#21
No contact is not, it turns out, a single binary decision. According to Simply Psychology, it exists on a spectrum with several distinct positions. Full no contact means exactly what it says: no calls, no visits, no messages, nothing. It is usually reached after repeated attempts to set boundaries have failed. Low contact maintains only minimal surface-level interaction like a phone call on a birthday, small talk at a family event, nothing more.
The 'grey rock' method is for situations where contact is unavoidable. The goal is to become as emotionally unresponsive and unremarkable as possible, depriving a difficult parent of the drama or reaction they're seeking. And a timeout is a temporary break, taken with the intention of creating space to heal before deciding whether reconciliation is possible.
#22
At 65, I FINALLY listened.
#23
been a decade ever since, my life only got better each year. (no kids or plans/desire to have any ever so can't comment on that part.).
#24
The next day, she stalked my brother at work to try get him on her side. She refused to leave his office and she sent him into a full blown panic attack.
Next, she decided to make a big cover-up. She deleted all the messages (but I had copies of them), and tried to gaslight me into thinking I had "misunderstood an innocent friendship". I insisted she tell me the truth, and she just lied more. My brother showed her the evidence, and she backtracked saying she hadn't lied, she had only told "partial truths".
I wrote her a long letter telling her that I have a real problem with how she treats people. I told her that she lacks integrity, and that kind people don't do the things she has done. I asked her "What do you value? How do you convince yourself that the hurtful things you say and do don't really matter?"
The only response I ever got was her telling me how disappointed she was in me and that I had "put a knife in her heart".
Scientific American offers a different perspective. Cutting off a parent is sometimes an act of genuine courage and necessary self-protection. It is also, sometimes, a way of avoiding the vulnerability required to express hurt, misunderstanding, or the need for change. The two are not always easy to distinguish from the inside.
Conversations, the publication notes, tend to end the way they begin. Starting with accusations and clinical labels creates defensiveness and shuts down the possibility of repair. Starting with what you value in the relationship, and then carefully describing the specific behaviours that cause pain, creates at least the conditions for something different. Listening to a parent's perspective, even one you ultimately disagree with, doesn't make you weak. Accepting that you won't agree on everything is not the same as accepting behaviour that harms you.
#25
#26
I used to defend her against my father since he was an obvious monster. But she had so many chances to protect us from him and chose to bully us emotionally instead.
#27
I got tired of her calling me feminine slurs, and accusing me of having s*x with my own father because *she wasn't, so I MUST be* (I wasn't, for the record) I told her to SHUT UP, I wasn't having s*x with dad, and walked away.
She came into my room that night when I was laying on my stomach on my bed, and she grabbed my long hair and started ripping my head back and forth saying "STOP DEFENDING YOUR BOYFRIEND!"
I broke free and reached next to my bed for my baseball bat that I kept for this exact reason, and I swung it behind me as hard as I could. She had jumped out of the way *just* in time and backed up.
I screamed at her, enraged, that if she ever touched me again, I'd hurt her. She let out a little giggle and said "No, you won't."
She never did, tho. We never spoke again, either.
Research suggests more than 80% of adult children eventually reconcile with their mothers and 69% with their fathers. Thriveworks offers practical guidance if you have reached that point. Take time to reflect before reaching out and resist the urge to fix things immediately. Write down what you want to say and then set it aside for two weeks, because when you return to it, you will almost always find things you want to rephrase.
If you want to reconnect, say so directly and without ambiguity. Don't hint, don't send vague check-ins, don't wait for the other person to make the first move. Avoid diagnosing or labelling, because "you're a narcissist" is a door-closing statement, not a door-opening one. Use "I" statements to describe your experience rather than their behaviour.
Meet somewhere neutral, somewhere without emotional history attached to the walls. And set clear boundaries from the beginning, because a reconciliation without them tends to reproduce the original problem rather than solve it. Healing is possible. It just requires both people to want it, and to show up for it consistently over time.
#28
#29
The last straw was when she refused to refused to take me to the mechanic's shop when my car caught on fire. She said she was too sick. But she wasn't too sick to be on the internet all day, chatting with the men she was cheating on her husband with. We had a heated argument over the phone, I told her to (expletive) herself, and we haven't spoken to one another since that day -- 18 years ago.
I've always parented my children far different from the way I was raised and not speaking to my so-called mother had nothing to do with that. My so-called mother treated me like garbage throughout my entire life. I chose to be an actual parent to my children. They are not an inconvenience or nuisances to me and I would never treat them as such.
#30
The people in this thread did not make easy decisions. Nobody goes no contact with a parent lightly, regardless of what the cultural conversation around toxic relationships might suggest. Behind every story in this thread is a longer story, years of trying, of hoping, of adjusting expectations downward until there was nothing left to adjust.
What the research, the therapy, and the thread itself all point to is the same thing. Estrangement is sometimes necessary and sometimes premature and often somewhere in the complicated middle. The goal, wherever possible, is not permanent silence but a relationship that doesn't cost more than it gives. Some parents can get there. Some can't.
Have you ever had to make this terribly difficult decision? Share your story with us in the comments!
#31
Him: "You're just like your mom, you don't care about anyone but yourself!"
Haven't spoken to the man in 12 years. He's still alive and is allegedly sober now, but that bridge has been demolished.
#32
It was the cherry on the cake after 30+ years of him not stepping up to be the parent I needed, despite being aware and admitting such to my Grandparents in the years after my birth...
And him just generally being royally s**t as a parent. There are ways to handle situations that require clear communication, and sending s****y alcohol-laced emails late at night is not one of them.
I sometimes wonder if I should email him and have the final word on the situation and make it abundantly clear, but then I think, why bother?
Sometimes, my only hope is that there isn't an afterlife because I wouldn't want my Grandparents to be aware of any of this.
#33
My mother is a monster. I will never be like her.
#34
My parents separated and I did my best to avoid my mom, unless forced to interact at holidays. I responded to her only enough to keep her from losing her s**t more. Then she got pregnant and I felt like I needed to be around because both she and her husband were dysfunctional and I didn't want the kid to suffer. Things were somewhat manageable, although still draining, for the next 10 years.
Then I had a kid. She was so invasive, irritating, and entitled. She brought my 9 year old brother to the hospital after I told her not to and didn't leave for 9 hours. She cried that I asked her to take him out of the room while I worked with the lactation consultant. She accused us of hating him for making him wash his hands before holding the baby. She got pissed that we didn't let my very immature brother walk around with the baby. Then she came to my house (with the 9 year old) after we were discharged, which we explicitly told her not to do, and wouldn't f*****g leave. A week later she told me I was just hormonal and that's not really what happened. I spent the first week of my kids life crying because of the terrible messages she sent me. She hasn't seen us since, has never met the second kid, and doesn't have my current address. I don't talk to her parents either because they think I could fix this by being a better daughter.
#35
She told me that, and she had no lightbulb moment of 'Whoops, the trauma you underwent that day was totally my fault because I didn't try to protect you.' Because she didn't care; she achieved her aim of using me as an a***e shield to make her own life easier.
#36
#37
No more.