Doctors Are Sharing Their Stupidest And Funniest Patient Stories, And It’s Hilarious

When a woman in an emergency room told me she wasn't going into labor because her app said she want ready yet. I could see the top of her daughters head... But what the fuck do I know keep asking apple for advice.

The doctor explained to his patient that she suffered from inflammation of the cervix. Concerned, she demanded that he test her husband for it too.
The doctor assured her, “I’m positive your husband does not have cervicitis.”
She shot back, “How do you know? You haven’t examined him yet.”

One day in the pharmacy, a girl comes to the counter requesting a refill for her birth control. We pulled up her profile and realized we couldn't refill it because she just got a 28-day fill less than 2 weeks ago. When we asked what happened to the other one, she said she was out. Apparently, both her and her boyfriend were each taking a pill each and was adamant that was how they needed to prevent pregnancy.

Had a female patient. Her mom asked me to adjust her scrotum. Trying not to burst out laughing, I said "Your daughter's scrotum?" She acted like I was stupid and pointed to the back of her neck.
I knew she wouldn't listen as she was so convinced so I stopped arguing with her. And I also wanted her to go around saying it to other people.

Pharmacist, but comment still relates.
Had a lady call in complaining that their husbands viagra wasn't working. I then went on to explain to the patients wife that in order for the medication to work, the patient needed some sort of "stimulation" The lady just screamed a loud "ME?!?!?!" and then hung up the phone.
Still my favorite viagra story.

I've had a patient claim that amputations run in his family.
He said that was the only reason he needed both legs taken off above the knee. He was adamant that it was not actually due to his uncontrolled diabetes, his enormous and continual sugar intake, his refusal to use insulin, or his refusal of treatment for the giant infected wounds on both feet.

Im ashamed to say I have a story that fits here. I have a ganglion cyst on the inside of my wrist, when it starts getting large I smash my wrist down on a hard table and it goes away. I developed a similar bump on the top of my foot. I couldn't smash it down like my wrist so I tried hitting it with a hammer. Didn't do anything and it was getting bigger and interfering with my shoes so I got it investigated. Not a cyst, but arthritis in the joint. No wonder my hammer trick didn't work. The radiologist did find my treatment method amusing, but advised me to get any more lumps checked out rather than randomly hitting things with a hammer.

A related story from my friend, a Gynecologic Oncologist.
Basically a woman had early uterine cancer, but refused surgery. She wanted to explore alternative treatments like coffee enemas (?) and meditation. She somehow managed to get an audience with the Dalai Lama who told her to go back to western treatment.

I was coming to just as my doctor was finishing my colonoscopy. Feeling some pressure “back there”, I reached down and patted the doctor on the head.
“It’s OK, Yehudi,” I said. “Just go back to sleep.”
Yehudi is the name of my dog.

I worked at the ER during my internship and met a girl who had increasingly painful and red eyes since a couple of days back. The last 24h had been horrible. I asked about all the normal stuff, and she claimed to have no idea why she had this eye problem - she had never had anything wrong with her eyes. I proceed to drop some dye in her eyes to check them in a microscope, and when I do I realize she's wearing contacts.
She didn't like her natural eye colour, so she had bought a set of blue coloured lenses 8 months earlier. Never removed them, not even during night time. Didn't even think to mention this to me, claimed to have no "foreign materials" in her eyes.
Needless to say, I gave her quite the harsh lecture and a referal to an ophtalmologist.

The stupidest thing I've been to the doctor for: I took my young son in because he had a very regular rash on his lower back. It wasn't until I was in the doctor's office that I noticed that it had exactly the same pattern as the inlet cover on our jacuzzi. Which he had just been bathing in.

Getting a physical around 11-13 and the doctor who was probably around 75 at the time asks me to strip down to my boxers for the whole awkward ball grab thing. Obviously at that age and dealing with all that shit you feel weird so when the doctor only said "cough" I mustered up a big one and was prepared to fire when he suddenly interrupts me with these words of wisdom "Son, when a man has your balls in his hand you don't cough in his face."

I went to the doctor to treat my soar throat and I agreed to get a shot of penicillin. If you don't know this shot goes right into the ass. As he put the needle into my rear end I suddenly had the need to vomit. I wasn't feeling anything until the exact moment of contact with my cheek. I yell STOP and immediately try to run over to the sink where I proceed to trip and fall. Then I just start letting it all out over the floor. I was just laying there on my side blowing chunks with the needle still stuck in my ass. It wasn't one of my finer experiences at the doctor.

Emergency surgeon here
Got called 2 a.m. because a patient demanded to see me because "her daughters farts smelled too bad"
Kept a straight face.

A friend of mine mistakenly called her gynecologist instead of her dentist to make an appointment, and started the call by admitting she was overdue for a cleaning...

There was one who was very upset to find out that she was pregnant again because she'd used her diaphragm EXACTLY as she'd been told.
She carefully inspected it for holes, applied the spermicide, placed it, wore it at night, then took it out, cleaned it and put it away each morning.
...And then her husband arrived home from his night-shift.

Doctor here. One we get commonly is "I know my body." Scoped a guy with knee pain - the joint looked perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us "no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body."
Told a lady she was pregnant. "No, I'm not. I just had a big lunch. I know my body."
Absolutely, when something doesn't feel right and your doctor doesn't want to listen, seek a second opinion. You know how your body normally feels. But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint, or has seen a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.

Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
Him: Well I met this witch online that...
Me: Wait, did you just said "witch"?
Him: Yeah, she sent me a bunch of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they worked, last time i checked I was cured.
Me: Where and what tests did you do to know you were cured?
Him: I made an online test that the witch told me to, they were a lot of random questions but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
Me: Ooook, we will need to do a blood test to confirm that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you consuming?
Him: I don't know the name, but I have them right here :points at his backpack:
Me: May I take a look?
Him: Sure!
I opened the bag and what I saw was nothing but grinded oregano with something that smelled like chlorine... The patient, sadly, died from a severe sepsis a month later with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a "witch" in a website told him to stop taking his meds...

I am a family practitioner and I had a family not want to vaccinate their newborn because they heard that vaccines were derived from monkeys brains and they didn't want their child to develop monkey like characteristics.

I had severe asthma as a kid. I was intubated for a severe attack a few times. My parents were instructed to take better precautions in our home and went through instructions, more dusting, washing bed sheets and the big one: NO SMOKING inside the house. So my parents agreed to all of this.

Few weeks later, I'm back in the hospital. A doctor recognized me and came over to talk. Then he bent over and smelled my head (I'll never forget that. I thought it was so weird). He told a nurse to sit there and not let me leave with my parents. When my parents showed up, he asked point blank, 'Did you not understand what I told you last time? Do you understand these attacks could be fatal?'

'But we open windows and have stopped smoking in her room when we put her to bed!