When a relationship ends, it’s hard for both partners to admit what they did wrong. Perhaps they didn’t give their significant other enough attention, maybe they didn’t communicate clearly — there are many reasons why couples break up. But research shows that women might be disappointed by their partners more often than men are. In fact, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, one in four women have been let down by a partner not doing enough.
The guys might not know how they disappointed their partners, but for some, that clarity comes much later. In one online thread, men reflected on their past relationship mistakes after one fellow man asked, “Looking back at your past relationships, how have you been a [bad] boyfriend?” The vulnerability and emotional intelligence many of the guys showed in their stories are admirable — here’s to their continued emotional growth!
#41
I’ve done the: ignore for playing video games too.
But also not contributing to household chores unless asked. I didn’t get why it was a problem, “if you want me to take out the garbage it’s fine just say so.” But nobody wants to constantly have to nag you to do things.
But also not contributing to household chores unless asked. I didn’t get why it was a problem, “if you want me to take out the garbage it’s fine just say so.” But nobody wants to constantly have to nag you to do things.
4points
#42
As a boyfriend I was during my worst moments neglectful, closed off and selfish.
As a potential boyfriend (ie during the initial dating phase), I've been worse. Feigned continued interest when all I felt was physical attraction and had no desire for a committed relationship.
As a potential boyfriend (ie during the initial dating phase), I've been worse. Feigned continued interest when all I felt was physical attraction and had no desire for a committed relationship.
4points
#43
Thanks for this. It took me what must have been a dozen failed relationships to realize that I just wasn't listening - to cues, to body language, etc. When things went south, my go-to response was something like "she's just being crazy" or "she just wants to fight with me" or "she's pissed about something that happened two weeks ago and now's the time for vengeance." I can't go back to those situations, but when I recognize them these days, I'm more patient and more communicative.
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4points
#44
Yes.
We were both horrible to each other and it basically stemmed down to communication issues. We were at two different levels in life. I wanted more freedom, independence and a relationship just her and me. She wanted someone who needed her.
Things really went down hill when I was able to hold down a steady job that paid well. She *did not* like my financial independence. I didn't like her sudden urge to make up on lost time from her younger years when she was burdened with kids. Partying and what not.
It's been near 20 years since. I've changed for the better for the most part. I wish she had, but I still see signs of her issues being present in her current relationship when I visit and spend time with her kids.
We were both horrible to each other and it basically stemmed down to communication issues. We were at two different levels in life. I wanted more freedom, independence and a relationship just her and me. She wanted someone who needed her.
Things really went down hill when I was able to hold down a steady job that paid well. She *did not* like my financial independence. I didn't like her sudden urge to make up on lost time from her younger years when she was burdened with kids. Partying and what not.
It's been near 20 years since. I've changed for the better for the most part. I wish she had, but I still see signs of her issues being present in her current relationship when I visit and spend time with her kids.
4points
#45
Not giving enough attention when she clearly needed it. Held back my emotions because of that old clichê of "She's going to lose interest in me because I'm too affectionate and give her too much attention, so I should pretend that I don't like her as much as I secretly do and neglect her a lot of times." Yeah. Months after the breakup I realised that's exactly what ruined our relationship, and that the things she needed most especially with the things she was going through, was the most love, affection and attention I could possibly give. And even if she didn't need those, it was wrong of me to censor myself, as by doing that I was not being honest, not to myself and not to her. She didn't really ever know me because all I showed her was a version of myself that I created to fit what I thought were her needs, and in the end all she ever wanted and needed was what the true me was and had. Writing this up clears up a lot of things.
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4points
#46
I was bullheaded, and insensitive. I was too focused in how I felt and instead of how my partner did. I was selfish, and I was blunt. I thought people needed to see things my way.
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4points
#47
I had a relationship in which my SO wanted to see me a lot, I honestly couldn't understand why we couldn't just text and talk over the phone when she missed me. We only saw each other like once every 2 weeks and eventually she had enough and left me. I very recently got out of a relationship in which the tables were turned and I feel horrible realizing what it feels like to want to see your SO and them not really caring enough to put any effort in.
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4points
#48
With my first long term girlfriend, I was a bad boyfriend because I didn’t show her I was serious about my life. At the time she was career/future focused and I was not. I was living life day to day, playing video games online, sleeping in weird hours. It got so bad that we didn’t even go to bed at the same time. She would ask me to come bed and I would stall and keep gaming until late at night. Eventually she started hanging out with other people similar to her and that would in turn, make me jealous. Eventually she realized she couldn’t be in the relationship anymore. I now live a very organized/balanced life. I have a good job, apartment and sleep schedule and she has tried to get back together but there its too late, so it never happened.
