50 Things Clients Did That Were So Dumb, Lawyers Couldn’t Fix Them

My law teacher would tell stories about a juvenile court he used to work in in one of the more questionable areas of California. Apparently they had a real problem with defendants coming in with sagging pants and court officials showing up in beach clothes. The judge finally got so fed up with it that he kept a box of rope (for an impromptu belt) and a box of neckties behind his desk, and he'd begin court proceedings by lobbing ample amounts of both over his stand at anyone he felt was in need of them.

My client tried to pay a fine with counterfeit money.

During a divorce, the ex-husband claimed that he didn't make much or any money and wasn't able to pay the child support we were asking him to pay. A few hours after receiving this information he posts a picture on his public Facebook of a wad of cash talking about how 'Ballin' he was. Needless to say his claim didn't hold up after that.

I used to represent patients who were involuntarily committed because of a mental illness. So I wouldn't describe them as dumb, but still...

Clerk: "Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

Client: "No"

This happened a dozen different times.

A friend if mine is seeking child support from her ex husband. He keeps claiming to have no money. Every week he spends money on Microsoft points. How does she know? When they set up his xbox live account, they used her email. She gets every single confirmation of pay email. Every week.

I'm excited for the next court date, to say the least.

Gonna get buried, So a little while ago I was doing a traffic hearing for another lawyer at my firms client (I don't do a whole lot of traffic hearings, but when it comes up I'll do them). So we get there and the cop doesn't show up. He was charged with careless driving (rear-ending another car) and was adamant that he didn't do it (3 car accident he said the car that hit him pushed him into the car in front of him). I'm like "score easy win". I look at him and say "you don't say anything got it?", he agrees

So we do the hearing, the witnesses testify, but because there is no cop nobody can put my client at the scene or behind the wheel. So the judge goes "Well in light of all the evidence I'm going to have to find Mr. (name)..." and then my client goes "Your honor I have some pictures I took at the scene"... I just give him a stare. The judge says "Sir, do you pay your attorney for a reason?" He says "yes", "Did your attorney tell you to talk", he says "no", "well until you opened your mouth nobody could put you at the scene and I was going to dismiss the ticket, but now you did that yourself"

Dude literally talked himself into a ticket.

"The judge ordered you not to touch anything in the storage unit where your husband's stuff is. So don't even go there."

*Breaks into the storage unit and pours bleach over everything*.

I'm not comfortable that it's appropriate to tell stories about my own clients.

So:

I prosecuted a bank robber. I think he pled guilty mostly to avoid having my show bank surveillance cam photos to the jury. See, he robbed a bank while wearing sagged pants. When the tried to leap over the half-door that separated the teller area from the customer area the pants came off and tripped him and he fell on his face. The cameras captured, in exquisite detail, the change in his facial expression from bravado to concern to terror as his pants came off.

I'm not a lawyer, but the optometrist that I went to had an officer manager that was marking on people's accounts that they got refund checks and crediting the balance, then cashing them herself. She took $50, 000 in a year and got caught. When asked why she did it, she said "no one told me I couldn't.".

I worked for the Public Defenders office and met a client in jail for a line-up that he had adamantly demanded regarding a crime with multiple witnesses. I met the client for the first time in a separate room to let him know how it would go down and what to expect. This is the kind of line-up you traditionally see on television where there are a number of similar looking people standing shoulder to shoulder in front of mirrored glass. They pull the people for the line-up from the jail population and despite their best efforts this is not a huge population. I walk in to meet the client and he has a stye on his left lower eyelid the size of a golf ball. It was the most identifiable mark on a human's face i have ever seen. He still demanded the line-up and was identified instantly by every single witness without a shred of doubt in their mind. He still demanded a trial and the stye was gone by the time the trial commenced.
Tl;dr: Guy with golf ball sized lump on face demands comparative line-up.

A client in a PI case claiming damage to their lower back posted pictures of themselves to their Facebook page riding Jetskis and horses. The defense subpoena'ed the client's Facebook page.

Ram the arresting officers car after misdemeanor court. Turned a fine and court costs into a 15 year sentence.

Wasn't my client but I saw this happen:

Defendant moves to remove his public defender, apparently listening to advice from a cellmate.

