Hey Pandas, What’s Your Best One Liner?

Before using the toilet, know exactly where the tie to your bathrobe is.

“Do you know What?”
“No, but Who is a good friend of mine.”

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Sometimes "all that glitters is gold" is really tinsel in a pile of dog cr@p.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

From a book I read, can't remember which one
He is one 'et' away from being an asset

When I'm so tired that I'm on auto pilot... The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

Some people's birth certificates should be apology letters from the condom factory.

What did the hat say to the tie? "You hang around, I'll go on ahead."

When somebody tells me to have a nice day, I respond "That's the plan!"

Go brush your tooth...

LET ME DRINK ABOUT IT!

"I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumbass!"

I've been saying that since I was a teen and it still serves me well as a retort. 'Cuz I am a smart ass☺️

My circus, my monkeys. Stay outta my business.

“Don’t be lasagna”- 12th doctor (Doctor Who)

....and a man accused of hiding himself under a layer of iron oxide has been placed under a rust.

You couldn’t find your own ass with both hands.

I dreamed I ate a five-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

A man accused of hiding himself inside a giant trifle is being held in custard.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.