Second long term girlfriend was married and going through a separation. We were friends and she persuaded me to date before her separation and I ended up agreeing to it and ultimately, giving her more of me than I should have. I think she was confused about her own life and thought she loved me but there was a bigger problem. Looking back on it, I was a jerk friend/person for not following my gut feeling and helping her realize this whole thing was a mistake. I should have never caved in and I knew it from the start. If I wouldn’t have failed her, maybe then we would be friends now. Maybe we would have dated later down the road if we would have done things on the right foot. I got my karma though.
Third - current girlfriend. I think I try my best to give her the best of me but just a couple of minutes ago we had an argument where I got upset over something she said. She said she didn’t mean to make me fee like I was attacked, but she feels like I don’t give her enough credit and that It was an old wound. ( I got upset because something she said reminded me of how my ex would treat me) So I failed her today by assuming she was like my previous girlfriend.
Second long term girlfriend was married and going through a separation. We were friends and she persuaded me to date before her separation and I ended up agreeing to it and ultimately, giving her more of me than I should have. I think she was confused about her own life and thought she loved me but there was a bigger problem. Looking back on it, I was a jerk friend/person for not following my gut feeling and helping her realize this whole thing was a mistake. I should have never caved in and I knew it from the start. If I wouldn’t have failed her, maybe then we would be friends now. Maybe we would have dated later down the road if we would have done things on the right foot. I got my karma though.
Third - current girlfriend. I think I try my best to give her the best of me but just a couple of minutes ago we had an argument where I got upset over something she said. She said she didn’t mean to make me fee like I was attacked, but she feels like I don’t give her enough credit and that It was an old wound. ( I got upset because something she said reminded me of how my ex would treat me) So I failed her today by assuming she was like my previous girlfriend.
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4points
#49
I was much more arrogant and self-centered when i was younger. So I gave my first girlfriend a lot of trouble for things I thought were stupid like her reasons for wanting to go vegetarian, the stuff that she was into, things like that. I tried to force my own interests and values on her instead of embracing hers. I really regret the way that I treated her. I was a huge jerk.
On the flip side, if we never messed up, can we ever become better people? But I still regret hurting people I cared about with my mistakes along the way.
On the flip side, if we never messed up, can we ever become better people? But I still regret hurting people I cared about with my mistakes along the way.
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4points
#50
Vanity and paranoia.
I've always had anxiety problems including OCD, which makes me get so inside my head that I'll neglect people around me. This has made girlfriends have to walk on eggshells with what they say to not set me off. By that, I don't mean anger and yelling, I mean interrogation and paranoia.
"What do you mean by that!?"
"You mean I don't look good!?"
"You mean I did something wrong!?"
Etc, etc.
For a while this heavily regarded my looks. I come from two very attractive parents and had issues with my weight growing up. I became way too fixated on maintaining a good physique and felt a lot of pressure to match up to my genetic expectation. Anything, literally anything that suggested I may be unattractive or out of shape set off these neurotic episodes. My second girlfriend had to deal with this and was vocal about how hard it was.
I've always had anxiety problems including OCD, which makes me get so inside my head that I'll neglect people around me. This has made girlfriends have to walk on eggshells with what they say to not set me off. By that, I don't mean anger and yelling, I mean interrogation and paranoia.
"What do you mean by that!?"
"You mean I don't look good!?"
"You mean I did something wrong!?"
Etc, etc.
For a while this heavily regarded my looks. I come from two very attractive parents and had issues with my weight growing up. I became way too fixated on maintaining a good physique and felt a lot of pressure to match up to my genetic expectation. Anything, literally anything that suggested I may be unattractive or out of shape set off these neurotic episodes. My second girlfriend had to deal with this and was vocal about how hard it was.
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4points
#51
I forget a lot, I forgot plans we had made hours before, I would forget what she had said a day after she said it, I think I took the time we had together for granted, luckily we're still friends because she means the absolute world to me.
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4points
#52
1. I was fairly thoughtless. I still am. (This is part of the whole "I shouldn't have to ask you" argument that everybody seems to have)
2. I didn't set some boundaries that really should have been set. I was too easygoing about behavior that I couldn't abide in the long run.