Def: "Your Honor, I would like to represent myself."

Judge: "Very well, will you be changing your plea?"

Def: "Yes, I would like to plead not guilty by reason of insanity."

Judge: "Do you have a mental disorder?"

Def: "No."

After a brief chat with his former attorney, defendant reinstated the public defender as his counsel. My guess is defendant listened to counsel when he said that pleading not guilty by reason of insanity means admitting you did indeed perform the acts of which you were accused.

Accidentally admitted to the crime in his *direct* examination. *Facepalm*.

"I got your domestic violence charges dismissed" - goes home after hearing and beats up wife.

NYC criminal defense attorney here. All inmate phone calls at the city jail (Rikers Island) are recorded. I remind my clients on a regular basis that somebody is listening to all their calls, and that they should never discuss the case or call anyone related to the case from jail. I had a client who was charged with stalking and harassing an ex girlfriend. The thing about these charges was that this was the first and last time I had seen a legitimate case of double jeopardy (defendant being charged with the same crime twice). The defendant had already pled guilty and done a small amount of jail time for the same incidents. I walked into court on our first appearance supremely confident that my client would be walking out of court a free man.

To my surprise there was a second indictment charging new crimes. My genius client had called his ex-girlfriend and the DA had recordings of him threatening to beat her if she came to court to testify against him. We took a plea right there and he served 3 years for witness tampering and contempt.

If my client had only listened to my advice and let me do my job he would have gone home three years earlier than he did.

Cashed in their retirement while in bankruptcy. When it is cash, it is not protected.

So I'm a law student, but I work at a volunteer desk that helps people complete the forms for court. The awful part is I can't give any legal advice since I'm not a lawyer, which means I can't tell these people they don't have a case. However, the stories are great.

There the lady who sues celebrities. She asked me to help her sue Robert De Niro. Someone else helped her with a suit for Mathew McConaughey. She was doing it on behalf of her kids and their fathers for "in excess of $100 million dollars." she didn't even know how to spell their names.

Then, there's the guy who is suing DirectTV, CNN, Fox, and who knows who else. Apparently, he's the one you have to thnk for putting color on your TV shows and adding animation. He was suing because they hadn't paid him... ever.

Finally, there's the lady who is suing her former employer for giving her too much money on her last paycheck. She told me they did it because they liked her and wanted her to come back. There was maybe 60 extra dollars on the check. She was suing for $10,000.

My ex-wife's lawyers (yes, plural) would be perfect for answering this thread. She hasn't followed a court order yet.

In fact I'm on my way to court now because she still isn't following the court's orders.

Edit: I can't put any details until the hearing is done. I will update in a few hours.

Edit #2: here's one i can say: lying to her attorneys. They certainly did not enjoy being embarrassed in court when I showed proof of what she had done after she swore up and down it wasn't true.

Edit #3: Speaking of edit #2, her attorney just found out about the website where she bashes all the judges who have heard our cases in the past. Needless to say, her attorney had no idea about it. And is upset about it.

Edit #4: Here is a summary as promised. In the past 4+ years she has opened numerous CPS investigations, has filed police reports accusing me of various offenses (falsely), has had me detained with my son because of these false reports, has tried to kick in my front and back doors of the house, has followed me home randomly, has accused several people in my life of mistreatement towards our child, has started a website whose sole purpose was to bash me and every judge who we have ever seen. On top of this, she has blatantly ignored several court orders including failure to pay child support as owed. She has repeatedly lied to her attorneys (or maybe to herself too who knows) and told them she is a victim and I am the devil, etc. she has consistently neglected to mention a lot of the stuff she has done or has admitted to doing, so her attorneys are constantly being ambushed by the truth. Finally, she has a history of not paying these attorneys so they aren't exactly thrilled to be representing her and quit the first chance they get. She is up to about 10 attorneys now.

On the flip side I have spent/borrowed over $100,000 now to keep my same attorney. I probably will never be able to afford a college education for my child or maybe even able to afford having any future children because I am not sure I will ever be able to pay these attorney's fees off. Especially considering it is still going on and I am racking up fees faster than I can pay them.

My dad once had a guy get caught for vandalizing and he was caught on tape. This guy wore the same exact clothes into court that he wore on the video....