#1
6 months ago (I'm 33) my mom lied about something sbe claimed my husband said about something she was allowed to do with our son when he was visiting (COVID boundaries).
The lie and the way she reacted when we confronted her was a huge red flag.
A couple of days later, we excitedly shared the news that we were buying our first house. My mom LOST IT and accused me of moving away because I hate my dad (I don't hate him. I am indifferent to him, and my decision to buy a house in another town had nothing to do with either of them).
She said a bunch of awful things and I hung up on her.
That's when I started googling the behavior and it all came crashing down in a matter of 12 hours, which is how long it took me to read The Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza. The minute my husband woke up, I made him read it because I was convinced I was crazy.
6 Months no contact so far and no regrets!
#2
I could tell by her footsteps what mood she was in. I was aware of exactly where she was and what her mood was. If her mood changed, even the dog knew to hide.
It's crazy now. Sometimes I'll hear my roommate make a noise, and I'll have a memory of exactly what that sound meant growing up.
We often hear about narcissism, but do you know what a narcissistic person means? Narcissism means focusing too much on yourself, needing a lot of admiration, and having trouble noticing how others feel or what they need.
Still, just having some narcissistic traits doesn’t mean a person has narcissistic personality disorder. This difference is important, especially when we talk about parents and how they treat their children.
A narcissistic parent might see their child as part of themselves instead of as a separate person with their own needs, feelings, and goals. They may want their children to follow their plans, help them look good, or make them feel important, which can leave little space for the child’s own identity.
#3
Part of me always knew I couldn't be as awful as he acted like I was. It took being away for months to finally see what he was doing.
#4
Literally the first session, the therapist stopped me mid sentence and said “4 of the 5 reasons you’re here are because of your mom. Has she ever been diagnosed with any mental illnesses? What you’re describing is that she’s a textbook narcissist and you’ve been scapegoated your entire life.”
That was the very first time in my life I can remember being told I absolutely was not the problem and that the things like my “anger issues” my nmom claimed I had was actually me standing up for myself. All the times I felt like I was going insane because she never seemed to understand me or even hear me was because she was gaslighting me.
Some parents also find it hard to celebrate their children’s achievements without taking credit or turning the focus back to themselves. They might criticize their children for disagreeing, ignore their feelings, or not say sorry after causing hurt. Over time, these actions can harm a child’s confidence and independence.
Growing up like this can make children always try to win approval that never really lasts. They might start hiding their opinions, avoiding arguments, and putting their parent’s feelings before their own. Knowing about these patterns helps explain why guilt, self-doubt, and people-pleasing often continue into adulthood.
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Following this line, guilt can be a strong tool for controlling a child. Sometimes, a parent will bring up their sacrifices, say their child never appreciates anything, or make them feel selfish for wanting independence. Rather than talking through a disagreement, the parent might focus on what the child supposedly owes them.
This behavior is called guilt-tripping. It means making someone feel responsible for another person's feelings on purpose. Children who go through this may start saying sorry just to keep the peace, even if they did nothing wrong. Over time, they might have trouble telling the difference between real responsibility and guilt that others put on them.
#7
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#9
I always knew something was off but did not know how to express it.
My mom and I would get into disagreements all the time growing up and I would always be so frustrated because of what she was teaching me and how society was. As I grew older I got into more disagreements with her and then they turned into arguments and shouting matches. She would always gaslight me (I didn't know what that was either) and then turn the story around.
I was limited on what I could do because she would always tell me that I didn't know how to do it or I was doing it wrong. She always said that knew what was best for me. I grew up in constant frustration because I didn't understand why society was one way but the person who loved me and supposed to be guiding me taught me differently.
I later got married and had a child, but my mom was still controlling and pulling the strings even in my marriage.
I continued to argue with her and disagree with her and we would always fight. She would never admit to anything she did wrong. She would always flaunt her money around too and try to buy our love and attention.
My spouse and all my friends were always telling me that I was mean to my mom. I would always tell them they don't understand what I go thru. It was constant and always a battle. My wife knew that she was hard to deal with but would always say things like "but she's your mom."
In the end I got therapy because of issues in our marriage and our child wasn't well. Thats when it finally all came out about people with narcissistic behaviors and how they control and maniupulate things for their own benefit.
I am extremely resentful of my mom and how she used her power and authority over me. I unfortunately probably raised my own child like my mom without me knowing. Fortunately we put them in therapy early on and work things out as a family. I also told my mom that she can have no contact with them if she gives any life advice. She is limited on when she can see them or speak to them.
My dad on the other hand was tough but I think he was frustrated as well and just took things out on us. My mom would in turn use that to make us against our dad in the past. He has now changed since they got divorced and is more calm. He too does not talk to my mom anymore. She ended up being all alone because of how she is. It really is sad.
