“If Any Of You Are Thinking About Doing It, Don’t”: Cheaters Open Up About Life After Infidelity

When it comes to infidelity, there are as many stories as there are couples themselves: some people leave, others fight, some turn to counseling, while others move on as if nothing happened. This list clearly shows that there’s no one way such stories go.

But this time, we wanted to delve deeper into what it takes to save the relationship after infidelity occurs. We turned to board-certified clinical psychologist and author of Letting Go of Your Ex, Dr. Cortney S. Warren, who noted that while infidelity is one of the most common reasons that couples break up, whether or not the partners want to work through the affair and stay together really depends on the situation.

“Although it can feel bleak and insurmountable in the moment to stay together after an affair, it also offers a couple the opportunity to evaluate and change the way they relate to and see one another,” the expert noted. “Each partner is confronted with a choice: do you want to work to transform through this period to see whether you can build a new relationship together, or do you want to end it here?”

The expert pointed out that certain important factors can affect a couple’s ability to recover after an affair, the first one being willingness to work together.

“The negative effects of infidelity on mental health are well documented. For example, most people feel betrayed, angry, anxious, depressed, and ashamed after learning that their partner is cheating. It’s also common for the cheater to feel guilty, depressed, and remorseful and have difficulty expressing what wasn’t working for them about their marriage because the affair itself is such a monumental event that can dominate discourse. If they want to stay together, each person must be willing to work through their own pain and experiences while striving to listen to, understand, and support the other through theirs, all with an eye towards what is in the best interest of their relationship moving forward,” Dr. Warren told Bored Panda.

Another factor is atonement for being unfaithful. According to the expert, full and total responsibility for choosing to engage in an affair and sincere remorse for violating the marital boundaries are often essential to healing. “The cheater must be willing to see their cheating behavior, own it, and apologize for it. This generally includes cutting off contact with the extramarital lover.”

One more thing that can help couples heal the relationship after infidelity is dedication to change what wasn’t working. “Although the person having the affair is always responsible for their behavior, for a couple to stay together requires that each person is willing to examine their contribution to the relationship not working,” Dr. Warren said.

“For example, one or both partners may have avoided having a sexual relationship with their spouse, struggled to communicate their needs and desires openly, or felt bored or suffocated in their current relationship and wanted more excitement. The factors that contributed to marital discord and the affair itself must be unpacked and shifted to decrease the likelihood of it happening again.”

Equally important to the aforementioned factors is the intention to forgive. Dr. Warren notes that while overcoming an affair is painful to the person who was cheated on, research suggests that forgiveness is a key component of moving on.

“Often a person who is cheated on feels intense rage and anger over the affair, sometimes leading them to punish and resent their spouse. To rebuild trust and connection, forgiveness of the past while setting new boundaries for the future is key.”

Lastly, the couple should put effort into reconnecting and reattaching. “Building positive, loving intimacy is key to moving forward. It may take time to want to be sexual and emotionally vulnerable again, but the goal is to come together again in a fulfilling way,” Dr. Warren said, adding that if both partners aren’t willing to work together to move forward, it’s unlikely that the relationship will survive in a healthy way.