of my poor fragile spine, I’ll ignore that you’re getting bigger and bigger, that your weight has increased, & your effects on my figure.
At the end of the day, you’re my child don't you see.
Forget everyone else, it’s just you & me. "

"I thought it was a phase. I thought I would have grown out of it by now, but no, here I am 3 years after this was taken and it seems that biting, gnawing and nibbling the extermities of my offspring is still very much in Vogue. Tell me I'm not the only one that still enjoys a chew of an ear, a bite of a finger or a gum of a belly?! Is this first step in a long & complex journey towards canabalism - no. Do I have to remind myself to control the pressure of my own jaws in order to combat the overwhelming urge to bite down way too hard? Absolutely. Is It going to scar them for life both physically and mentally? Possibly, although the amount of giggling indicates they seem to be ok with it. I guess I'll just have to resign myself to the fact they'll all just have to wear ear muffs, gloves and socks around me for protection. I'm assuming that 5 is the cut off age for stopping this, right?"

"Opportunities for a lads night in are rarer than a steak that's still walking around in a field mooing. So with Clemmie out and an England game on, it was essential to execute a shortened bedtime routine with military precision and timing. Kids Dinner - Picnic plates at 5pm sharp. Wanna have a bath? Not tonight, you washed the other day, a damp flannel will do. Can we have a story? Sure. But the abridged version (i.e. skip pages and ad lib a lot). Lights out and beer in on the sofa at 7.30pm sharp. Man, I wish I was this organised every night - it's amazing what you can achieve when you're driven! Fyi Clemmie said as she left "why don't you pause it and just watch it later so you don't have to rush?" - I guess she'll never understand the importance of watching live sport at the same time as everyone else, just I'll never understand why you have to try on 7 outfits before leaving the house..."

"Here’s a riddle for you: When does a Holiday, not feel like a holiday? Answer: when your twins decide that from the moment you arrive at the airport, to the moment you arrive home again a week later, that you’re the designated favourite parent & proceed to weld themselves to you with ‘Emotional Loctite’ – the strongest bond known to the human race. Don’t get me wrong, it was still nice to be somewhere warm, to not cook or do house admin but for 90% of my waking hours (and some of the sleeping ones) Ottie & Delilah wouldn’t do anything without me. It was like 1 family went on 2 separate holidays in parallel universes, just inches apart from one another - One half was relaxing in the sun with time to eat their way through the walls Ice cream back catalogue, the other (i.e. me and the twins) were on a week long intensive toddler wrangling course conducted in an oven, each twin fitted with immobiliser alarm that ended in screaming if anyone apart from me tried to touch them or help. At customs when asked if I had anything to declare, I strongly considered saying “yes, I want to divorce my family” but instead I did the British thing, buried my feelings, gave a rye smile & said “nope, just that we have a nice time.” I ready to go back to work..."

"Today we managed to achieve the unachievable - our first family bike ride in the UK as a 6. And yes, yours truly drew the short straw & was hooked up to the 'chariot' that contained the 2 worst back seat drivers in history (go faster, stop jogging us, your bum is wiggling, I'm thirsty, stop moaning dad!). All this happened while the other girls cruised along, leaving me to sweat out every ml of liquid in my body. The 85km ride I did this morning was a doddle compared to lugging these two around. I felt like a tug boat powered solely by an elderly hamster in a wheel, trying to pull a cruise liner. We really must stop feeding this lot."

"Advice needed please: It's easy to forget that just because you're fine not seeing people and putting your social life into a state of semi permanent hibernation (12 years of parenting has prepared me well for this lockdown), it doesn't mean everyone else is coping & I've frankly been a bit blind to it. yes we've done our best to fend off boredom & keep the kids mentally stimulated, but the lack of physical social interaction with their friends is starting to take its toll. Marnie is a glass half full kind of kid but cabin fever has kicked in & the realisation that she won't being going back to school until September has been the straw that broke the camels back. As the tears rolled down her cheeks, the words "I just want to be close to other humans that aren't my family!" Feel out of her mouth. I've never felt so useless. The good times will return kid. Has anyone else dealt with this yet? If so, let me know if you have any advice."

