Doctors Are Sharing Their Stupidest And Funniest Patient Stories, And It’s Hilarious

Not a doctor but I'm a nurse who worked in the OR at a trauma center. Was doing surgery on a 19 year old who tested positive for meth and cocaine who was grilling the anesthesiologist about every drug we were going to use in surgery because "he doesn't like putting chemicals in his body"
Gotta stick with that organic, fair trade, Non-GMO cocaine

I had a patient's mom ask me if putting a catheter in her 6 year old son would break his hymen and would he still be a virgin.

I work for an optometrist and it was the month before school started and a woman brought in her son to have his eyes checked for the first time. Seems like a pretty reasonable thing for any parent, even if he was a little older than usual for a first eye exam. Better late than never I guess. The mom was well spoken and appeared fairly intelligent. Everything went as normal, the doctor examined the boy and ended up prescribing glasses. When the doctor was explaining to the mom that her son had to wear his glasses all the time since he's nearsighted and basically can't see clearly past 5' in front of him. And will definitely need glasses for school. For some reason this caused a switch to flip in the mom and she spazzed out on the doctor, saying that her son doesn't need glasses and that the doctor is only saying that he does because he wants to sell glasses. She says that she only brought her son in because there was some form for school that needed to be filled out and that doctors are all a con artists trying to push unnecessary medications and interventions. The doctor tried to calm her down and explain that he's only trying to help them but that she was free to get a second opinion and gave her a copy of the kids prescription and sent them on their way. About four months later the lady is back asking for another copy of her son's prescription. Apparently the first semester midterm results were in, and her son failed them all, because he couldn't see the board in his classes and needs glasses!

Farted on my doctor's hand just as she finished a prostate exam. Because of the lube it was an especially wet and raspberry sounding one. She giggled and said she'd be rich if she had a pound for every time it happened.

70 yo female tripped and fell 2 days ago. She came it with hip pain but reports after the fall her nose was bleeding - she had landed on her nose. About a year prior her dentist had messes up an infraorbital nerve block and caused some swelling in that region but that all was resolved. This old lady is now convinced her nosebleed after falling on her face is related to an "infection" from the dental issue a year ago. After multiple back-and-forth on the etiology of the nosebleed, she became the first patient I raised my voice and put down an authoritative "no, you are wrong, just stop it".

Got placed doing a rotation in the orthopedic floor of a big hospital in a rural area of Southern California. I was doing my rounds and saw a patient out of bed and walking around the floor following a knee replacement. She had a cane in her hand that she was carrying like as a solider would carry a rifle. I asked what she was doing and what she thought the cane was for. She replied she thought the cane was for pushing people out of her way since she's now "handicapped" and it wasn't to help her walk on her post op knee.

I once saw a high school aged kid come in with a dinner candle stuck in his rectum. He reportedly was using it to reach an itch. Apparently the itch was in his spleen because that thing was deep. Mom told me the story, and how she had previously asked him to not itch himself with other things of hers. I didn't ask for any more details. I honestly think she believed that he was just really itchy.

A guy came in with a wheelchair.
"Do you have any medical issues?"
"No"
".... Umm, why are you in a wheelchair?"
"Oh, I have a degenerative neuromuscular condition. And type 2 diabetes."

Heard this story from a nurse friend.
Some guy was dancing in skin tight leather pants at the opening of a new nightclub in a nearby small city. It was hot inside with the huge crowd.
The guy fainted from the heat and was taken to the ER, where his pants were cut off.
This revealed that the guy had a length of pepperoni in his crotch, taped to his thigh.
The ER staff got the giggles and left his room to laugh in the hallway. At some point one of them said something like, "We've got to get back in there and deal with an unconscious patient." At this point they returned to professional duties.

Nurse here, I work in Anaesthetics and it drives me mad the amount of patients that want to have allergies, e.g, antibiotics give them the trots, er no that's a side effect. Anyway the anaesthetist comes into the anaesthetic room morning and asks me not to ask the patient about allergies, I'm puzzled at this and ask her why, the patient was allergic to oxygen. Yes, oxygen. She was a fun patient.

The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital room with a box in her hand. “Are you ready for this?”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Fleet enema. Didn’t your doctor tell you about it?”
“No.”
She rechecked the orders. “Whoa! It said feet elevated!”

Patient comes in with abdominal pain. "I think it's my gallbladder," they say. Looking over their chart, I see their gallbladder was removed 20 years ago so that is impossible. I mention this, to which they reply "yeah but it grew back."

It was 3am and I'd been on duty in the Emergency since 8am. I was exhausted. A well dressed man came in with his 8 year old, healthy looking, son. I asked him what was the problem. He said, "Well, I was at a wedding and it occurred to me that my son is a little short. Can you give him something right now to make him taller?"

During a yearly check-up the doc was concerned about my weight. I promised him I'd do better and next year I would be back down to a healthy weight.
Maybe a week or so later my doc saw me at a local pub with a plate of hot wings in front of me and a pint of beer. He was a bro and didn't say anything but I could see the look of disappointment in his eyes.

My favourite ever story from a colleague: a patient comes into A&E with abdominal pain.
As part of the work up he gets an abdominal X-ray which shows the problem as clear as day.
The colleague has then proceeded to remove, from the patients rectum, an 8 inch replica of Nelson's Column (the statue in the centre of Trafalgar Square, London)
On showing it to the patient, the response was "Oh that's Nelson, he lives up there."

"I have the Ebola". "Sir, you actually had a heart attack." "Because of the Ebola"

So, not a doctor but I work at a hospital. We had someone come into A&E because they needed their nails redoing... They genuinely thought it was a good idea to go to accident and emergency to have their fake nails taken off and redone because they had gotten too long and become uncomfortable.

Me: is there any chance you could be pregnant?
Patient: definitely not.
Me: are you sexually active?
Patient: yes.
Me: what is your preferred method of birth control?
Patient: nothing
Me: smh

Teenage male patient came in to the clinic with his girlfriend because he was growing breasts with milk production. Turns out his girlfriend was giving him her female hormonal birth control pills for “extra protection”

Not a doctor but a nurse. I once walked into my patient's room responding to his call light. He had an accident and peed on the floor on the way to the bathroom and was now laying in bed stark naked calling for me. His wife, I guess oblivious to all this, was just dancing in the pee. Like eyes closed, hands over her head, hips swaying. In a puddle of her husbands pee. They were really a bizarre couple.