I cut her off many years ago due to my own mental health and the well being of my own family.
My biggest warning is that if you are growing up in a narcissistic household and don't know anything about it for some reason you will continue to attract more narcissistic people because its who you are used to the most. Please be aware and not be taken advantage of.
I never knew and wish there was a resource like this back when I was growing up. I wish you the best.
Children look to their parents to learn how relationships should work. If a parent often calls them names, shames them, rejects them, or withholds affection, children might see these actions as normal in a family. They may not realize the emotional harm, since they have little experience with healthier relationships.
In fact, some children grow up without anyone noticing their feelings. Their parents might brush off their sadness, ignore their worries, or not comfort them after a tough day. If this happens often, children may stop asking for help and start to think their feelings are unimportant.
#10
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#12
I just knew she was bad news and that she wasn't a parent she should've been. I didn't wonder why she was doing what she was doing because I didn't know better. It didn't even hit me until this year just HOW bad my living situation was back then. But I came across the word narcissist here, around a year and a half ago. I learned about heir behaviour, shared what happened to me and realized she has bigger issues than I thought.
It can take years for some adults to understand their parents' behavior. They may begin to question their childhood after seeing how other families talk to each other, noticing how their friends' parents handle disagreements, or being in relationships where their feelings are respected. These comparisons can make their own family patterns seem very different.
Talking about these experiences can also change how adults view themselves. In interviews, adult children of narcissists said they realized their parents' behavior, not their own shortcomings, explained many of their struggles. This new understanding helped them make sense of their past and think about how to protect themselves in the future.
#13
#14
My mom was confronting my dad about being drunk at my brothers senior night football game and he started saying stuff like “Well you had 4 drinks the other night”, “you don’t even appreciate all that I do for you”, “I’m a model husband in everyone else’s eyes.” I realized he was trying to gaslight and manipulate her the entire conversation and then when she still wouldn’t give him an inch he started screaming at her.
I was literally stopping myself from crying just so I could keep listening. All the justifying, lying about how much he drank and when he drank, and just blame shifting made me realize something was very very wrong.
#15
There were many times when she would be upset with me and make a point to emphasize how she wasn't speaking to me. She would talk to everyone else, sometimes about me, in front of me. She would say things like "I don't know why OP is treating me so poorly or why they keep doing (insert non existent rule infraction) to hurt me" right in front of me. Most times, I had no idea what she was even referring to.
The final piece that solidified my realization was during my last year of college. I was dating my now husband at the time. He would come over and hang out so we could see each other (it was the middle of the worst of the lockdown). One night he asked me why my Nmom acted a certain way and why she said some of the things she had that evening. We began talking about it and I admitted to him that I couldn't explain her behavior because it never made any sense. He brought up that it might be narcissism, so we immediately looked up the term on Google. Lo and behold, she checked every single box. Textbook case. I did some more research and discovered that she's a covert narc.
I was 30 when that happened. Looking back over my life and the interactions with her through the years I realized that she's never cared how I felt. Everything had to revolve around her and she insists it continue to this day.
I've realized that I'm a human too and my emotional/ mental health is more important than her concocted reality. She's not speaking to me right now and I've never been more relieved.
Adult life is way more affected by these behaviors than we think. Adults who always try to please others often find it hard to say no, share what they need, or make choices without worrying about letting someone down. They may agree to things they don’t want to do, change their plans for others, or feel selfish when they put themselves first.
To break this habit that often comes from childhood, it helps to remember that saying no is not unkind. People can set boundaries with their time, choose which requests matter most, and don’t have to explain every choice. At first, they might feel guilty, especially if their family expects them to say yes, but they still have the right to decide for themselves.
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#18
Healing is not about ignoring childhood experiences or feeling pressured to have a relationship with a parent who still causes harm. Adults can start to notice their emotional triggers, learn about their family history, and choose how much contact feels right for them. Therapy can support them as they work through painful memories, so those experiences do not shape their whole identity.
Setting boundaries is about choosing which behaviors are okay and taking action if someone crosses those lines. For instance, an adult might walk away from a conversation if a parent is insulting, or decide not to talk about personal choices. These boundaries can also help them create healthier relationships with their own children.
Growing up with narcissistic parents can leave emotional scars, but those experiences don't have to define the rest of someone's life. Recognizing unhealthy patterns can help adults build the kind of family environment they once needed themselves.
Have you ever recognized similar behaviors in your own family? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
#19
Once I read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents it was like reading a script of my upbringing. What’s been hardest is processing the feelings I have about my enabler dad. I used to see him as a fellow victim that I had to protect to now seeing him as her accomplice.
#20
