Hey Pandas, What's The Best Comeback You've Ever Heard Or Said? (Closed)

I'm watching "What's Up, Doc?" starring Barbara Streisand...

B.S. (seductively): "Has anyone ever told you that you are very, very handsome?"
Jerk: "Well, actually, no."
B.S. (w/attitude): "And they never will."

Well, first of all, the worst comeback EVER is killing 'them' with kindness. "I couldn't be happier right now. For the first time in my life, a girl told me that she loves me." Someone replies with " Aren't moms great?"... I'm just like daaaannnnng ROTFLMAO. Someone says "When I die, I want my epitaph to read: "Mistakes were made" " Someone replies with " Wasn't that already on your birth certificate?"... Okay i got a couple more... "Maybe it's not about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something new..." Someone replies with " That's why you have a little brother" and last but not least " Single (noun) A man who makes jokes about women in kitchens" reply-"Stupid (adjective) Women who think single is a noun." Okay sorry I have one more... " This song does things to me that my girlfriend can't do." "that's because this song is real, while your girlfriend isn't."

literally everything said on twitter that has been featured in a bored panda article.

Several years ago i met an American family visiting Brugges (Belgium) and we had a little talk. On a moment the son of the American family said: without us Americans we would all speak german in Europe (funny, because i am actually German but live in Belgium). And my wife replied, as kind as she can be: without us Europeans, Asians and Africans there would not be any Americans.

This was kind of a double punch in the face to me.

"No one like me" -Me
"That is the most true thing I have ever heard you say" -Kid sitting next to me.

I was going into a local village post office/shop and there were several boys standing outside, being loud and obnoxious and making comments to older folks going in. They were young 12-14, seemed harmless, but some of the older folks passing seemed nervous.
After thinking quickly, I approached the shop and the most vocal boys started making loud comments at me.
I look at him and said "Oh dear, have you gone off your meds?"
He said "What! What do you mean meds."
I said " ’Your medication’, nothing to be ashamed of lots of people your age need to take medication to control themselves." I looked at his friends and told them "to take him home as him mom needed to give him more medication now."
His friends started laughing hysterically. The boys kept insisting he didn't take any medication.
I said “Yes dear, whatever you say but you may need to go home and take more now." I smiled at him and went into the shop.
That ended the adult-baiting for the day and everyone got a laugh, even the boy I talked to was laughing when I left the shop.

So onetime my sister and I were arguing. She decided to say, well your adopted, trying to be mean. My response was, well at least they wanted me.

A few years ago, I moved from South America to the Netherlands, and although I love this country and people are simply amazing; sometimes I could get ‘jokes’ about cultural differences.

Usually, Dutch people have sandwiches for lunch, which I found nice and practical. However, in my country, we typically eat a warm meal.

During my first week at the office, I decided to bring some food from my country. While I was warming up my food, an ex-colleague who wanted to be ‘funny’ commented: What’s that? Is that from your country? It looks like dog food.

And I replied: Well, it looks like that cause I prepared it with your local ingredients.

Although I’m not extremely proud of my reaction, he never commented back.

Well once there was this girl who thought she was better than everybody. Wrote a poem about depression. I wish I'd said "Thanks now let me rewrite it legibly then you can see what happiness looks like."

My brothers and sisters and I were sitting around bullshitting and throwing out insults with each other, one brother made a joke about my sister selling herself on the street corner. My other brother said that because of her age she would have to have a half price sale. Then I said "How do you split a quarter in half?" and if looks could kill, this would be a memorial to me.

"Are you just talking to your reflection or....?" Mine, in response to insult

"Haha, that's funny! I was going to say the same thing about you!" A movie, I guess it doesn't count but I thought it was a good one.

So one time I was in debate, I was on the cat team (no offense dog lovers ) then I said "sometimes you misunderstand cats" then the dog team said, "That's cause they are hard to read, and therefore, dogs are better than cats." Then my friend said, "No that's just cause you are stupid."

One time this super annoying guy in my class LEGIT ASKED ME, "Is there such a thing as 0.1???" So my comeback was, "Yes, and there's also such a thing as stupid people, and I'm looking at one right now. Everyone started laughing and basically treating me like a savage queen the rest of the day. It was EPIC

so, I said something to my little sister and she responded, "I know you are but what am I?"
I said back to her, "bad at comebacks."
not the best one ever but I'm proud of it.

This isn’t really a come back but it’s funny
A guy I hated told me this.
Him:Look knows ur keyboard... it says u and I together
Me: underneath it says jk
He got the line from a popular meme, unlucky for him, I had seen the meme also, 😂

Someone told me that I was ugly but I told her back that I was not a mirror that shut her up for the rest of the school year

We were driving with my dad and he had to merge with traffic really quick (it wasn’t his fault it’s just how the freeway was built). He kind of cuts this lady off and she drove past us and gave my dad the finger. He just smiled and waved as we drove off laughing.
FYI — she was driving a little car and we were in a Ford F-250. It just made it funnier.

A friend was being mean, and he said what he though and how important that was..
I kept quiet till he finished,.. and then told him ""Thinking does not look good on you, please dont do that again...and i walked away

Anytime Zendaya disses me

To your question..
"I am not a panda.. I am a BEAR! ".
(Add lazy panda to hulk level panda animation.)