#1
His daughter replies, “I wouldn’t know; Jamie Oliver’s not my dad.”
Boom. Roasted.
#2
In high school math class. A nice, nerdy guy named Richard. A jerk whose name I forget, let's call him Jerk. Jerk keeps calling Richard "D**k." Like, "Hey, D**k, did you get the answer to #4?" Richard keeps calmly saying "It's Richard." Finally the teacher says "Richard, what do you prefer to be called?" Richard says "I prefer Richard." Jerk says "Well I prefer D**k."
After a few seconds of uproarious laughter from the rest of the class, Jerk realized what he said and sunk as far down in his seat as possible and never bugged Richard again.
We were teenagers in the 80s so this was the height of hilarity.
#3
Essentially, I walked into class one day, and the teacher wasn't there, but this other girl, S, was up at the whiteboard writing out a long-running joke about our teacher that pissed him off. It was about his assigned teacher number, and two years of developing a joke is a bit hard to explain. It became a bit of an inside joke. Either way, I sat down, she finished, and the teacher came in, noticing what was written on the board. He asked who did it, and immediately, this girl and a few of the girls around her said, "Sebaren did it!" Note, we were about 15 at the time, so they should have been beyond this.
I don't know what it was, but something made me wordlessly walk up to the board, fix her spelling and punctuation errors, and then sit down. Only when I had sat down did I turn to the girl who'd done it to say, "I have standards." The class collectively lost their minds, including the girls who hadn't seen it coming, and the teacher laughed so hard he went red in the face and cried. To me, it seems like they just found it so funny because it was me because I don't see anything particularly special or savage about it.
Why do we feel such a need to come up with a clever comeback after we're insulted? Perhaps it's because of how we, or rather, our bodies, react to insults. When a person says something mean to us, our bodies go into fight-or-flight mode. Essentially, we can't come up with a witty reply because our brains just go blank.
As Brooklyn-based therapist Kerry McBroome explains it, our bodies take verbal insults as threats. "When someone says something offensive or harmful that hurts us or hurts a member of a community that's really important to us, our nervous system can get activated," she explained to TIME magazine.
#4
Bully: Hey (My name) why are you so gay!!!?
Me: Because I like to copy you!
Bus: OoooOOoOHHhhhhhH
That was the best comeback i have ever made, and the kid behind me said “Ha nice” then like bro slapped my hand and I felt soo cool.
Later in 7th grade I figured out I was gay sooo, Checkmate bully...
#5
#6
The reality is that insults really hurt, and not just metaphorically. Apparently, insults can cause us actual physical pain, not just hurt our self-esteem. In 2022, researchers from the Netherlands concluded that hearing phrases like "You are a liar" has a similar effect to a slap in the face.
That's why having a ready comeback at all times makes us feel safer. "There's something really life-affirming about having something to say ready to go in your back pocket," McBroome added." Pulling off a sharp response can boost your confidence and be such a source of pride."
#7
My fiance and I held a 'meet the whole family' get together at my house.
It was the first time his father met my grandmother.
His dad was a large, physically intimidating man with a beer gut.
He began telling stories to my grandmother about how my fiance was a mischief maker when he was young.
Then told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip Joe for being bad.
My frail little grandmother stares directly at my hubby's dad's tummy and says, "Your belt? How ever could you find it?"
Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.
#8
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk."
Churchill: "Yes madam, and you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober."
and also
Lady Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.".
#9
Jimmy: *says the correct answer*
Karen: lol you‘re such a nerd
Teacher: Be nice to him Karen, he could be your boss someday
Jimmy: it‘s okay Teacher, i have no interest on being a pimp anyway
*whole class losing their minds*.
That familiar feeling of missing the beat when you need a witty comeback the most, even has its own name. L'esprit de l'escalier, or staircase wit, is used to describe the phenomenon of when a comeback comes to us too late. The term comes from the Parisian salons of the past, where gentlemen liked to debate each other. Alas, their best arguments would always come to them after the fact – as they were climbing the staircase.
As Maggie Rowe writes for Psychology Today, this does not make us flawed; it just makes us human. In fact, if you haven't got a selection of scorching-hot comebacks at the ready, you're probably going to blank again and again in situations where you get insulted.
#10
#11
Private Vasquez: No. Have you?
#12
The only advice I ever got from my parents about bullying and comebacks was to turn the other cheek. "The bully is always the one who is hurting more, at the end of the day," they would say. While it was very compassionate and admirable advice, perhaps it wasn't always that helpful. In fact, experts say that sometimes the best reaction to an insult is a calmly set boundary.
#13
“I don’t like looking at ugly people but nobody is making you wear a bag over your face”.
#14
"I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?".
#15
One day she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her. I'd finally had enough (she made these comments often) and I said, "Well what about you?"
"Excuse me?!" she snapped, "I have the body of a 22 year old!"
"Well give it back, you're stretching it out!".
When someone insults us, our monkey brains immediately go for revenge: we want to "get" and hurt the person like they just did to us. But Oxford-based psychiatrist Neel Burton, M.D., says that there's not much benefit from a comeback. "The witty put-down does have a place, but only among friends, and only to add to the merriment. And it ought to be followed by a token of reconciliation such as a toast or a pat on the shoulder."
#16
#17
"I'm sorry you are so sad."
Kid just walked away.
#18
So, what's the most effective way to react to an insult? According to Burton, it's rebuking the insulter. "When it comes to people with whom we have an ongoing personal or professional relationship, [...] it may be preferable to 'have a quiet word' (quiet, but firm) in a bid to reassert our boundaries." So, however fun and satisfying comebacks may be, sometimes it's best to just do the grown-up thing.
#19
He responded, "If I had a girlfriend that would do you, her cheating on me wouldn't be the issue."
#20
Aunt: Nice crocodile smile!
Me: Uh, thanks...
Aunt: It's just that tooth, you know, makes your smile all crooked but it's not that bad. You could get it fixed.
Me: I suppose but I know I'll never have teeth as nice as yours are. They are like stars.
Aunt: Like stars? You mean as in bright?
Me: No, as in they come out at night.
My uncle had given me a book called, 1001 Insults for Every Occasion, a while earlier and that gem was in it.