Pandas, What Was The Worst Thing You Accidentally Did As A Kid?

I dry humped the sofa while my parents watched in silent horror.

I thought I was the first person to discover that rubbing my penis on things felt good. Many pieces of furniture fell victim to my testing. I discovered that the sofa was the best and I had to show my parents. I couldn't keep this to myself! I told them to come to the living room. I had something amazing to show them. I didn't just sexual assault their couch. I was teaching a class on it. Offering to let my dad have a go. They just stood there. It haunts me to this day. I have never asked them about it. They must have thought they were raising a sexual predator.

Not me, but my brother (20 years older than me) as a kid was house sitting for someone when he was like 7

Taking care of the dogs, cats, fish and a hamster or two.

He spilled something on a hamster (koolaid I think?) And he gave it a bath, then tried to dry it off in the microwave so the family wouldn't know.

To his credit, the hamster was dry.

In kindergarten, I was the asshole kid who blew the whistle on Santa Claus. I thought I was doing everyone a service, but several children cried and my mom had to talk to my teacher at pick-up time bc I basically talked back when asked to apologize.

My mom was so embarrassed. The icing on the cake was when my mom told me in front of my teacher that I would in fact apologize to the class, I said "dad says I shouldn't say sorry unless I really mean it and I don't think I should say sorry for telling the truth."

I don't even remember this but my mom tells this story all the time bc I never apologized. Same teacher put me in timeout bc I said The Pledge in a funny voice. I don't think we were on good terms...

I decided I wanted to burn trash in the middle of the Texas summer so my dumb little ass did just that. I just threw some cardboard boxes and shit into this barrel on my property we always had, figuring it would be contained you know? I poured some lighter fluid in there from my dad’s grill, lit a match and boom!

Up it went and my weird child obsession with Fire was quenched until the damn fire jumped out of the barrel and started racing towards the pine woods.(It was around Huffman tx, lots of pine trees) . There was apparently a raccoon in there I doused with lighter fluid and set on fire under the trash I was trying to burn.

Well I ended up burning up a good portion of trees behind my house before the fire fighters came. Thankfully it wasn’t that bad and our house didn’t burn down but it was the scariest moment of my life. I don’t think I ever burned anything again, my heart was broken. I cried for days I felt so damn bad for that raccoon.

I told my mom I betrayed Steve Irwin because I hurt an animal really bad. I’m pretty sure I started writing a letter to apologize but I was afraid he wouldn’t forgive me so pussed out.

There used to be a small hole about an inch and a half just above the socket. Everytime we'd get sent to our bedroom for punishment we'd piss into the small hole above the socket and knock out the electricity in the whole house to punish my dad.

-My mom was ironing clothes. She left the iron unattended for like 2 seconds. Then 3 year old me thought "hey, this should fix the wrinkly skin on my fingers" and ironed my own hand. 3rd degree burns. Still have the scars.

-When i was 6, I was super excited about my new scissors. Went around the house cutting shit. Then I started cutting electric cables, until one was from a lamp that was on.... Not fun. And melted my new scissors.

-I was 5. My older cousin had a very chunky, full bodied friend, not fat, she looked big and muscular. And had short hair. So when they introduced me to her I asked, why is this man wearing a dress and has a girl's name? It was HER birthday and all of her family and friends heard.

My uncle and his new wife came over to visit late one night when I was about 6. I was supposed to be in bed so the adults could enjoy visiting but I was determined to stay up and see what was going on, so I asked my mom in front of everybody if I could have a snack before bed, even though I’d never had bedtime snacks. My mom was strict about eating right, so of course she said no and told me to go back to bed. I decided to make a scene and lay in the floor begging for food, saying I hadn’t eaten in ages, that I was starving and ask for just one raisin. My new aunt watched, horrified, as my mom stayed firm and dragged me back to bed as I fake cried and begged her not to beat me. I was a very skinny child due to illness, so my aunt probably thought I really was being abused, but the truth is that I had good parents, I was just a little shit sometimes.

I was little and we were at my grandpas funeral. Being only 6 or 7 I hardly understood what it meant for him to be dead, especially considering it was an open casket. In my mind everyone was walking up to him and saying goodbye and he was sleeping like when we saw him in the hospital. Little did I know.... So when it was finally my turn to go up my mom asked me if i was sure i wanted to see him. I said of course, and I ran up to my grandpa and yelled out "granddpaaa" just like I did when we would go over and visit. It wasnt until he didnt reply and I felt his freezing cold clammy hands that I realized why people were crying. He was dead.

At the customer service counter at the grocery store... I remember crawling under it and finding the discarded gums stuck underneath the counter and sticking some in my mouth. Oh dear god I shudder.

I don't think I did it unknowingly, but I killed a lot of ants by molten plastic. How? you put a stick through a plastic bottle to create a handle, then burn the bottle by a small lighter, super hot molten plastic will start dropping down like napalm.

