Most kids grow up thinking their parents know what’s best. They see their family’s habits as normal and might not realize that other families can be very different. It can take years before they look back and see their childhood differently.
Having narcissistic parents can make this even harder. Daily life might include constant criticism, unfair expectations, and little support, so it’s tough to know what a healthy family really looks like.
On Reddit, people are sharing the moments that made them question their upbringing, the signs they noticed years later, and the experiences that finally helped them understand their parents’ behavior. Their stories offer a glimpse into what growing up in these households can really feel like.
#41
When people’s moms actually did stuff just because they cared and not bc they want something in return. My mother always just expects SOMETHING in return. It doesn’t matter what it is but she expects something.
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#42
When I realized I flinch or cry at pretty much anything. And when I met my in-laws and they barely knew me but told me they were proud of me. I’ve had a lot more but those two stand out the most right now.
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#43
When raising my own kids I continually had lightning moments of "this is how people do this?" Kids actually enjoy being around the family & I had to send them to bed at bedtime - as a child/teen I always went to bed hours early. Experiencing the good stuff made me realize how bad my childhood was.
I wish I had realized prior to becoming a parent, I would have done it better.
I wish I had realized prior to becoming a parent, I would have done it better.
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#44
When she started grounding CONSTANTLY me because she was jealous i had friends and she didn’t. she wanted me all to herself. also the silent treatments.
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#45
When i was fully prepared for my parents divorcing for them to reunite and turn against me for causing their marital issues. I was 9.
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#46
Receiving gift cards or cash as Christmas gifts or birthday presents and watching it go straight to my parents, never to be seen again. Hated receiving money.
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#47
I am middle aged and have little kids, but its watching my friends who have older kids that really hits me. These young adults setting off in the world with supportive parents that give them healthy amounts of freedom and help when they need it. And they are happy for and proud of them! Imagine that!
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#48
I didn't really have a moment. I felt like that my whole childhood but i do remember being about 8 years old and watching other kids getting picked up by their parents after school and feeling sad because i wanted my parents to care about me the same way. But then i had to walk home because they couldn't even be bothered to come get me.
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#49
I am 57 years old and I just realized it when I moved back with my 78 yr old nmother 4 months ago. I never understood her behavior towards family and people in general. And I thought she hated me the most. I have anxiety, phobias, unexplained body aches, insomnia and depression. It was through the internet that I was able to put a name on what I have been experiencing throughout my whole life. My mom is a malignant narcissist and is getting worse as she age. I am the scapegoat. Since I learned about narcissism I was able to heal slowly and recently went no contact. That was 8 days ago and I’ve never slept better in my entire life. I have dreams again 😊.
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#50
My brother told me after he went to therapy. Ironically he’s just as big a narcissist.
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#51
I think it was about 3 years ago, i realized my dad is narcissistic. I was supposed to go visit them for Christmas, but the day before, there was a huge snowstorm & it also rained, so the roads were a mess…i told them i wasn’t gonna take the train/bus & didn’t want them to drive in that weather (for safety issues)
i called them on x-mas day, & my dad told me i was cut off from the family & that he wanted nothing to do with me…i haven’t spoken to him since that day.
i called them on x-mas day, & my dad told me i was cut off from the family & that he wanted nothing to do with me…i haven’t spoken to him since that day.
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#52
The failure of my own marriage led me to read a serious book about pathological personalities…..a new world is open to me. I was never able to look at my parents the same way after learning everything about narcissistic toxicity towards children.
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#53
Not until after our wedding & miscarriage almost 2 years ago now we are now no contact with my mum who tried to ruin our wedding & after a week of hearing about it had no interest in our ectopic pregnancy. The drama she attempted to create around our wedding was so unnecessary & was to suit herself
Spoke with a therapist & it's the best thing I have ever done! I had no idea, I just thought my mum just had a very bad temper & would randomly fly into rages&I would sit there quietly like a nodding dog leaving her call me everything & say anything until she calmed down, the education I got about NPD from therapy, books&podcasts has been eye opening & so helpful. I always wondering why she lacked patience with friends, she's like people for a short time then this huge distrust which would soon turn into hate would begin & she'd fall out with them. She also had no contact with her own family, she'd broken that years ago.
