Medical Jokes To Be Taken Twice A Day

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

"During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting."

"I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" So, I replied, "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair."

Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies, "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim."

The surgeon responds, "I know. I'm Jim."

"After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. She said, "Who was that?"

A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium."

Man: "0Mg."

Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now?"

“Give him a headache!” says the doctor.

Why is a doctor always calm?

They have a lot of patients.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug."

Doctor: “You have high blood pressure and amnesia.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have high blood pressure!”

The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”

Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”

Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news."

Patient: "What's the good news?"

Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you."

"Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple."

Patient: “Please help me! I can’t stop my hands from shaking.”

Doctor: “Do you drink often?”

Patient: “Not really, I end up spilling most of it.”

Doctor: "You are very ill."

Patient: "Is it okay if I get a second opinion?"

Doctor: "Of course! You are very ugly too."

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.

“Is my time up?” she asked him.

“No,” God answered, “you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. Therefore, she had a facelift, a tummy tuck, and died her hair before exiting the hospital.

After her tummy tuck was over, she was released from the hospital. However, while crossing the street on the way out, she was hit by a car and immediately died.

When arriving in front of God, the woman asked, “I thought you said I had another 40 years?! Why didn’t you save me?”

“I didn’t recognize you,” God replied.

"How did you find that doctor was fake?"

"She had good handwriting."

One day, a woman walks into a doctor’s office.
She has a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear.

“What’s wrong with me?” she asks the doctor.

“You’re not eating properly,” he replies.