Hey Pandas, What's The Best Comeback You've Ever Heard Or Said? (Closed)

Someone once told me nobody would want to have sex with me because I was a feminist and called them out on their misogyny.

Joke's on you, I'm asexual.

Got in an argument with this really dumb kid in my class. I got fed up with her stupidity and said "Excuse me- Is your @$$ jealous of the crap coming out of your mouth?"
She then proceeded to roll her eyes, but didn't say anything else.

this girl in my old class was just saying a lot of rude things about me and it was getting annoying so I interrupted her and said I'm sorry if I wanted a bitch, I would have gotten a dog. that shut her up for the rest of the year.

Once talking about an ex friend who was a major douche. Told my other friend "Ya know, I'd call him a pig, but that'd be insulting to pig-kind. Because not even an animal who rolls around in a mixture of their own shit and mud would want to be anything like him." Sorry to those of you who like pigs, don't kill me please! 😅

-Your opinion is so invalid that even Blurryface doesn’t care what you think (don’t know who first said this but I love it)

-We’re Homo sapiens not hetero sapiens (in response to homophobic comments)

-Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump, but that’s comparing apples to oranges

a friend told me about this one, it was a group of first graders insulting each other, then one said "well, your not a nice person!" which earned a collective "oooh," from the group around them. oh, the innocence of first graders.

It's not mine but I like it:"Are you really stupid, or are you just pretending?"

Mom vs Sister
Sister: Your mom is stupid
Mom: Well your mom is ugly and stupid.
Sister: You are my mom
Mom: Utter Realization.....
Mom: To Che

Just this week my friend told this one guy who kept looking at us like we were a disease and was body shaming us that “I would say your life is a joke but jokes have meaning.” That shut him up quick

This one's a weird one, but we're not allowed to swear at school. So in one Spanish lesson, can't remember the rule, but it went something like this:
Words that are feminine and plural end in "as".
So I called my mate (jokingly, we are always insulting each other) feminine plural, coz I wasn't allowed to say ass. Lol now the entire year group are calling each other feminine plural, the teachers have no idea what it means🤣😂🤣😂

My brothers were fighting once and my mom pulled the classic ẗreat others like you want to be treated" so the older brother told her that the younger brother treats him like shit so he's just returning the favor. She had no argument for that.

This kid in my class was being a jerk to me, so I was all like, "Keep it up if you want a papaya shoved up your nose... Your nostrils are so colossal, it just might fit"

I'd call you a dumbass, but that would be rude to ass's

Once had a friend of mine that got fed up with someone else asserting themselves into his affairs. So he played the long game...

Told this guy he had a great idea for a financial endeavor that he thought this other guy would be an amazing fit to manage. The dude bought it, hook, line and sinker. So my buddy took this guy with him to the bank (there's one in the complex we work in) and they both sat down and applied for a small business loan. In from of the clerk and everyone else, when asked "Will it be both of you applying for this loan?" my friend replied "Nope, just him. I figured I would help him out starting a small business so he could mind his own instead of mine."

(That 70s show!)

Laurie: You better watch your back

Jackie: Really? Because you should stop spending so much time on yours.

Kelso: BURN

Sorry for so much text.
One of my friends saw a comeback online and used it on a very annoying girl who kept on calling him ugly.
He said,
"Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside."

A roast that I have said ( you might have heard of this before)
"I would prefer a battle of wits but it appears you are unarmed."
Sorry for so much text.

I was wearing cat-ear headphones on the bus once. Some girl got all snarky about it.

Her: Ugh, gosh darn anime people.

Me: I— you’re literally wearing a naruto shirt

It was infuriating. Apparently, she didn’t know it was anime

Eating dinner with my family my dad was teasing my mum about her past boyfriends and asked her "what happened to the short ugly one?" and without missing a beat I responded "oh, she married that one".

So last night at work I had a migraine and diarrhea of the mouth. You know those days. Me (a female) and 4 guy co-worker friends of mine were hanging out and this car goes tearing out of the parking lot :
Guy one: Oh yea you're cool
Guy Two: Sounds like my lawn mower (all laugh)
Me: (without thinking) Sounds like a tiny dick.

All lost it and started cracking up. Also no offense to Mustang owners. I don't even mind a loud muffler as long as it' a muscle sound not an import sound on a muscle car.

this isn't really a comeback, but i love it

I had to deal with a really mean girl in school. She went out of her way to make fun of my rapping skills. One day she said that I'm not a rapper so stop. I looked at my BFF and she started to beat-box. I then said,

" Talk to the hand cause the face ain't listenin'
I really don't care so stop on pissin'
Do u really ur the boss of me? oh wow
Ur just jealous cause u don't have the know how
*bell rings*
Oh did u hear that its time for class
But before u go, F*ck of my ass!"