It's crazy when you grow up with someone like that, you can't see anything wrong with it, I worshipped my mum because "you only get one mother" as she always told us. A relationship manipulated & led by guilt when there was nothing to be guilty of.
Spoke with a therapist & it's the best thing I have ever done! I had no idea, I just thought my mum just had a very bad temper & would randomly fly into rages&I would sit there quietly like a nodding dog leaving her call me everything & say anything until she calmed down, the education I got about NPD from therapy, books&podcasts has been eye opening & so helpful. I always wondering why she lacked patience with friends, she's like people for a short time then this huge distrust which would soon turn into hate would begin & she'd fall out with them. She also had no contact with her own family, she'd broken that years ago.
It's crazy when you grow up with someone like that, you can't see anything wrong with it, I worshipped my mum because "you only get one mother" as she always told us. A relationship manipulated & led by guilt when there was nothing to be guilty of.
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#54
I kept getting sick in my teen years. Then it went into my 20s. Then 30s. Finally I realised I was struggling with something called C-PTSD. And I was looking after a parent who was very mentally ill. I worked my way backwards, talked to a lot of professionals, did my research and finally realised that said parent was suffering from a personality disorder (on the spectrum with NPD/ASPD) and then I started working on my anger issues. I realised I’d inherited all the rage that sick parent had. So I’ve been learning to let go of pain that is not mine. I have my own, so I’d much rather take care of that, right?
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#55
Is she a vulnerable covert narcissist who uses crying a lot?
When I was a young teen my dad convinced me I don't need braces because his gaps were worse (he got veneers) and then bought a $1200 guitar that week. He would bring me to help him celebrate his new gift to himself.
When I was a young teen my dad convinced me I don't need braces because his gaps were worse (he got veneers) and then bought a $1200 guitar that week. He would bring me to help him celebrate his new gift to himself.
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#56
Earlier this year, but all the signs were there. From berating healthcare workers to playing the victim, to sulking and pouting when being told no.
Went nc.
Went nc.
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4points
#57
When I was 47 sadly but I know now and that’s all that matters. My sister was the scapegoat and I was the golden child. My dad is still married to my N mom and it breaks my heart and soul.
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#58
You can support your kids by being the parent who loves them unconditionally and engages with them in a different way. Kids need to feel seen and heard. Right now they’re always feeling guilty and caretaking for their narc mother. You can build a safe harbour for them through your relationship.
And you can smuggle some important messages, without directly insulting their mother. This will allow them to connect the dots themselves when the time comes.
Like, I would have really appreciated someone explaining to me (and showing me through example) that it’s okay to have a different opinion than your narcissistic parent. I was so convinced that I had to be on my mom’s “side” all the time, or I wouldn’t be loved. But I also noticed that when I disagreed with her, she would cut me down, and it struck me as weird at the time. Years later I’m working on how to disagree with people without thinking the sky will fall.
Honestly, I would’ve loved to have had one parent who was genuinely wanting to spend time with me and listen and let me be me. Even if your kids sometimes push you away out of loyalty to their mother, having you in their lives can make all the difference.
And you can smuggle some important messages, without directly insulting their mother. This will allow them to connect the dots themselves when the time comes.
Like, I would have really appreciated someone explaining to me (and showing me through example) that it’s okay to have a different opinion than your narcissistic parent. I was so convinced that I had to be on my mom’s “side” all the time, or I wouldn’t be loved. But I also noticed that when I disagreed with her, she would cut me down, and it struck me as weird at the time. Years later I’m working on how to disagree with people without thinking the sky will fall.
Honestly, I would’ve loved to have had one parent who was genuinely wanting to spend time with me and listen and let me be me. Even if your kids sometimes push you away out of loyalty to their mother, having you in their lives can make all the difference.
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#59
I started to realize how wrong my upbringing was when I moved away for college. Seeing the way other people interact with each other without regularly going home and having the dysfunction reinforced really opened my eyes. Then when I went back home for the holidays, I’d gotten enough distance that I finally saw how I was being mistreated.
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#60
This may sound like I'm a dummy, but I was 52. Driving my nmom to her cancer treatments, listening to her declare she was a good mother. She said that to me. The daughter she punched so hard she detached my retina when I was 16.
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