3. I'd conceal things that I knew would lead to arguments. They weren't particularly bad things, but because of #2, it was just easier to avoid the fuss. All in all, just a stupid way of dealing with things.
4. When something is couched in the form of an ultimatum, I tune out completely. I have no patience for the manipulative ultimatum stuff, and I don't feel bad about that part... but some behavior led to that moment, and I'd miss that part entirely because of the way it was presented.
2. I didn't set some boundaries that really should have been set. I was too easygoing about behavior that I couldn't abide in the long run.
3. I'd conceal things that I knew would lead to arguments. They weren't particularly bad things, but because of #2, it was just easier to avoid the fuss. All in all, just a stupid way of dealing with things.
4. When something is couched in the form of an ultimatum, I tune out completely. I have no patience for the manipulative ultimatum stuff, and I don't feel bad about that part... but some behavior led to that moment, and I'd miss that part entirely because of the way it was presented.
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4points
#53
I use to have a ridiculous temper and would argue for the sake of it. I would start the argument, then blow up and storm off. A real jerk. Turns out I was depressed and had been for a long time and it didn't manifest well. Ended up staying in a relationship I should have finished very quickly but ended up marrying them and having a child. It ended very badly.
One thing I'm doing now with my current partner is not having my own support network. In no way am I using them as my therapist or my sole support but I will just isolate myself when dealing with stuff. I'm in therapy but I find having a support network as a man in your late '30s is very difficult.
One thing I'm doing now with my current partner is not having my own support network. In no way am I using them as my therapist or my sole support but I will just isolate myself when dealing with stuff. I'm in therapy but I find having a support network as a man in your late '30s is very difficult.
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4points
#54
Oh man. To be perfectly frank. I was a horrible boyfriend to two.
Ive dated 4 total.
First girlfriend I lied a lot too. Not a lot self confidences and it really made things ugly.
2nd girlfriend I poured everything into.
Tho it was a 6 month rebound with this beautiful girl who only wanted my money.
The third girlfriend I could of done better. She has a lot of trauma and a lot of patiences. It wasnt going to work out. She was driven to do anything but she was a sweet heart. I would check out other women. Hit on other women. I wanted a spicier intimate life. I wanted multiple women. But I gave up on her when she needed me the most. I let her down and I told her that as I broke up with her.
A lot of regret. A lot of learning on who i wanted to be with. A lot of pain that I dont want to go into detail. But i was an ex user. She put up with it.
Melissa Im sorry but you deserved better. And I am glad you found someone.
My new girlfriend is everything. I want to marry her. I matured and knew what to do and not too. No longer a womanizer too.
Ive dated 4 total.
First girlfriend I lied a lot too. Not a lot self confidences and it really made things ugly.
2nd girlfriend I poured everything into.
Tho it was a 6 month rebound with this beautiful girl who only wanted my money.
The third girlfriend I could of done better. She has a lot of trauma and a lot of patiences. It wasnt going to work out. She was driven to do anything but she was a sweet heart. I would check out other women. Hit on other women. I wanted a spicier intimate life. I wanted multiple women. But I gave up on her when she needed me the most. I let her down and I told her that as I broke up with her.
A lot of regret. A lot of learning on who i wanted to be with. A lot of pain that I dont want to go into detail. But i was an ex user. She put up with it.
Melissa Im sorry but you deserved better. And I am glad you found someone.
My new girlfriend is everything. I want to marry her. I matured and knew what to do and not too. No longer a womanizer too.
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3points
#55
Hiding my feelings and emotions because I was afraid to talk about things that might make her mad/sad.
Never works out in the end.
Never works out in the end.
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3points
#56
Thinking back to my first relationship I feel bad about the discrepancy between how much my gf and I cared about the other. The entire reason I wanted a gf was to lose my virginity and be able to tell people I had a girlfriend, not for anything serious.
The girl I was with, however, seemed like she had some really strong feelings for me, and told me I treated her a lot better than any of the previous guys she had been with. She would constantly post pics of us on Facebook, always responded right back to my texts, and was completely willing to drive an hour just to hang out with me for a little while. She seemed like she was really looking for a serious commitment, and I was really just wanting a social capital.
At the time I really was not thinking about her, and I probably wasn’t really emotionally ready for a true intimate relationship. And as I time went on it just seemed like we were just two people who were dating cause we were afraid of being alone, instead of two people that genuinely just enjoy spending time with the other.
