69 Times People Saw Roasts So Good They Had To Share Them With Others

You're so stupid you couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.

‘A good friend would lend me that money’

‘Yes they probably would’

‘Can I borrow it then?’

‘I thought we already discussed it’.

It wasn’t necessarily the insult, but the play off of what he said. We used to make fun of each other at track practice. We were piling on one of our throwers. Dude was like 5’10, 310 pounds. He finally said “guys, stop trying to belittle me!”

I said “Ricky, nothing belittle about you.”.

"You have a keen sense of the obvious!".

Heard a sorority girl get called a "frat mattress" once.

You're kinda like Rapunzel except instead of letting down your hair you let down everyone in your life.

Did you brush your hair with a hammer this morning ?

If your brains were dynamite it wouldn't be enough to blow your nose. Or something like that.

Talking about someone’s girlfriend ‘I don’t know what he sees in Alice, except the back of her head through her eyeballs…’
That made me proper laugh. She wasn’t very bright (or nice).

I held the door open for an old black woman at work one day (I am pasty white) and she looked at me in the eye and said "F you mayonaise monkey" and went through the door like I was not there.

I had no idea if that was an insult or how I should take it, so I had to go find a black co-worker to get a ruling... he died laughing and started calling his friends on speaker phone.

I am haunted to this day.

You will never be the type of person any dog you meet thinks you are.

My buddy said that to an ex who cheated on him. She wanted to be a vet.

Was playing beer pong and I shouted "f me" in frustration and my friend responded with "its been 21 years haven't you figured out no one wants to do that".

Heard that someone has the face for radio once. That’s a harsh one.

A coworker called another coworker with a mustache the "unwanted third Mario brother" and I spit my breakfast all over the kitchen table because he really is unwanted and looks like a Mario brother.

Before the same (first) coworker lost 75 pounds he would call another overweight coworker "type 3" all the time.

My friend called another friend a "six-piece chicken mcnobody" the other day. I love how it just rolls off the tongue.

" you look like you were drawn with my left hand." "not even Noah's ark can carry you, animals".

I work in geriatrics. A resident was getting annoyed with the physical therapist and shouted "Get away from me you pickle faced jerk!".

My 5 year old daughter to her mother. "Mom, when you fly on your broom, which way does the fluffy side point?".

A friend of mine posted a picture of one of our coworkers in the Navy, and said "roast me." The top comment was "The only thing your mother wants for Christmas is a folded flag.".

"Your parents must be furious with the one child policy."