Doctors Are Sharing Their Stupidest And Funniest Patient Stories, And It’s Hilarious

A mother came in with her son to discuss treating his acne. Son was about 15 years old and didn't really care about the acne, but mom did. After going over treatment options, she asked if he just needed to 'do it' to get rid of the acne. A grown woman, with a child, thought that by him having sex, his acne would magically go away..

My mum once had to try explain to a doctor that regardless of tests she has celiacs because google said that if you have celiacs you get sick when eating bread, she just wouldn't accept that as you get older you can't eat half a loaf of bread in one sitting. I have never seen a doctor want to kill themselves more.

I had an 8 year old kid in the OR say "You mother fu*kers!" right before she fell asleep.

There was a nursing student I had once who laughed loudly and exclaimed 'How can you possibly get an STD in your mouth?' ahh the innocence of youth.

Medical student here.
Was clerking a patient who told me her lung cancer wasn’t due to the 60+ cigarettes she had been smoking since adolescence, rather it was due to a knock she received by stumbling into her car door.
Her logic was that the tumour was at the same corresponding spot in her lung to where she bumped her chest.
She was convinced we were wrong about the cause.

Not a doctor, but I WAS a corpsman in the Navy. I had a Marine come in because he swallowed a rock. "Why," I asked, puzzled, "would you swallow a rock?"
"I was hungry."

I am not a doctor, but I do work at a doctor's office.

So a person came in with conjunctivitis. They proceeded to ask questions on how it was transmitted. With the most serious look on their face, they asked if it was contagious and can be passed on by glare.

While this is hilarious, take a minute to think, WHAT IF ANYTHING WAS CONTAGIOUS BY GLARE. That would be so d--- frightening...

Not a doctor but work in pharmacy. An old guy who had got an inhaler prescribed by his GP because he was allergic to his new dog. He came back to the pharmacy and said he was still completely breathless around the dog despite using the inhaler four times a day. On further question it transpired that four times a day he was spraying the dogs coat with the ventolin inhaler.

My wife has works in a gyno and has told me of many patients trying to get pregnant who needed to be told what went where, specifically that the anus is not a baby-maker.

That the 30+ cups of coffee he was drinking every day could possibly be the cause of his chief complaints of anxiety and insomnia. He said he was not willing to give this up or try decaf.

Paramedic here. Was driving with my partner and patient in the back. Patient was fine. Patient's skeezy boyfriend was riding in the front with me and apparently saw a golden opportunity to ask a question that had obviously been on his mind for some time.
Him: So when cats and dogs eat grass, that means they have cancer, right?
Me: Ummm. No. No it does not.
Made for an awkwardly silent ride the rest of the way.

My husband’s new “unbreakable” titanium eyeglasses broke. When he brought the many pieces back to the optometrist to have the glasses replaced, the assistant asked what had happened.
“They fell under the lawn mower,” he explained.
“Oh,” she said, nodding. “Were you wearing them at the time?”

Me coming out of anesthesia: "Man, you're handsome." (To Asian doctor.) He paused a second, then thanked me.

I woke up from anesthesia and asked the nurse what mascara she was wearing.

Might be late to this, but a 17 year old girl who was pregnant and came into the emergency department to get checked as she was punched in the stomach. She wanted to go out for a smoke so I did the whole pregnancy and smoking spiel, she stopped me and told me I knew nothing as the baby would be harmed if she stopped smoking straight away.

I posted this a while back when a similar question was asked:
GP here. The most outrageous thing I've heard was from a boy who was something like 20-22 years old. Very poor, illiterate family. The boy had a bad case of tonsilitis and refused to take any meds because all he needed to do was "bite the sun". Basically at noon he had to look up to the sun, open his mouth as wide as possible and "bite" the sun several times so it would "burn" his tonsils and cure him over the course of a couple weeks. When that wouldn't work, plan B was to do the same at night but only under a full moon.

I had to explain to a grown man I still work with that tampons don't break down in a woman's urine after they were finished using them. He's been married 12 years. It was not his best day.

Had to explain to an adult you have to brush all the sides of a teeth. Like... no, just the side that shows when you smile is not enough. And yes flossing is not just a thing for rich people.

There was a guy who came to the ER because his iPhone app told him his sleep was poor quality.

Had a young woman with recurring UTIs that began after a recent partner and with no STDs; went through the standard questions trying to figure out what could be causing them and eventually found out she had been lubricating with jelly. Not KY jelly. The mixup had literally been a joke on House. It took me some effort to keep a straight face, but we eventually resolved the problem and she stopped getting UTIs.