Nobody’s impervious to the charms of the Christmas spirit and merriments; even if your hero is Mr. Grinch, your icy cold heart is bound to thaw a little seeing a tastefully decorated Christmas tree, cracking up hot chestnuts, and of course, opening presents. But if that’s not enough to penetrate your leaden armor of cold civility, then maybe these funny Christmas quotes will do their job. Of course, our word alone could never be an assurance of an outcome, but what if we told you that these are celebrity quotes? Yes, celebrity Christmas quotes! Now, that takes it up a notch, doesn’t it?
Right, so we’ve gathered the words of famous people, cartoon characters, and book personalities sharing their funny thoughts on the holiday season. Not to be a spoilsport, but some of these quotes will knock you stiff, even if you think that your sense of humor is cultured beyond the aspects of highbrow society. We’re talking to you, dark comedy fans, forever certain that Christmas could never be the topic of a joke worthy of a scribble in your pocketbook. Did we pique a sleepy curiosity, drawing your attention to the cocky words claiming that you’re about to giggle mindlessly? Hopefully, a task achieved, and the golden star is ours.
Anyhoo, we think it is time for you to check out the Christmas quotes that we’ve corralled onto our list. At this point, you know exactly what to do - don’t scroll down below to check out the hilarious quotes for yourself, don’t vote for the ones that you liked the most, and by God, do not recommend this article to any of your merry friends. Day of the opposites, gotcha!
#21
"There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list." — Milton Berle
unknown
Report25points
#22
"Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." — Dave Barry
unknown
Report24points
#23
"I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it." — Demetri Martin
unknown
Report24points
#24
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping." — Steven Wright
unknown
Report24points
#25
"My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness." — Dave Barry
unknown
Report24points
#26
"Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear." — Unknown
unknown
Report24points
#27
"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." — Johnny Carson
unknown
Report23points
#28
"You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger." — Robert Paul
unknown
Report22points
#29
"It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales." — Milton Berle
unknown
Report22points
#30
"Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas." — Kin Hubbard
unknown
Report22points
#31
"A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day." — Melanie White
unknown
Report22points
#32
"I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’" — Unknown
unknown
Report22points
#33
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying ‘toys not included.'" — Bernard Manning
unknown
Report21points
#34
"I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." — Winston Spear
unknown
Report20points
#35
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’" ― Dave Barry
unknown
Report20points
#36
"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? " ― Bill Watterson
unknown
Report20points
#37
"I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking." — Earthman Adam
unknown
Report20points
#38
"I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree." — Charlotte Christmas
unknown
Report20points
#39
"I’m only a morning person on December 25th." — Unknown
unknown
Report19points
#40
"One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books."—J.K. Rowling
unknown
Report19points