I’d like to be able to say I sat her down and straight up told her I didn’t think things were gonna work out. I’d like to, but I can’t. I just became less responsive to her and tried to give subtle cues I wasn’t interested in dating anymore, which now I realize was pretty much ghosting. She caught on before long and texted me to ask if I wanted to break up, to which I responded affirmatively.
I’d feel even worse about the whole thing, but it turns out she had been cheating on me toward the end of our relationship. Though I kinda wonder if she might have cheated because I was being emotionally distant and wanted someone to confide in.
The girl I was with, however, seemed like she had some really strong feelings for me, and told me I treated her a lot better than any of the previous guys she had been with. She would constantly post pics of us on Facebook, always responded right back to my texts, and was completely willing to drive an hour just to hang out with me for a little while. She seemed like she was really looking for a serious commitment, and I was really just wanting a social capital.
At the time I really was not thinking about her, and I probably wasn’t really emotionally ready for a true intimate relationship. And as I time went on it just seemed like we were just two people who were dating cause we were afraid of being alone, instead of two people that genuinely just enjoy spending time with the other.
I’d like to be able to say I sat her down and straight up told her I didn’t think things were gonna work out. I’d like to, but I can’t. I just became less responsive to her and tried to give subtle cues I wasn’t interested in dating anymore, which now I realize was pretty much ghosting. She caught on before long and texted me to ask if I wanted to break up, to which I responded affirmatively.
I’d feel even worse about the whole thing, but it turns out she had been cheating on me toward the end of our relationship. Though I kinda wonder if she might have cheated because I was being emotionally distant and wanted someone to confide in.
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3points
#57
Its hard for me to read this thread without break my own heart. I ve grown way past this now but remembering all the stuff that the people i love endured from me is haunting. To say the least..
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3points
#58
So many things.
For one, communicating my needs and being vulnerable. I found some relationships lead me to feel very lonely due to either living in a new city, or work schedules leaving us with lots of time apart. I'd crave company or just friendship, which lead to emotionally detaching from my partner and attaching with someone else. It lead to cheating that I'm not proud of. Instead I should have asked for help, said how lonely I felt and tried to work through it.
I also failed to maintain relationships. I'd just get comfortable and coast, thinking it was all easy. In reality, I'd left the relationship to rot.
And just feeling the need to be in a relationship, regardless of being ready or not. I felt I wouldn't be taken seriously in my life without a girlfriend, and being single meant being unsuccessful (blame family members that were successful and found long term partners in high school as the influence).
For one, communicating my needs and being vulnerable. I found some relationships lead me to feel very lonely due to either living in a new city, or work schedules leaving us with lots of time apart. I'd crave company or just friendship, which lead to emotionally detaching from my partner and attaching with someone else. It lead to cheating that I'm not proud of. Instead I should have asked for help, said how lonely I felt and tried to work through it.
I also failed to maintain relationships. I'd just get comfortable and coast, thinking it was all easy. In reality, I'd left the relationship to rot.
And just feeling the need to be in a relationship, regardless of being ready or not. I felt I wouldn't be taken seriously in my life without a girlfriend, and being single meant being unsuccessful (blame family members that were successful and found long term partners in high school as the influence).
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3points
#59
I had problems opening up and sharing and being honest with my most recent ex. We are all human, none of us are perfect.
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3points
#60
:-/ I feel like a jerk but aye, I’ll tell it anyways.
I could never just be with one girl. When I was single I would mess with a bunch of girls at the same time, and then when I would get in relationships I would still talk with the girls I had history with. So then I would cheat on my gf(s) and not give a darn. I would cheat with my gf with the side girls then break up with my gfs for the side girl. I’d then drop the side girl and go get my gf back.
If you put the cheating aside, I was actually really good to all of them which is prolly why they kept coming back. Like I could’ve been a great bf but I wasn’t concerned about that.
I could never just be with one girl. When I was single I would mess with a bunch of girls at the same time, and then when I would get in relationships I would still talk with the girls I had history with. So then I would cheat on my gf(s) and not give a darn. I would cheat with my gf with the side girls then break up with my gfs for the side girl. I’d then drop the side girl and go get my gf back.
If you put the cheating aside, I was actually really good to all of them which is prolly why they kept coming back. Like I could’ve been a great bf but I wasn’t concerned about that.
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3points