Kills every thing it touches. I did this so may times that, after awhile, it's really hard to find a single fire ants nest in my local area.

I was really young and shared a room with my older brother. I remember one time I begged him to tie me to the bed frame because I was pretending I was a creature or something. My brother got really embarrassed and I couldn't understand why. I cringe when I think about that.

When I was in the 5th grade, I had a male teacher who was kind of weird and who basically let me and my friends get away with anything because we were smart. I was not smart enough to know that teasing my mom for said teacher's crush on her would mean an all-out screaming match between her and my stepdad. This fight lasted for 5 more years. He thought she was cheating on him because I had said my teacher had a crush on her.

When I was around 3 or 4 years old my family lived in a rented townhouse. We had a small dog that was not very well house-trained and would frequently poop and pee in the carpeted house.

Supposedly my parents were planning to move and painstakingly cleaned the carpets to remove any evidence of the dog going to the bathroom in the house in order to get their security deposit back. Obviously being so young, no one clued me in on the situation.

On the day the landlord came to inspect the house I was playing outside in the yard. He stopped to say hello to me before knocking on the door and I allegedly said something to the effect of, “Hi! My dog Frankie goes potty in the living room!” The landlord immediately went inside and began ripping up the carpeting and saw all the stains underneath.

My parents did not get their security deposit back.

I almost let my younger stepbrother drown.

I (8 yr old) was supposed to be holding his (2yr old) hand while we were at lake fishing. He yanked out of my grasp and took off full sprint into the water. My stepmom had to go diving in after him. They blamed it on me but as an adult with kids about that same age, I would never trust a 8 year old to watch a toddler around a body of water. So it’s their fault.

I had just gotten home in the afternoon from middle school and there was about an hour or so I'd be home by myself before my parents came home from work. On this day I decided to boil a few hot dogs as a nice little snack while I watched TRL. My buddy from next door comes over and invites me to do play video games or whatever the hell I was into at the time. An hour or so goes by and I come back into my house and realize the stove was still on and the hot dogs were burning. Apparently the Teflon from the pan releases a noxious gas that is lethal to birds and killed my mothers beloved parakeet. She came home about ten minutes later and immediately saw this dead parakeet and started crying. She looked me right in my eyes and said 'everything in my life is dying!' (this was around the same time my parents were getting divorced) and she slammed her bedroom door and I didn't see her until the next morning.

Said the N-word to my African American classmate. Repeatedly. My Dad had decided the previous weekend that because I was 12, I was of course old enough to watch Blazing Saddles for the first time. So when I went to art class with my friend the following Monday, I started quoting basically every part of the movie I could remember to her, the majority of which had the N-word. Thankfully, she thought it was pretty funny. It was only when my teacher held me back after class that I knew something was wrong. She pulled me aside and said "Hey, so, I know what movie you were quoting, and you'd be in a lot of trouble if I didn't like it too. But you can't say that word." She told me why, and explained it as best and as delicately as she could. But wow do I cringe looking back on that. That could have been bad.

When I was about four or 5, we had this baby doll that was for me to have for practice in case I had another sibling. Well, instead of taking care of the doll, I would stand at the top of the stairs and chuck him down to the bottom so he would land in the potted plant. Needless to say I never had a baby brother.

So to be fair I was a naïve kid (4-6) and didn’t realize that things you say had weight sometimes . So during Christmas Eve I felt a stocking get put on my bed (family tradition “Santa” used to do) so I being a child looked up and saw my dad slowly creep out of my room so it was obvious on who put the stocking there. He didn’t see me so I just went back to bed (I always had a suspicion Santa wasn’t real in the first place so it didn’t crush me) but I thought this was big news that everyone needed to hear. So fast forward a couple of days and everyone in school is talking about what they got for Christmas. So our teacher asks what did everyone get for Christmas and me being the know it all said proudly “Santa gave me a toy light saber” now that doesn’t seem too bad i was happy i got a light saber but then I said “I also saw my dad give me my presents so Santa’s not real and it’s our parents”. I said this in front of my 2nd grade class and thought nothing of it. I didn’t mean any harm to be done and i just thought it was a ground breaking thing to expose Santa. Long story short my teacher talked to me about thinking before you talk and i didn’t get into to much trouble but i sure do feel a little guilty looking back on it. Whenever i see my old classmates and know i might have crushed one of there childhood dreams of Santa I die a little bit inside.

I once said to my mom, when I was like three or four, “I want a white mommy with blonde hair and blue eyes and doesn’t speak Spanish.” I made her cry and I always think about it. Funny thing is that I hated having to learn Spanish but now I’m bilingual and a Spanish teacher. I absolutely love it, but that memory still crosses my mind sometimes and I just cringe. Kids can be so egocentric.

Not me, but my sister with my cousin made me eat "candy", which was later identified as a cactus fertilizer.