Hey Pandas, Tell Me You're A Parent Without Telling Me You’re A Parent

I was given a new name at age 27, I share it with millions of other Americans, and whenever someone says it, a group of neurons in my brain lights up.

I wake up every morning by at least six o'clock although I'd love to sleep at least til 8...

When I open my handbag to get my purse I have to rummage through diapers, wipes, cookies, bottles, books, etc.

I haven't been on a romantic holidays for 20 years

About 19 years after I got married my grocery bill had a dramatic drop.

1. I’ve been handed a nugget of poop
2. Every morning I have to ask someone if they put on underwear
3. I dine at a restaurant daily and eat pancakes out of a bowl
4. I am a master at silently opening food wrappers
5. I make ‘comfy spots’ nightly, but I never get to enjoy them
6. I own a pair of sound dampening ear plugs and haven’t been to a concert in 4 years
7. I hide in the bathroom
8. I haven’t uttered the words ‘I’m bored’ in 10 years
9. I get jumped on anytime I crouch to grab something from a low cabinet
10. Going to work feels like a break

In the past year, I've learned how to make a peacock sound when it shows up in a book, and I can produce varying roars for tigers and lions, and different humming styles for bees, wasps, bumblebees and dragon flies. Because, of course, it's vital that they don't sound the same!

Trying to "sleep in" past 5am means waking up repeatedly with a foot in your mouth.

Hugging is a non-negotiable, essential part of my day.

Me telling my cat : Elfo you can't lay there
Elfo: looks at me as he lay down on the baby who is taking a nap.
The baby: waaaaaa
Me: wow real cool bro, now you put him to sleep.
Elfo: falls asleep 😴
😩

I can make a pot of coffee with one hand.

I'm not, I have money to spend on me