"I blinked & suddenly my baby twin girls are 5. Birthdays have become a point of reflection of me (perhaps this is a sign of getting older, who knows!) - it's a viewpoint from which you stare into the foggy haze of history to see how far you've come (swipe right) and to remember the journey that got you here. The sleepless nights, the constant balancing of priorities, the guilt of feeling I haven't been there for them enough, the stages of development they've navigated to become the little people they are today and the moments of pure joy that are etched into my memory for eternity. It's all there in pages of our family story, a story that has many blank sides still to fill. No one said having twins would be easy, but I wasn't prepared for how much of a test it would be, not only on our parenting skills, but on our ability to keep moving forwards without things falling apart. Yet here we are 5 years on, a little wiser, a little greyer and little more tired. I'm proud of the people they've become & excited to see what they'll do in the next 5. I just hope when they look back at their childhood, they can remember the day they got their first bikes and that their family loves them, even if they are a nightmare sometimes!"

"'When I get a dog, I'll never let it get in our bed, that's gross - I won't be one of THOSE people!' Is just one of the many unrealistic things I've told myself over the years with the aim of obtaining an ideal vision of life. Unsurprisingly the sausage dog crew now have more bed real estate than I do. We're all guilty of having these ideas about how we'll shape our future, only to find that many of them are either unobtainable or simply suck the fun out of existing - Other that's have fallen by the way side include "my kids won't watch TV all day - they'll be outdoorsy, we'll never eat at McDonald's - we'll make wholesome home cooked food instead, I'll take a year off work before I'm 35 to travel with my family, we'll make arts & crafts every weekend, I'll never shout at my kids". All absolute nonsense. As someone once said - 'everyone's a perfect parent until they become a parent.....'"

"As your family gets older, the opportunity to experience things for the 'first time' starts to dwindle. But with the last year that the world has endured, we've starting to emerge from our hibernation, and (without wanting to sound like a Disney film) for the first time in forever, it felt normal again. This weekend was the first time to be with family, the first time we bothered to get dressed up, the first time I've managed to get all 6 pairs of eyes looking in the same direction (smiling was a step too far for Delilah) and the first time we had a family photo that doesn't involve the same 4 walls as a back drop & everyone wearing soft clothing with elastic waists. It was the first time it felt that we might, just might be coming out of fog of the last 12 months and leaving it in our rear view mirror. 
Wherever you are and whoever you're with, I hope you've had the opportunity to enjoy the Easter weekend and have the chance to see some hope on the horizon - A time for new beginnings indeed."

"Solar and lunar esclipses are all well & good but they're no where near as rare as an 'child eclipse' - that well known phenomena that occurs on most holidays when a father chucks their precious off spring so high that even Icarus would be impressed with their proximity to the sun, all while their partners look on, drowned in a stressed related flop sweat from seeing their baby being forcefully entered into a lower earth obrit.
Clemmie should be used to this but now, but I'm sure the Pina Colada helped those worries dissipate and vanish on the warm Turkish breeze. God, I love holidays - aren't they just the best memory making moments ever?!"

"Is it just me, or are the lives of 3 year olds and that of slightly eccentric elderly ladies who have simply stopped caring about what society thinks of them practically the same? Sometimes I look on at my girls and don't see a pair of pre-schoolers free from the limitations of adult life. I see a pair of 80 something women, nattering away as if words were about to be outlawed, dressed in colour clashing clothes, a cape adorned with 'Girl Power' because, well why not and a 3 wheeled mobility scooter with a small doll strapped to the front it to get people talking because thats what you do it you stopped giving a s**t about societies views of you. I guess 3 is the new 80. Besties for life."