Lawyers aren't funny. Except for, maybe, Saul Goodman, but he's more of a crook than a lawyer, which leaves nobody to rely on for entertainment in the world of law. Without getting too much into stereotypes, I think we can all agree that lawyers usually have a sense of humor that's as dry as an asphalt road over the driest place on earth, which is Kufra, Libya. That dry. Moreover, they usually seem pretty soulless - a perk for their job, but a con in real life - and unempathetic, which makes them seem, well, a bit inhuman. Again, those are just personal observations and agreed-upon stereotypes, and there's always an exception to the rule, but, as you are about to see, our collection of lawyer jokes is mainly based on exactly those three qualities. And you know what they say - there's always a grain of truth in every joke!
If we've agreed that lawyers' humor is usually pretty dry, you won't, however, find anything dry and bitter about these hilarious jokes! In fact, it seems that the stiffer the topic, the funnier the jokes come out to be. And law jokes are a really good example of the theory - they're anything but bland, boring, and bleak but rather the nicest combo of ironic, bittersweet, and clever. Just try and read them without smirking!
So, if you are ready, let us present you with our directory of only the best lawyer jokes found on the internet. If you wish to, add in your own silly jokes in the comments section, I guess we all have a few of those stashed somewhere when it comes to law! Also, do not forget to give your vote to the nicest jokes you find and share this article with other law-abiding citizens that you know.
#141
How did the lawyer help his friend settle the stolen coffee case?
He was a barista.
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#142
How did the lawyer know that the knight wasn't the culprit?
He had an iron-clad alibi!
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#143
What do poets always keep in their car to avoid paying legal fees to a lawyer?
A poetic license.
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#144
Why wasn't the convicted law student able to go back to his apartment?
Because he didn't get re-leased.
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#145
Why did the law student not win his case?
He had no conviction.
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#146
What is the difference between speed humps and lawyers?
People slow down in their car when approaching speed humps.
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#147
The lawyer was having difficulty reading the small print on some legal docs, so his doctor prescribed some contract lenses.
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#148
Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and there were snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!” “A lawyer? Why?” “We need someone who speaks their language.”
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#149
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.”
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#150
Two lawyers are in a bank when, suddenly, two armed robbers burst in. While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall and proceeds to take their wallets, watches and other valuables. The first lawyer shoves something into the other one’s hand. “What is this?” the latter asks without looking. “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
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#151
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
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#152
A personal injury lawyer was on vacation in a small rural town. While walking through the streets, he spotted a car that had just been involved in an accident. As expected, a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn’t get near the car. Being very clever, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.” The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
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#153
A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
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#154
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
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#155
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says, “Would you say you’re honest?” “Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” “Dad sued me for the money.”
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#156
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. “Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.” “Why?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want him arrested for?” “Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the care I stole.”
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#157
A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, “What go into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of lawyer?” “Well, Dad,” answered the son, “Did you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'”
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#158
What’s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
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#159
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply. “Except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
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#160
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor. “Sure, after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.
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