100 Funny Fat Jokes That Are Actually The Best - Readers' Vote

My doctor said I need to watch my weight. So I bought a scale with a screen. Now I watch it every day deliver bad news.

People say I have a big heart. They also say I have a big everything else, but I'm focusing on the heart part.

I'm not lazy. My body is just on an extended energy-saving mode.

I finally found a diet that works: worrying. I've lost three pounds this week just from anxiety alone.

My relationship with the fridge is complicated. I open it, stare for two minutes, close it, open it again - hoping something new appeared.

I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I'm not someone who does that.

Nothing motivates me to eat healthy faster than buying new clothes that don't fit yet.

I have a great body. I just keep it somewhere safe, under several layers of protection.

People who say they "forget to eat" are the most alien creatures to me.

I set a reminder to go to the gym. My phone said, "Reminder dismissed." That's basically the same as going.

My pants fit perfectly in the store. By the time I get home, they've somehow shrunk in the car.

I don't stress eat. I celebrate eat, comfort eat, bored eat, and bored-while-stressed eat. Different categories.

My fitness tracker said I burned 300 calories. Then I looked at what I ate and realized I need a second fitness tracker just to keep up.

A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you."
The man whispers back, "I knew it."
Then he ate the bookmark. It was a bad week.

A husband tells his wife: "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
Wife says: "Sorry, I don't follow you."
Husband says: "Nobody does.
That's the problem. Now pass the chips."

A man attends a weight-loss seminar. The speaker says, "The enemy is inside you." The man nods slowly. He had eaten a very large lunch.

A woman asks her husband, "Does this dress make me look fat?" He says, "Does this answer make me look stupid?"

A man walked into a bar. He ordered a beer, some nachos, two plates of wings, and a diet soda. "The diet soda is for the weight," he explained to the bartender. The bartender nodded. He'd seen worse logic.

My personal trainer asked me what my goal weight was. I said, "I want to be light enough that the scale says 'one at a time, please.'" He said that wasn't how scales worked. I said, "Have you met my scale?"

A doctor tells a patient, "You need to lose 40 pounds." The patient says, "Can I get a second opinion?" The doctor says, "Sure - you also need a haircut."