Hey Pandas, Why Did You Cry The Last Time You Did? (Closed)

Right now. Everything is too much. I can't deal with these flashbacks anymore combined with everything else.

i honestly just feel like s**t

Yesterday, watched the video of a stadium audience singing along to Bohmian Rhapsody. It was in Poland before a Harry Styles concert. Made me wish Freddie hadn't been taken too soon and could see the love the world still has for him. It was joyful and poignant.

The last time I cried was 7/10/2012 at 1:35am. My mom had just taken her last breath while looking right at me. I was 21. Her heart stopped because the painkillers were pooling in her system and her body couldn't take it anymore. She fought Stage 4 Inflammatory Breast Cancer from 3/14/2009 til that morning. By that time it had eaten most of her liver and so she was barely conscious. But she was still able to moan and call out for my dad, sister, and my sister's 2 kids...not once did she call out for me or my older brother. Just them. Major PTSD moment that I still relive every single night and can't escape from...kinda like I'm being haunted in my dreams. The crying has since turned to silent screaming and nightly panic attacks.

I made the mistake of watching the blender cat video.

I WAS SOBBING into my mom's arms (I'm 15 btw so I live with my parents)

When I thought life didn't exist and I cried and cried because I didn't want to live. [Long story short]
That was a while ago.

On Monday because my mom said the n word

last night. i’ve hit a new low in my life. and i don’t think i’ll ever get back up from it.

last week, fully realized I couldnt be with someone because of religious differences but I still love them

I was just too overwhelmed by my own negative thoughts :)

Unfortunately, my grandmother cut an onion today.

In all seriousness, the last time I cried was when a close friend of 2 years told my best friend a secret that made me lose them.. so haha

The day in 2016 when Donald Trump was elected President. (Actually he lost the election but won the Electoral College.) I knew the United States, its democracy, its institutions, was in BIG trouble!

at 60 i bought my first house

The last time, I was watching a movie on TV that was titled 50 to 1. It's the story of a family in New Mexico who decides to race a horse in the Kentucky Derby. All sorts of mishaps happen to them and no one believes in them (that's why the 50 to 1). And everyone makes fun of the family because they have a cowcoy look and the ladies made their own "gala hats". I'm not American but I don't know why, the triumphant race of the stallion and his jockey made me cry, and to see the joy of the family. It made me cry even more when I saw that it was a true story. I do not know why. Maybe because nobody believed in them and they still succeeded. In short, it touched me a lot.

Last night, I had a dream that my dad needed me to open the front door, because his hands were full. I opened the door for him, and my dog, who had been put down almost a year ago, was sitting on the front porch next to him. I started sobbing, thinking the dream was real. I woke up after two minutes of crying. I realized that it was a dream and my good boy wasn’t really home. I started to cry again. Rip my good boy blaze.

a week ago my parents were being b******s

Well…

My sister came up to me and against my will licked my face. It was traumatizing. She grabbed my head in her hands to force it to her tongue despite my screaming. Anyway, we were playing though because I licked her earlier. But even though I don’t remember everything, I know that what she did was uncalled for. Strangely, I broke down and started bawling in the living room where my mom and dad and sister were after she did it. I hardly ever cry or make a big deal about the crazy stuff my sister does, but this time I was really frightened… I think I was afraid because I imagined her as just a person and not my sister.

This was a few days ago.

Sad cry watching the last episode of Saving Grace on Netflix.

A few days ago, re-reading book 4 of my current obsession series (FMA). That funeral scene gets me every time...

Happy cry: Finally figuring out my identity, and finding other genderfluid people with similar experiences. Also, listening to a lot of really emotional music at 2am.

Sad cry: Feeling like everything is changing way too fast (for rather complicated reasons that I can't explain rn) and being really overwhelmed with everything.